If You're Sexy and You Know it

A great figure or physique is nice, but it's self-confidence that makes someone really sexy.

Vivica Fox

 So I have a confession to make.  In my 34 years on this earth, I have never—I mean ever, felt beautiful.  And it doesn’t stop there.  I have never felt even remotely sexy either.  Kind of tragic, isn’t it?  Sure I’ve looked at myself and thought:   “I look cute today.", but I have never really felt beautiful or sexy.  Now the beautiful (no pun intended) thing is that this obvious, yet tragic malfunction of my brain does not really affect my mind.  I feel like beauty radiates from within and I do believe I have a beautiful soul.  But the sexy part?  Yeah I have to admit that bothers me.  See, I have always wanted to be one of those vixen-esque type of women.  You know the ones.  The women who are just so sexy that it literally oozes from their entire being.  They don’t have to utter a word.  They simply enter a room, stand, or wake up for that matter, and everyone within a 20-mile radius is in awe of how sexy they are.  Women like this:

 She just seems like some kind of siren capable of making any man succumb to her feminine wiles

Or this:

Not only was Kellita one of the sexiest TV moms ever, she's actually like that in real life. 

And this: 

 Like seriously?  Look at this woman.  She just looks like she wakes up like this!

And let's not forget this one:

 She may not be bad, but she was sure drawn that way!

And finally this:

Can you really get any more sexy than Sophia Vergara?

And don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that all of these women have the help of excellent make up artists, hair stylists, clothing designers, and for the sake of these pictures, even some great graphic artists and photographers to photo shop them to sexy perfection, but that’s not my point.  My desire is not so much to look like them, but to possess that innate sex-ay quality that they seemingly do.  And in the words of the great crooner himself, Luther (Big Luther as Cedric the Entertainer would say) if only for one night, I’d like to know what it feels like to be sexy.  And who knows, maybe none of the aforementioned women feel sexy themselves.  Maybe they have insecurities just like the rest of us.  But then again, maybe they don’t.  But again, that’s not my point.  My point is that I need to channel my inner vixen.  It has always been one of my fears that I would focus too much on my insecurities, get old, then look back and realize how beautiful I am.   It has actually happened to a small degree already.  My self-esteem during my teenage years and early 20s was at an all time low.  And when I look at those pictures today I wonder what the heck was wrong with me!  I was a hot chick and didn’t even know it.  And that, in my humble opinion, is a damn shame. 

I’d really like my poor self-image concept to end and very soon while it's at it.  So I’m taking steps to get over myself and learn how to be sexy.  And one of my best teachers is none other than my 5-year-old daughter.  Now before you go charging to comment and call me all kinds of the ever so unfit parent, let me ‘splain myself here.  I’m not telling her she’s sexy or forcing her into any kind of inappropriate-ness (yes I just made that up).  I’m not in the running to be a Toddlers & Tiaras mama.  Not at all.  When I say this, I mean that my daughter seems to possess the required level of confidence required to be deemed sexy.  And just so we’re clear, I’m not one of those people who believe that sexiness has anything to do with sex.  While of course I know the word sex is contained in the word, I don’t believe sex is what it boils down to.  I think sexiness is a state of being.  It’s in the way a person walks, stands, talks, looks, hell sometimes just breathes.  At the tender age of 5, my daughter is well aware of her feminine wiles and how to use them—especially against the opposite sex.  My daughter is confident in herself and honestly, isn’t that a huge part of what sexiness is?  You should see her when she’s confronted with a member of the opposite sex.  She tilts her head just so, stands a little more on one leg, raises the pitch of her voice just so, and plays extremely coy just so she can get what she wants.  And I maintain that she just came here that way cause she for sure didn’t learn that from her mama!  Her mama is completely clueless and just too damn direct to even know how to attempt to do that.  But I’ll be John Brown if it doesn’t work for her.  Now I’m well aware that it works because she’s so stinking cute (and yes I say so myself!) and she’s a kid.  But the premise behind what she does works for us grown little girls as well.  I’ve seen other women employ the same techniques almost effortlessly.  And it befuddles me as to how they do it.  But she’s so aware of when to turn it on and off.  She will never attempt to talk to a woman in the same manner that she does with a man.  But she does let them know that she believes she's the stuff.  If someone compliments her by telling her she's cute, she responds with "Why yes I am".  Meanwhile, when I receive a compliment, I'm trying to remember to say thank you because I'm in shock that they're talking about me.  And while I encourage her to maintain her self worth and positive self image, I'm writing down notes so I can study later and be just like her when I grow up.  But I still maintain that my child has been here before and it’s just par for her course.  

I realize that this may come across as extremely superficial to some.  And it’s not that I’m speaking in a superficial sense.  I just think that since I’m here on this earth, living this life I’ve got, I may as well enjoy myself.  I would like to take advantage of the full experience.  I don’t want to use my powers for evil, just want to know what it would feel like so I can say it’s been done.  I guess the main hindrance to my sexy effervescence is my lack of confidence.  I’ve got to believe I’m sexy if I expect to be seen as sexy.  And maybe I don’t even need to do that.  Maybe there are people out there who see me and think I am sexy.  And by all means, if you’re one of those individuals out there, let me know what you exactly it is that you see.  Hopefully I can start seeing it for myself.  I’m all about learning. 

