Just a Simple Confession

 Me and my dad during a family vacation to Florida 1989

I have been feeling some kind of way for the past two weeks.  It’s been weird.  I’ve been anxious, unable to sleep, and off balance.  I have vacillated between feelings of happiness and inexplicable sadness.  And if I’m not sad, I’ve been feeling like I should be.  Initially, I simply attributed my mood swings to loneliness.  My baby has been gone visiting her father so I just assumed Oh I miss her and my usual schedule is thrown off.  But she’s back home now and I still have insomnia.  I still have this weird anxious feeling.  It wasn’t until I was perusing Facebook last night that it hit me.  A friend of mine tagged me in a picture and the picture was of my father and Isaac Hayes.  The caption stated that they passed 5 years ago and they were taken way too soon. 

Today is the fifth anniversary of my father’s death.  And it’s not like I haven’t known that.  I couldn’t forget August 9 if I wanted to (and trust me there are times that I definitely want to).  I’ve even mentioned it quite a few times within the month of July.  I guess knowing and experiencing truly are two different things because now that the moment is here, I am hit with a deep sadness.  Upon his passing, a friend of mine told me, I couldn’t tell you that it gets easier, but I can tell you that it gets more manageable.  In my oh so humble opinion, she is absolutely correct.  The pain I feel isn’t any less today than it was the moment the doctor informed us (my mother and me) that he was gone.   However, the pain is no longer such a shock to my system.  It’s familiar now.  The ache and longing in my soul is no longer foreign.  It’s with me every day, as it has been for the past 5 years.  And please understand that I’m not depressed.  I’m not in a dark place.  I am healed.  I just know that the void of my father’s absence will never be filled and it’s ok.  I’m in a space where I can laugh more than I cry.  I can remember good times.  I’ve even reconciled the fact that I am so much like him (something I detested when he was alive).  I catch myself sounding just like him and I smile.  I know that as long as I live, a part of him does and that makes me so proud.  I can talk to my daughter about her grandfather with affection and pride without feeling sad that her memories are so scarce.  I can relish that he at least had the opportunity to enjoy her for a whole year and a half.   

But, I’ll admit, that I am not always able to be so up beat.  On certain days of the year, the ache feels more agonizing, the void feels deeper, my heart feels heavier, and my soul just a little more weary.  Today is one of those days.  Today is the day where I admit that one of my biggest fears is living life longer without him than I did with him (in the physical sense).  Today is the day where perspective truly takes meaning because I know that 30 years is a significant amount of time, yet I don’t feel like it was enough time with my Daddy.  Today is the day where I cry more than I usually do—not that I intend to.  It always just sort of happens.  But above all else, today is the day that I remember a little more.  I remember his smile. I remember his laughter.  I remember all the lessons.  I remember all the times he got on my nerves and wish he was here to do it again.  I remember hearing his voice and thinking, “Man does he know how to be quiet?”  I remember his face the day I told him I was pregnant, and how he cried upon hearing the news. And most importantly, I remember how much I love him.  Thankfully, I don’t have any regrets.  I know that we do the best that we can in the moments.  We both did the best we could by one another, and in my humble opinion, we did pretty damn good.  Today as they say, is just one of those day.  So because I feel this way, I usually like to do something significant.  It makes me feel good to do something really significant.  But I don’t do it because he died.  I like to do it because he lived.  And I know that because he lived, I do as well.  I guess all I’m saying is that I love and miss my Daddy. And in the words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

Nothing Is All Good or All Bad . . . Includin Fear

Happy Friday!  It's been quite a while since I've done my V-log so I figured it was way past time that I posted one.  I recorded this little number some time ago, but after watching it, I can see that it fits.  I have been working to embrace everything that is in my life and that includes all of my feelings, attitudes, and viewpoints.  After all, the only way I can truly change is to accept what is and amend what I feel needs amending.  So the prevalent feeling has been fear.  As I shared in Wednesday's post, I have been working to let go of the fear that has so paralyzed me for much of my adult life.  However, when I examine what fear truly is, I had to recognize that all fear isn't bad.  In some instances, fear can just be a signal that you're on the right path.  The road of life is paved with all kinds of unknowns and in the face of the unknown, it's common for fear to arise.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing.  After all, it's not necessary to remove fear in order to act.  All that is necessary is that one possess courage.  And courage is simply acting,  even in the face of your fear. 

