Nothing Is All Good or All Bad . . . Includin Fear

Happy Friday!  It's been quite a while since I've done my V-log so I figured it was way past time that I posted one.  I recorded this little number some time ago, but after watching it, I can see that it fits.  I have been working to embrace everything that is in my life and that includes all of my feelings, attitudes, and viewpoints.  After all, the only way I can truly change is to accept what is and amend what I feel needs amending.  So the prevalent feeling has been fear.  As I shared in Wednesday's post, I have been working to let go of the fear that has so paralyzed me for much of my adult life.  However, when I examine what fear truly is, I had to recognize that all fear isn't bad.  In some instances, fear can just be a signal that you're on the right path.  The road of life is paved with all kinds of unknowns and in the face of the unknown, it's common for fear to arise.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing.  After all, it's not necessary to remove fear in order to act.  All that is necessary is that one possess courage.  And courage is simply acting,  even in the face of your fear. 

I'm Scared, But I'm Not Sure of What

I definitely feel a shift occurring in my life.  Seems that I am ready to release all of the fear that I’ve given in to for most of my life.  I don’t think I was born afraid.  I don’t think any of us are born afraid.  I think fear is a learned behavior.  In my case, I think my dad taught me to be afraid.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know he meant well.  His intentions were pure.  However, the end result was that I became a very fearful child.  By the time I turned 6, my dad became very over bearing.  He criticized me for what I didn’t do correctly, what I did do, what I should do and what I should be.  It seemed as if I was lacking in some area.  If I attempted to ask a question (simply because I needed clarification), I was accused of being a smart ass and I would get in trouble.  If I voiced an opinion (let alone one that differed from his), I was accused of being a know it all and would get in trouble.  So I learned it wasn’t good to say anything.  However, if I didn’t speak up to others, I would get in trouble for letting others take my mojo and that was a major no no (Ha! Look I made a rhyme!).  So I learned to second-guess myself.  I mean, when was the proper time to speak and the proper time to be quiet?  I just didn’t know. At one point, he taught me not to take such pride in my grades because there would be someone smarter than I—one with good grades.  And in his words, “A hard C is better than an easy A anytime” But when I came home with a “hard C” in Science, I was punished because let him tell it, I was “Bull sh*tting!”  I was way better than that.  I was so scared and confused I didn’t know what to do with myself.   Over the years, the mixed messages just taught me to be afraid of everything.  I was damn near afraid of my own shadow.  I was afraid to be great.  I was afraid to fail.  I was afraid to succeed.  Did I move left?  Or was I to head right?  I didn’t know and so I made a decision to just not move at all.  I wouldn’t play small nor would I play big.  I just wouldn’t play.  I would just glide along in life—being afraid the entire time.

This stagnation only served to infuriate me.  I would feel so helpless, so overwhelmed, so unfulfilled.  Yet, I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted so much for myself.  But I wasn’t sure that I could get it.  So I made excuses that could appease my ego and allow me to stay stuck.  Things like that don’t happen for people like me.  Now who exactly are people like me?  At the time I didn’t really have an answer.  But today I know it’s everybody.  We are all so much alike than we are different. And just the sheer fact that I am here means I am worthy of great things.  So I learned to accept that I want more and that’s ok.  However, I hadn’t managed to release the fear.  So I stayed stuck.  I would do a little bit—create vision boards, write down my wishes, pray, daydream.  But that’s where it would end.  I wouldn’t take any definitive action toward my desires.  And the simple truth is that I was just too afraid to.  I mean what would become of me if I did?  I was too scared to find out.

Well now that fear has waned.  I’m no longer afraid.  I trust the Universe.  I think the Universe is truly benevolent and wants to give us everything our heart truly desires (bar from harming ourselves or others).  However, we have to work with The Universe to make sure we receive those things.  I’m no longer afraid to work with the Universe.  And now that I’m in this space of no fear, it seems so silly that I was ever as afraid as I was.  Now I have to ask myself: well what was I really afraid of?  And the sad truth is that I don’t really have a definitive answer.  It’s like the Boogey Man.  No one really knows what he looks like, yet he’s to be feared.  Well, now I get it.  Fear is really more fearful than anything I can face.  So now it’s time to act.  And I’ve got a lot of making up to do.   

