Life is nothing put a perpetual state of constant
change. That was a hard concept
for me to grasp. I was one of
those who felt my sole purpose was to be comfortable so that I could attain a
blissful state of peace and joy.
It has only been the last 5 years that have helped me to see that the
real peace is obtained in the midst of the chaos. Furthermore, if I’m truly living the adventurous life sure
to yield all kinds of benefits, there will be chaos—and lots of it. I’m getting to the space where I’m ok
with that.
There’s something about this time of year—that shift into
autumn—that prompts me to become even more introspective than I already
am. I become really attuned into
my spirit and what my soul really needs and is yearning for. I must really be on to something
because it’s not quite autumn and this is already happening to me. I’ve recently begun reading A Course in
Miracles, and already it has been a fascinating dive into the depths of my
spirit and life. It is bringing up
some pretty heavy stuff for me. The
really awesome thing about where I am in my life journey now is that I am in a
space where I can appreciate the heaviness without freaking out (well not
entirely). I can take the
necessary steps to get still and figure out what I need to do. So far, I’ve realized that I really
need to walk in my own power, and that I need to release some unhealthy
things: my inability to nurture
myself, my doubt and fear, and the emotional vampires I have allowed to suck my
energy and love.
Somewhere along this path, I learned; or decided that I was
not worthy. I learned that I
didn’t have any right whatsoever to demand what I want, to say “No”, to remove
myself from toxic situations or people, or even have the audacity to believe I
was worth more than what was given me.
This kind of faulty thinking has led me to learn to believe that people
are not trustworthy—especially my own self, and that I am to avoid being
vulnerable at all costs. I am
generally ok with appearing vulnerable without having to actually BE
vulnerable. I have no problems
sharing my history because it’s just that: history. I can
share how I have been suicidal, how I’ve endured the psychological trauma of
having an abortion, endured a dysfunctional marriage, experienced post partum
depression because it’s all in my past.
I am no longer in those
spaces. What I am not very well
equipped at is sharing my feelings and thoughts as I am going through the
motions. Up until now, it’s been
an unconscious choice. So I
typically sought out relationships with emotionally unavailable people in order
to maintain a safe emotional distance.
This way, I could give my “all” without really exposing myself. I could share just enough of myself
without having to risk the whole kit and caboodle. And then, when the individual inevitably betrayed me or let
me down, I could stick with my old trusty thought process of See, people just are not trustworthy. If you give them a chance, they will
let you down.
What I never realized is that I am the only one who let
myself down. My failure to trust
others was simply a mirror of my own feelings about myself. I have never trusted myself! Since I
didn’t trust myself, I didn’t trust my own judgment when it came to others.
That’s why I so often ignored those gut warnings about my ex husband. That’s why I so often made excuses for
my mother. That’s why I would get
so defensive when someone would issue a loving warning to me. My assumption is that they were telling
me I was stupid or didn’t know any better because that’s what I secretly
thought about myself.
When I was 21, I made a startling revelation about
myself. I was an extremely
judgmental person. I would judge
any and everyone about anything.
If you didn’t fit into the box that I put you in, you got judged. And I know you’re thinking, “Well who
asked you to put me in a box?” Well I’m glad you asked; now I can tell
you. No one had to ask. It was a completely rhetorical question
that my over achieving behind was more than happy to answer. And by the way, you got judged for not
even recognizing that you should have been in the box. What I was able to recognize was that I
was so judgmental with others because I was extremely judgmental against my own
self. To say I was harsh on myself
is a gross understatement. Fortunately,
I was able to lovingly correct the error of my ways, but only as it pertained
to other people. I learned how to
give empathy, understanding, compassion, and care. I learned to live and let live. Sadly, I have been unable to lend the same care that I
readily dispense to others upon myself.
I am a nurturer. I will
love on and nurture, and build everyone around me. Yet, I’ll look at myself and tear me down like a lumberjack
jacks trees. It’s a pity because I
am only now recognizing that I am, and have been denying the entire world the
beauty that is Je’Niece. And I
don’t say that with a shred of arrogance.
It is the truth. The world
is waiting for each of us to deliver that thing that only we can create. I was created for a purpose. I believe in an all loving, perfect
Creator and I know my Creator doesn’t create junk. So to discard myself and deem myself junk is not only personal
affront against my own self, but a total act of dissent against my Divine
Creator. For that I am truly
sorry.
I want to be in the space where I can bring healing to the
world. It is my wish that I help to bring healing to
anyone with whom I share space and exchange energy. What I also now know is that before I can into the world and
share my gift, I must bring healing to myself. I must continue to stand courageously in front of the mirror
and face all the things about me.
I must release fear, negativity, and my downright stinking thinking and
heal all the wounded parts of me.
I must love myself—all of me: the 3 year-old in me, the 16 year-old in
me, the 80 year-old in me, and most especially, the present day 34 year-old
me. I want my cup to be so full
that it overflows beyond my reach. Then I will never have to dip into the
reservoir of my cup to give. My
giving will always come from abundance and never from lack. When I reach this place of healing, only
then can I truly experience the peace and joy I truly long for, and help others do the same.