I'm Scared, But I'm Not Sure of What

I definitely feel a shift occurring in my life.  Seems that I am ready to release all of the fear that I’ve given in to for most of my life.  I don’t think I was born afraid.  I don’t think any of us are born afraid.  I think fear is a learned behavior.  In my case, I think my dad taught me to be afraid.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know he meant well.  His intentions were pure.  However, the end result was that I became a very fearful child.  By the time I turned 6, my dad became very over bearing.  He criticized me for what I didn’t do correctly, what I did do, what I should do and what I should be.  It seemed as if I was lacking in some area.  If I attempted to ask a question (simply because I needed clarification), I was accused of being a smart ass and I would get in trouble.  If I voiced an opinion (let alone one that differed from his), I was accused of being a know it all and would get in trouble.  So I learned it wasn’t good to say anything.  However, if I didn’t speak up to others, I would get in trouble for letting others take my mojo and that was a major no no (Ha! Look I made a rhyme!).  So I learned to second-guess myself.  I mean, when was the proper time to speak and the proper time to be quiet?  I just didn’t know. At one point, he taught me not to take such pride in my grades because there would be someone smarter than I—one with good grades.  And in his words, “A hard C is better than an easy A anytime” But when I came home with a “hard C” in Science, I was punished because let him tell it, I was “Bull sh*tting!”  I was way better than that.  I was so scared and confused I didn’t know what to do with myself.   Over the years, the mixed messages just taught me to be afraid of everything.  I was damn near afraid of my own shadow.  I was afraid to be great.  I was afraid to fail.  I was afraid to succeed.  Did I move left?  Or was I to head right?  I didn’t know and so I made a decision to just not move at all.  I wouldn’t play small nor would I play big.  I just wouldn’t play.  I would just glide along in life—being afraid the entire time.

This stagnation only served to infuriate me.  I would feel so helpless, so overwhelmed, so unfulfilled.  Yet, I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted so much for myself.  But I wasn’t sure that I could get it.  So I made excuses that could appease my ego and allow me to stay stuck.  Things like that don’t happen for people like me.  Now who exactly are people like me?  At the time I didn’t really have an answer.  But today I know it’s everybody.  We are all so much alike than we are different. And just the sheer fact that I am here means I am worthy of great things.  So I learned to accept that I want more and that’s ok.  However, I hadn’t managed to release the fear.  So I stayed stuck.  I would do a little bit—create vision boards, write down my wishes, pray, daydream.  But that’s where it would end.  I wouldn’t take any definitive action toward my desires.  And the simple truth is that I was just too afraid to.  I mean what would become of me if I did?  I was too scared to find out.

Well now that fear has waned.  I’m no longer afraid.  I trust the Universe.  I think the Universe is truly benevolent and wants to give us everything our heart truly desires (bar from harming ourselves or others).  However, we have to work with The Universe to make sure we receive those things.  I’m no longer afraid to work with the Universe.  And now that I’m in this space of no fear, it seems so silly that I was ever as afraid as I was.  Now I have to ask myself: well what was I really afraid of?  And the sad truth is that I don’t really have a definitive answer.  It’s like the Boogey Man.  No one really knows what he looks like, yet he’s to be feared.  Well, now I get it.  Fear is really more fearful than anything I can face.  So now it’s time to act.  And I’ve got a lot of making up to do.   

We are People, But Who Taught Us How to Be?

*So I went to Oprah's Lifeclass on Monday and got some deliciously wonderful nuggets of wisdom from it!  I'm going to write a post about each nugget.  However, I won't go into great details about the show so as not to spoil it for anyone who wants to watch the episode when it airs*

I had a fantastic time attending the live taping of Oprah’s Lifeclass with both Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant at Harpo Studios!  It was such an amazing experience.  Both of these women are so full of love and wisdom, and they both have an amazing gift of being present with people when they speak.  It was just a joy to be a present and watch them do what they do so well.  The topic of the show was Family Secrets.  There were so many courageous guests who opened themselves to share with the world their secrets and the effects on their lives.  Both Oprah and Iyanla listened intently, and gracefully shared their wisdom.  And there was so much wisdom.  I forgot to take pictures because I was so busy typing everything they were saying! 

At one point during the show, after speaking with one of the guests, Iyanla said something that made so much sense to me.  She said:  We are people.  Before we are anything else, we are people.  But nobody teaches us how to be just people.  We’re simply taught how to act in public.  We’re taught how to be lawyers, doctors, polite, basically everything but people.  And you know what?  I think she’s right.  When I think about my own upbringing, I was talked at quite a bit about proper behavior--how and what to do, the appropriate times to do such things, and especially about what not to do--but rarely was I talked with about my feelings, who I was, and who I wanted to be.  My dad tried his best to get me to see life as such, but his approach greatly diminished his efforts.  But Iyanla’s statement made sense to me because before we are anything else, we are people.  We are human beings, no human doings.  Yet we get so wrapped up in the doing that it interferes with our entire being.  I firmly believe that we are born with all the knowledge that we need to navigate through life.  As we age (notice I didn’t say grow), we are conditioned so that we forget all that we know and then; only if we recognize our faulty conditioning; do we then begin the process of reconditioning ourselves.  The conditioning we receive usually seems to come from a place of how who and where we currently are not good enough.  And I think this is where that disconnect occurs for the human race.  We are constantly in search of things to make us better and good enough so that we can be acceptable, failing to realize that we must first accept ourselves.