Is No Really The Worst That Can Happen?

I have a confession to make.  I once (and to an extent still do) battled with a bit of timid-ness when it came to going after what I want.  Now that I have confessed, I have to admit something else.  I find that to be kind of silly.  I mean really, what’s wrong with going after what I want?  The honest, and of course, most logical answer is nothing.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with going after what I want.  Well now that I’ve answered that, a more pertinent question is well what am I afraid of?  Now that I don’t have an exact answer for, but the most I can tell you that it involved a deep seated fear in hearing the word No.  Which brings me to ask another question.  (I know, I'm asking a lot of doggone questions!  But at least they're good ones).  What the hell is so fearful about that word?  Well, my current answer is nothing.  But if I’m honest, I can take myself back to the not quite as far behind me as I'd like days when I was afraid.  And since I can do that, I can tell you that the word No was frightening for me because I would make so much out of it.  In my mind, my entire being hinged on hearing what I wanted.  If the response was Yes, that meant I was worthy, loveable, great, and all that.  If the dreaded No was the response, then I wasn’t worthy, life would never be good, the sun would never shine, and to quote my baby girl, “all would be lost.” 

I’ve recently started learning and practicing Tantra and it has opened my eyes in a lot of ways.  One of those ways is that it has allowed me to learn to practice the art of non-attachment.  I first heard of this concept a few years ago from a dear Goddess friend of mine.  She told me about her love and commitment to becoming a mother.  She said, I am committed to becoming a mother, but I am not attached to the idea that he (her beau at that time) has to be the father.  That was so radical to me and I remember thinking that she was such a warrior for that.  But I was unaware that at that time I was practicing limiting, self-defeating beliefs.  As much as what I’d heard resonated with me, I didn’t believe it was possible to apply it to my own life.  I didn’t believe I was powerful.  I hoped I might be, but I didn’t really believe that I was.  So upon hearing my Goddess friend’s powerful words, I thought, That sounds good for her, but that probably wouldn’t work for me.  Yeah I know.  Po Little Tink Tink I was.  But not today.  Today I know better.  Today I recognize exactly what my Goddess friend was saying to me. I can commit myself to getting what I want without being attached to the hows of it happening or the why’s of it happening/not happening in my desired timeframe.  My only task is to ask for what I want and trust the Universe/ God/The Divine Creator to bring what I ask to me.  After all, The Universe is truly a benevolent being.  It seeks only to provide abundance and Love.  Whatever it is that I want (most notably need), the Universe conspires to get it for me-recognizing that whatever I’m asking for is more than likely a call for Love. 

Growing up, my dad would sometimes tell me No.  When I would ask for something, like permission to attend a party, or money for something, he would sometimes say, I wanna tell you yes, but I’m not.  I’m gonna tell you No. Because sometimes you just need to hear no.  Now you can imagine how infuriating that was for me.  It would drive me to want to exhale, drink, scream, kick, and pout.  But I kind of appreciate that today.  I get what he was trying to instill in me and I bet he didn’t count on that helping me come to the revelation that there is nothing scary about hearing that word. Frustrating?  Quite possibly.  Disappointing? Most probable.  But scary?  Nope.  Not at all.  Oprah Winfrey has said:

The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

I've come to realize how true that really is.  I would spend so much time fearing that I would hear the word no that I would allow that fear to paralyze me so I wouldn't go after anything.  I played it "safe".  Let me just tell you that playing it safe didn't bring me much satisfaction.  All it did was contribute to my stress--stress I duped myself into believing I was avoiding by not ruffling any feathers.  But I've learned some things and I can see clearly now the rain is gone. The way I see it, if I hear the word No, that either tells me, you are not the person I need to talk to so keep going until I get the person who can and will tell me yes; or something else (and probably much better) awaits me.  Either way, if no is the worst thing that I can hear; I’m doing pretty doggone good.

Run Forrest Run!

