It’s always funny to me what sticks to the recesses of the memory. Some of the most memorable moments of my life have been ordinary, humdrum experiences, yet I took something away from them, which made them stand out moments for me. Years ago, I played a question game with my ex husband, who loved conundrums, riddles and things of that nature. I only remember one of the questions: Would you rather be incredibly intelligent (like the smartest person in the world), or would you rather be a simpleton like Forrest Gump. I preferred to be like Forrest, Forrest Gump. In my rather humble opinion, Forrest was not stupid. He was just simple, and to be honest, he was actually quite happy—unlike most of the other people in his life. As I’ve grown, I’ve come to realize that life works best when we allow things to be simple. The more intelligent we become, the more we tend to complicate things. That question has remained in my mind ever since. So when one of my favorite movies, which just happens to be Forrest Gump, began playing on HBO about a month ago, I couldn’t help but to watch it and become reminded of that question yet again. This time around, I decided to change the question up a little, would I rather have a relationship with a man who is super intelligent, or would I rather have a man like Forrest Gump. To be honest, the older I get, when I think about the man that I would want to be in relations with, Forrest kind of looks like that man. He was sweet, honest, kind, honorable, loyal, understanding, strong, supportive, nurturing, and hell he was even rich. And to be even more honest, in my opinion, he was far from stupid. I’ve asked myself the question, why didn’t I want a man like Forrest before?
My initial answer was that I was young. As we all know, youth is for wasting
time, opportunities, and being as dumb as you can possibly be. Sarcasm aside, we do spend a great deal
of our youths working to prove this to be true. However, at a closer glance, I have to be honest with
myself. I wasn’t that different
from Jenny. Jenny loved
Forrest. Her refusal to be with
Forrest had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with her. Jenny was damaged. Years of suffering abuse at the hands
of her father left her empty, scared, and damaged. Forrest was everything she didn’t believe she deserved. His unconditional love for her scared
her. And she could justify things
by blaming Forrest’s intelligence, or his naivete.
After all, any smart man would know better than to want to love her and
treat her well. Just look at all
the men she chose to be with throughout the movie. But in fairness to Jenny, I haven’t been much
different. I chose men who deep
down I knew wouldn’t—and who ultimately didn’t treat me well. I allowed myself to be abused and
mistreated by the men I chose and I passed on some good ones. I may have justified things like
Jenny. I believe some of my
pitiful justifications included:
He just doesn’t do ‘It’ for me; He’s too nice; We’re too different. But the truth of the matter is that
there was something in me that recognized that those men would have loved me
and loved me with honor. I was not
ready for that. I didn’t believe I
deserved that. I was damaged and
scared.
And to be even more honest, that damaged little girl within
me had me scared of a lot of things (not just men). I was scared to ask for help because I just might have
received it. I was scared to
accept a compliment because I didn’t think I deserved it. I was just scared for good things to
happen to me. And all because I
didn’t think I deserved it. I
recognize now that mindset has probably kept a lot of the things I’ve claimed
I’ve wanted in my life at bay. And
it’s easy to sit back and wallow in pity and lament over “lost” opportunities,
but I don’t see it that way. I’m
thankful for that little damaged scared girl. Her inability to accept good things allowed for the both of
us to face her fears and see that they could indeed be overcome. Without facing them, I wouldn’t know
how deserving I am of great things.
I wouldn’t know that I’m loveable and I wouldn’t know how to love
myself. That scared little girl
taught me to live more Forrest and be the simpleton who helped make great
things happen and in turn have great things happen to. And while I’m well aware that it’s a
fictional movie, I choose to hold on to the belief that hey, it could
happen. So thanks to my inner
Jenny, The Forrest in me is now just running.
What say you? Have you been like Jenny? And please understand that this really doesn't have to be limited to romantic relationships? What good things have you allowed to pass you by because you didn't think you deserved them? I'd love to start a dialogue.
