I'm In Love

So it’s been a long time.  I shouldn’t have left you. Without some deep words to read to.  Uh .. . . well . . . you know what I’m saying.  Anyway, we’re well into the fourth and final quarter of the year and I think this has been an amazing year for me.  2012 has been the year of conscious work for me.  I have been spending a considerable amount of time doing a lot of work on myself this year—especially within the last couple of months.  And to be honest, I think I can safely say it has paid off in the form of huge returns. Yes it has because I am now in love!  Yes you heard, or read me correctly.  I am in love!

I now know what the big deal is all about.  Being in love gives you this Hi-Pro glow like you wouldn’t believe!  I’m all glow-y and happy and there’s a spring in my step. So I guess you’re probably wondering who is this masked person who has me feeling so good.  Well, I’ll tell you.  She is absolutely wonderful!  She is beautiful. She is smart.  She is funny, kind, generous, and compassionate.  She loves all the things I love and detests all the things I detest.  I like her AND I love her.  She is just a wonderful person.  And her name is Je’Niece!

Yes, she is I!  I am in love with myself and I am so happy about that.  I’ve spent a huge portion of my life searching outside of myself for validation and love.  These past 4 years have helped me to recognize that all that which I seek is already mine.  I already have the love I want.  I am the love I want, I just wasn’t giving it to me.  I spent a lot of time criticizing myself, comparing myself to others—while subsequently deducing that I was the automatic lower option of the comparatives, shutting myself down, and failing to recognize my own worth and beauty.  And I did all of this while hoping, wishing, and wanting someone else to do the exact opposite for me.  I wanted someone else to see me as beautiful.  I wanted someone else to build me up, support me, nurture me and love me.  Spoiler alert, I never did find anyone to do that.  I mean yes they would be sweet and do all those things initially, but once they got to know me, that would end.  I would get exactly what I gave myself.  Then I’d have the nerve to be hurt, shocked, disappointed, and scared.  Will anyone ever love me the way I deserve?  Well if you keep that up, the answer is no. And the answer has been no for quite a while.  Well I’ve finally figured it out.  I have the love I want.  And what’s more, I’m giving it to myself.

 So since it’s been a while, I’ll tell you what happened with my Mr. Crush.  The honest answer is he crashed.  I have a mutual friend who knows him and she negotiated a little meeting of the minds between us.  It started off really nicely.  He seemed really interested and attentive and I saw great potential. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings and we talked for about 2 hours.  It was really nice and easy.  I heard Jill Scott’s Easy Conversation playing all through my head.  Immediately after our meeting, just as I was driving away, he texted me to say what a great time he had with me, how drawn he was to me and I thought wow, how nice.  I could get used to this.  We met up again after that, and that’s when things took the turn.  He still seemed interested and we talked and then he became kind of sporadic.  That’s when I started hearing a lot of “I miss you” and “I wanna see you” but there was no follow through.  So I told him, to do something about it.  We decided he would come over one Wednesday after he got off work and he was a no-show.  He didn’t call, text or anything.  So just to make sure I would be justifiably angry, I texted him to make sure he was ok.  I received a very nonchalant Yeah I’m great, how are you, to which point, I knew with absolute certainty that I was in fact justifiably angry. I didn’t respond to his text and the following morning, I received a seemingly heartfelt and apologetic text.  He texted me saying that he was sorry but his school had a volleyball game, which he was made to stay late for, afterwards the kids got into a fight, and it was such a mess that he was just tired.  Now, how any of that prevented him from making a phone call or text to cancel is beyond me, but that’s what the man said.  I responded by saying Thank you for telling me, but of course it would have been better if you had said so yesterday before you left me hanging.  This fool responded by saying lol, oh really.  Well I don’t know about you, but my interpretation of that was that he did not care at all that he left me hanging and he seemed a bit surprised that I called him out on it.  Yet, I’m nice cause I gave him another opportunity to hang, er, redeem himself.  We were supposed to meet up again a couple of weeks later.  He said 3ish on Saturday.  Well at around 1 he texted me to say he was running late waiting for his barber.  I told him to let me know.  Well, I didn’t hear from him again until 10 minutes after 5.  He said he was ready and asked what I was doing.  I said I was headed home and then I started getting the sorry’s and I really wanted to see you.  My response was a simple.  I said, This may sound harsh, but I don’t want to hear that.   After that, I received a very sharp response, which included:  wow ok I told you I would be late.  It’s my bday weekend and I thought you understood, but it’s cool. Ttyl.  Now in another time of my life, I would have really begun to doubt myself and feel as if I did something wrong.  But because I am in this new space, I didn’t even bother myself to get upset.  That simply let me know that this dude is just not into me and I don’t need to waste my time hoping wishing, praying, or waiting for him to figure out how great I am.  I will also mention that I was caught a bit off by the fact that a grown ass man used the phrase ttyl.  But I digress.  Anyway, I already know how great I am, so his failure to recognize it doesn’t affect me in any way.

And I’m so proud of myself because I know in the past this would have sent me into a downward insecurity spiral.  I would second-guess myself; I would start comparing myself to other women, deciding which would be his “type” since it’s obviously not me; and I would start the “what’s wrong with me” questions.  Essentially, I would be so hard on myself, but today, I am not.  I am simply loving on myself.  I’m not even upset about it.  I take the lessons learned, the good times I had (and there were some good, albeit brief, times).  And I really did learn from him.  He really helped me confront my fear of being loved and accepted, as well as my trust issues, and my own issues against myself.  I now know that I really am ready to love and to be loved and I can release all of those old defense mechanisms that weren’t defending a damn thing any ole way.  I can confidently walk into the future without expecting anything from anyone because I know that all that I want is already mine.  I just now have to look inward and release all the things from within.