It’s always funny to me what sticks to the recesses of the memory.  Some of the most memorable moments of my life have been ordinary, humdrum experiences, yet I took something away from them, which made them stand out moments for me.  Years ago, I played a question game with my ex husband, who loved conundrums, riddles and things of that nature.  I only remember one of the questions:  Would you rather be incredibly intelligent (like the smartest person in the world), or would you rather be a simpleton like Forrest Gump.  I preferred to be like Forrest, Forrest Gump.  In my rather humble opinion, Forrest was not stupid.  He was just simple, and to be honest, he was actually quite happy—unlike most of the other people in his life.  As I’ve grown, I’ve come to realize that life works best when we allow things to be simple.  The more intelligent we become, the more we tend to complicate things.  That question has remained in my mind ever since.  So when one of my favorite movies, which just happens to be Forrest Gump, began playing on HBO about a month ago, I couldn’t help but to watch it and become reminded of that question yet again.  This time around, I decided to change the question up a little, would I rather have a relationship with a man who is super intelligent, or would I rather have a man like Forrest Gump.  To be honest, the older I get, when I think about the man that I would want to be in relations with, Forrest kind of looks like that man.  He was sweet, honest, kind, honorable, loyal, understanding, strong, supportive, nurturing, and hell he was even rich.  And to be even more honest, in my opinion, he was far from stupid.  I’ve asked myself the question, why didn’t I want a man like Forrest before? 

My initial answer was that I was young.  As we all know, youth is for wasting time, opportunities, and being as dumb as you can possibly be.  Sarcasm aside, we do spend a great deal of our youths working to prove this to be true.  However, at a closer glance, I have to be honest with myself.  I wasn’t that different from Jenny.  Jenny loved Forrest.  Her refusal to be with Forrest had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with her.  Jenny was damaged.  Years of suffering abuse at the hands of her father left her empty, scared, and damaged.  Forrest was everything she didn’t believe she deserved.  His unconditional love for her scared her.  And she could justify things by blaming Forrest’s intelligence, or his naivete.  After all, any smart man would know better than to want to love her and treat her well.  Just look at all the men she chose to be with throughout the movie.  But in fairness to Jenny, I haven’t been much different.  I chose men who deep down I knew wouldn’t—and who ultimately didn’t treat me well.  I allowed myself to be abused and mistreated by the men I chose and I passed on some good ones.  I may have justified things like Jenny.  I believe some of my pitiful justifications included:  He just doesn’t do ‘It’ for me; He’s too nice; We’re too different.  But the truth of the matter is that there was something in me that recognized that those men would have loved me and loved me with honor.  I was not ready for that.  I didn’t believe I deserved that.  I was damaged and scared. 

And to be even more honest, that damaged little girl within me had me scared of a lot of things (not just men).  I was scared to ask for help because I just might have received it.  I was scared to accept a compliment because I didn’t think I deserved it.  I was just scared for good things to happen to me.  And all because I didn’t think I deserved it.  I recognize now that mindset has probably kept a lot of the things I’ve claimed I’ve wanted in my life at bay.  And it’s easy to sit back and wallow in pity and lament over “lost” opportunities, but I don’t see it that way.  I’m thankful for that little damaged scared girl.  Her inability to accept good things allowed for the both of us to face her fears and see that they could indeed be overcome.  Without facing them, I wouldn’t know how deserving I am of great things.  I wouldn’t know that I’m loveable and I wouldn’t know how to love myself.  That scared little girl taught me to live more Forrest and be the simpleton who helped make great things happen and in turn have great things happen to.  And while I’m well aware that it’s a fictional movie, I choose to hold on to the belief that hey, it could happen.  So thanks to my inner Jenny, The Forrest in me is now just running. 

What say you?  Have you been like Jenny?  And please understand that this really doesn't have to be limited to romantic relationships?  What good things have you allowed to pass you by because you didn't think you deserved them?  I'd love to start a dialogue.