Anywhoo, what say you?  Do you feel or know you’re sexy?  What exactly is sexy to you? Who do you think is sexy?  And if you don’t feel sexy, why the heck not and what are you prepared to do about it?

Women, Beautiful Women

“A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

I had a most wonderful weekend in Norfolk, VA.  On March 31^st, I gave a keynote for a Women’sWellness Conference held by a wonderful company, ARDX.  I was actually asked to participate last August after speaking at the Today’s Black Women Expo sponsored by State Farm.  A group of women happened to be in attendance, and among those women were one of the coordinators for the event.  She was visiting a friend in Chicago and they were actually on their way out when someone yelled that Bernie Mac’s family was in the room, so they ventured on in.  Boy am I glad that they did.  Not only did she provide me with a wonderful opportunity to speak and network, but over the course of the 7 months that we’ve been in contact, she’s also become a surprising friend.

Women are such beautiful, extraordinary, and dare I say, strange creatures.  Nations rise and fall because of women.  Kings have reined wars of terror because of women.  Women have nurtured societies, and when a woman is in need, no other can comfort her like her sister friend--a woman.  But for some reason, while we women are so good to everyone else--building our men and children, feeding and clothing our children, helping our girls, being everything that everyone else needs us to be--we fail to be good to our own selves.  And with all this that we do, we still have the nerve to doubt ourselves, and feel as if we are not enough.  We manage to make ourselves feel and believe that we are not good enough, not doing enough, and that we may never be enough.  Oh you think I’mwrong?  You don’t wanna admit your defeat?  Fine, I’ll just talk about myself.   . .

So OK . . . I’ll just be honest and admit it.  I still feel like an insecure adolescent.  I may be 34 years old with both a B.S.and an M.A.  I may have been married (and now divorced).  NowI’m even a proud mommy, but deep down, I still feel like that shy, fearful 12year-old girl trying to be popular and figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up.  I still have a habit of walking into a room and comparing myself with all the other women there.  I still think about my future and what I’m going to do with and in it.  I still have moments of extreme self-doubt and wonder if I’m truly capable of doing all the things that others tell me I can do.  And dare I say this, but I still wonder if I will ever find a good man to love me for me—not for who he wants me to be,but for who I actually am. There.  I’ve said it.  Whew! That was a mouthful!  I figure why not just be honest instead of trying to pretend that I’ve got it all together.  Because to be quite honest, each year I live, it is revealed to me just how much I don’t have together. 

The event was so fitting because it took place on the last day of Women’s History Month, AND because the theme for was Fun, Fit, & Fabulous.  I actually feel like I am in a place where I can talk about being those things without being a fraud.  I feel like I am coming into myself.  For the first time in my life, I think I’m starting to get a handle on myself.  At first I was disappointed that it’s taken me so long to get to this point.  But now I’mrealizing it’s better late than never, and everything in my life is something that happened FOR me to prepare me for this moment.  And I don’t care what anybody says cause I’m still young.  Now I’m not going to say that crazy Jay-Z nonsense about 30 is the new 20 (or some junk like it) becauselet’s just be real.  30 is not the new 20.  30 is what it was and what it will always be . . . 30.  And you know what?  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I believe that we are all so much more alike than we are different.  And once we realize that, we can stop looking to define ourselves based on the comparisons we make between one another.  Once we accept ourselves for the beautiful women we are, we can begin to invite other beautiful people into our lives who will accept and appreciate our beauty.  That’s why it’s so important that we share our stories with one another.  So many women shared with me how my story touched their lives, but that wasn’t where it ended.  I was touched by their stories as well.  I met so many wonderful and beautiful women during this event. I met an impeccably talented young 10^th grader who has already written and published her very first book.  I met a brave woman, who after turning 30, decided she wanted to fulfill her dream of becoming a mother (and not wait on a man because she was and still is happily single), and went through IV fertilization all by herself and is now the proud momma of a handsome little man.  I met a woman who admitted that she had been a terrible mother who did horrible things to her children.  She feared she would never be forgiven by her daughter, but had just recently spoken to her, and did in fact receive the forgiveness she so desperately wanted. Now she’s committed to walking a different life path and helping others. I met a special woman who has endured an amazingly troubled life marked with all kinds of abuse, yet she still managed to have a genuine and joy-filled smile on her face as she served the women in attendance.  Do you see what I’m talking about?!  Women are beautiful! You are beautiful! Stop feeling ashamed for what you did/didn’t do,what you don’t have, what you think you could have done better, and most of all what you look like! Your beauty does not lie in the size of your clothes or the length/texture of your hair.  Your beauty lies within you and your story. Women are better than Timex watches, we take lickings, beatings, bruisings, crashings (and sometimes by our own hands), yet we keep on a-tickingand a-tocking, and a-rocking, and . . . well now it’s just getting good to me : ) So I’lljust end now.  You are beautiful.Now isn’t it about time that you know it?! Go look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are. And when you’re done with that, make sure you tell another beautiful woman just how beautiful she is.  Let’s start a trend that goes on to become commonplace, and not just some trend.