A Course in Me

Life is nothing put a perpetual state of constant change.  That was a hard concept for me to grasp.  I was one of those who felt my sole purpose was to be comfortable so that I could attain a blissful state of peace and joy.  It has only been the last 5 years that have helped me to see that the real peace is obtained in the midst of the chaos.  Furthermore, if I’m truly living the adventurous life sure to yield all kinds of benefits, there will be chaos—and lots of it.  I’m getting to the space where I’m ok with that. 

There’s something about this time of year—that shift into autumn—that prompts me to become even more introspective than I already am.  I become really attuned into my spirit and what my soul really needs and is yearning for.  I must really be on to something because it’s not quite autumn and this is already happening to me.  I’ve recently begun reading A Course in Miracles, and already it has been a fascinating dive into the depths of my spirit and life.  It is bringing up some pretty heavy stuff for me.  The really awesome thing about where I am in my life journey now is that I am in a space where I can appreciate the heaviness without freaking out (well not entirely).  I can take the necessary steps to get still and figure out what I need to do.  So far, I’ve realized that I really need to walk in my own power, and that I need to release some unhealthy things:  my inability to nurture myself, my doubt and fear, and the emotional vampires I have allowed to suck my energy and love. 

Somewhere along this path, I learned; or decided that I was not worthy.  I learned that I didn’t have any right whatsoever to demand what I want, to say “No”, to remove myself from toxic situations or people, or even have the audacity to believe I was worth more than what was given me.  This kind of faulty thinking has led me to learn to believe that people are not trustworthy—especially my own self, and that I am to avoid being vulnerable at all costs.  I am generally ok with appearing vulnerable without having to actually BE vulnerable.  I have no problems sharing my history because it’s just that:  history.  I can share how I have been suicidal, how I’ve endured the psychological trauma of having an abortion, endured a dysfunctional marriage, experienced post partum depression because it’s all in my past.  I am no longer  in those spaces.  What I am not very well equipped at is sharing my feelings and thoughts as I am going through the motions.  Up until now, it’s been an unconscious choice.  So I typically sought out relationships with emotionally unavailable people in order to maintain a safe emotional distance.  This way, I could give my “all” without really exposing myself.  I could share just enough of myself without having to risk the whole kit and caboodle.  And then, when the individual inevitably betrayed me or let me down, I could stick with my old trusty thought process of See, people just are not trustworthy.  If you give them a chance, they will let you down.  

What I never realized is that I am the only one who let myself down.  My failure to trust others was simply a mirror of my own feelings about myself.  I have never trusted myself! Since I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t trust my own judgment when it came to others. That’s why I so often ignored those gut warnings about my ex husband.  That’s why I so often made excuses for my mother.  That’s why I would get so defensive when someone would issue a loving warning to me.  My assumption is that they were telling me I was stupid or didn’t know any better because that’s what I secretly thought about myself.  

When I was 21, I made a startling revelation about myself.  I was an extremely judgmental person.  I would judge any and everyone about anything.  If you didn’t fit into the box that I put you in, you got judged.  And I know you’re thinking, “Well who asked you to put me in a box?” Well I’m glad you asked; now I can tell you.  No one had to ask.  It was a completely rhetorical question that my over achieving behind was more than happy to answer.  And by the way, you got judged for not even recognizing that you should have been in the box.  What I was able to recognize was that I was so judgmental with others because I was extremely judgmental against my own self.  To say I was harsh on myself is a gross understatement.  Fortunately, I was able to lovingly correct the error of my ways, but only as it pertained to other people.  I learned how to give empathy, understanding, compassion, and care.  I learned to live and let live.  Sadly, I have been unable to lend the same care that I readily dispense to others upon myself.  I am a nurturer.  I will love on and nurture, and build everyone around me.  Yet, I’ll look at myself and tear me down like a lumberjack jacks trees.  It’s a pity because I am only now recognizing that I am, and have been denying the entire world the beauty that is Je’Niece.  And I don’t say that with a shred of arrogance.  It is the truth.  The world is waiting for each of us to deliver that thing that only we can create.  I was created for a purpose.  I believe in an all loving, perfect Creator and I know my Creator doesn’t create junk.  So to discard myself and deem myself junk is not only personal affront against my own self, but a total act of dissent against my Divine Creator.  For that I am truly sorry. 

I want to be in the space where I can bring healing to the world.  It is my wish that I help to bring healing to anyone with whom I share space and exchange energy.  What I also now know is that before I can into the world and share my gift, I must bring healing to myself.  I must continue to stand courageously in front of the mirror and face all the things about me.  I must release fear, negativity, and my downright stinking thinking and heal all the wounded parts of me.  I must love myself—all of me: the 3 year-old in me, the 16 year-old in me, the 80 year-old in me, and most especially, the present day 34 year-old me.  I want my cup to be so full that it overflows beyond my reach. Then I will never have to dip into the reservoir of my cup to give.  My giving will always come from abundance and never from lack.  When I reach this place of healing, only then can I truly experience the peace and joy I truly long for, and help others do the same.