Just a Few Questions

*So I wrote this blog on Sunday to post on yesterday. But in my haste and excitement, I forgot to post it. Since I'm working on my post about my Oprah's Lifeclass experience now, I'll just let you read this one today*

I am so super duper excited! This is turning out to be an excellent week already!  Yesterday, I went to one of my favorite metaphysical stores and had my aura photographed.  It was such a cool experience.  You place your hand on a measuring device and that device reads you.  The reading device is hooked up to a computer and it is able to show you your entire aura—chakras, and all.  It was such an interesting experience, and I learned a lot.  I’m looking forward to doing some more work and going back in a few months to see the difference.  Now today I’m on my way to Harpo studios to attend a live taping of Oprah’s Lifeclass!  I am expecting to walk away a changed woman, meaning I will learn something new, gain a new perspective, release some stuff, meet some new folks, and just have a grand ole time!  I can’t wait. 

So since I’m so excited, I don’t really have anything pressing on my mind.  I haven’t really been over thinking lately, as I’ve been too busy staying present in the moment and enjoying myself.  However, there are just some things that always stay on my mind.  As Arsenio Hall used to say, there are just some things that make me go hmmm….  I don’t really have an answer to them, some of them are things that make my ass itch, others are just casual observations, and some of them are just the result of me over thinking a wee bit too much.  But here’s a list of questions that swirl around my mind from time to time.

1.     Why are people so threatened/afraid/hurt by the truth?

2.     Why do people love comparing everything? (Who’s the best singer? Who’s prettier?  Who’s the richest?  Why can’t you be like____?)

3.     Why do people fear falling in every instance, except in love? Falling is considered to be a thing to avoid, except in Love. Why do you want to fall in love? Don’t you just want to consciously choose to walk into it?

4.     In the movies, why are the bottoms of white people’s feet so damn dirty? (that has bothered me for quite a while)

5.     Who decided that green would be the color of envy?

6.     Why do men like sending pictures of their peen to women they barely know?

7.     Why is it so easy for people to mistreat the ones who truly love them?

8.     How is it that some women still believe a baby will keep a man?

9.     In the movie Friday, why did Craig and Smokey scramble for $200?  Smokey had $100 so all they needed was another $100.  And while I’m at it, why didn’t Craig have any money?  He’d just gotten his paycheck the day before, and he lived with his parents, didn’t appear to have a vehicle, so what bills did he have?  (I know I was over thinking on that one, but that’s bothered me since I first saw it.  If I ever meet DJ Pooh or Ice Cube, I’m asking that one)

10. Speaking of movies, whatever happened to Bobby, who was the original lead singer of the Five Heartbeats? (First thing I’ll ask Robert Townsend if/when I meet him)

11. Why does fear seem to be a stronger motivator than Love?

12. Why isn’t common sense so common?

13. In Scooby Doo, why were Shaggy and Scooby always so scared?  Seriously, they solved a mystery every episode and saw that it was always a mere mortal just trying to scare people so why were they always acting as if they didn’t know this?  (Yeah, that one is another over thinker!)

14. Why is it so hard for people to simply agree to disagree?

15. Why do hurt people hurt people?  I mean, if you know what it feels like, why do you want to inflict that pain on someone else?

16. In Love Jones, how could Nina possibly think it was a good idea to go out with Darius’ friend, Wood?  Seriously, when is it ever a good idea to go out with your man’s friend?

17. Why is it so damn funny to witness someone falling?

18. Will people ever realize that it doesn’t really take that much to be happy?

19. Why don’t some family members of the contestants on American Idol tell these people that they can’t sing?

20. Why do people love to act as if they can speak for God by telling you what God likes/doesn't like?  And why do they feel the need to say what the Bible says when they know good and well that they haven't cracked that book open and if they have, they haven't bothered to actually study it (and by study I mean to take into account language and cultural implications)?  

21. And why, why, why won’t these boys pull their pants up?!  How is it even comfortable to walk with your pants at your knees?!  Seriously!!

So there you have it.  These are just some of the thoughts that swirl around my mind from time to time.  And please understand that when I say people I am not speaking of everyone.  I just mean the folks it applies to.  So as my Daddy used to say, "If it don't apply, let it fly."  If you have any theories or answers, feel free to share them. I’d actually quite enjoy that.  And do you have any random questions that swirl around your mind from time to time.  If so, what are they?  Inquiring minds wouldn’t mind knowing at all.  I’ll let you know about my Lifeclass experience tomorrow.