I see this mindset playing out with my ex husband.  He came over the other day to discuss his concerns with our daughter.  Now one of the issues that I take with him is that very rarely, if ever, does he want to speak with me about what he sees are good things in our child.  It’s usually about how she is lacking in some area.  I have watched my daughter and gotten to know her as she is and decided it is best that she attend a Montessori school.  The first school she was sent to didn’t suit her at all, so she was transferred to another one.  This particular school and the teacher have helped her tremendously.  The teacher really understands her and that is extremely important for my daughter.  She is highly emotional.  Everything she does stem from her emotional state.  However, I don’t think her father understands that.  He would prefer that she attend Kindergarten at a public school and I don’t think she’s quite ready.  Her teacher has shared the same sentiment.  My belief is that at this time, our daughter is not emotionally mature enough to attend public school where she will have to contend in a class with at least 25 other children, and the teacher would not be able to contend with her.  His stance is that he doesn’t feel that the current school will prepare her for, and I do quote, “the rigors of first grade”.  When I asked him what he was expecting of her as she is going to Kindergarten, he stated, (and again I quote) “She should be killing the game.”  Now I’m not really sure what that means, and since I didn’t get any explanation from him as to what that means, I’m left to infer.  In my opinion, he has some rather high and unrealistic expectations of our 5 year-old.  When I stated that she has learned arithmetic, geography, the solar system, reading and writing at the school, as well as achieved help with her social interactions, his response is that those are the things that we have helped her learn so she should know them.    

Now this is where the disconnect exists between he and I.  He has always been one who values intellect, status, and appearances, whereas I have always been one who doesn’t really care about those things.  He values having degrees, and titles.  I think that having degrees are great accomplishments (Hell, I have 2), but they don’t’ tell me anything about you as a person, and I’m much more interested in who you are.   And I’m not saying either one of us are right or wrong.  It’s just who we are.  I work very hard to respect his opinion  (and I do work hard at it because I know my personal feelings), I know that ultimately, I have to look past both he and I and focus on our daughter.  I definitely don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling as if she has to constantly do and achieve to finally be “Somebody”.  As our discussion grew increasingly heated, Iyanla’s words echoed in my ears.  I thought this is exactly what she was talking about!  While I fully trust and believe that his intentions are coming from a place of love, I also believe that he is operating from his own personal space of lack of good enough-ness.  In my ex’s mind, our daughter will only be great if she is better than everyone (even at the tender age of 5) because that is the same way he views himself.  His rationale is that she should be ahead of everyone because she will be 6 in October.  In his quest to want the best for her, he’s failing to see her as she is today and meet her where she is.   This in turn, makes it impossible for him to encourage her to be who she is.  In his defense, his parents probably taught him the very same way, so it’s what he knows.  I think most of us were taught this way.  Whether it was to achieve or not to achieve, we were taught to be what others deemed for us instead of the very beings we are.   I was just having this conversation with someone a few weeks ago.  There is a tremendous amount of pressure put upon children today that I don’t believe previous generations had to endure.  I was allowed to be a child. Play was deemed important for me.  Actually, I was the only kid I know who got in trouble for opting to stay in the house and read instead of going outside to play.  My dad frequently admonished me to remember to play and have fun.  He told me being smart was great, but being able to laugh at myself was even better.  He said if I focused on the fact that I was smart above all else, I would become disappointed because eventually, I’d meet someone smarter than.  If I hinged my entire self worth on my smarts, I’d naturally deem I was no longer good enough.   Man, he was really a wise man!  I wish his methodology had been better.  But I digress. 

Anyway, I think it’s so important for us to take a step back and ask ourselves, what are we here for?  I think we spend a lot of time on the doing, achieving of life only to get to the end and realize it wasn’t really that important.  When my dad died, I didn’t care that he achieved becoming the King of Comedy.  I didn't care about all the money he earned.  I cared that I had no more laughter with him, no more hugs, no more time to watch him play with my daughter.  I’m pretty sure no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d scored higher on that standardized test, or gotten a higher GPA, worked more over time on their job, made more money, bought more designer clothing, or any of the other so called things we do to make us believe we are good enough.  We are people.  That’s it and that’s all.  And honestly, we don’t need to be anything more.  But then again, who am I, save for a mere person?

No Flowers For Me

I’ve been so busy with travel and spending time with my little one that I have not been keeping an accurate account of my thoughts and activities. But the beautiful thing about writing is that there is no expiration date, so to speak, so I can always stop and write about things.  Well last month, I experienced something that I thought was an incredible display of love.  My bestie and I went to a party.  I know that doesn't sound like that would be such a moving experience, but it wasn't just any kind of party.  It was a celebration of life party for the owner of the salon we both go to.  His name is Phillip McCain, and while he doesn’t personally do either of our hair, he’s always been extremely courteous and kind whenever we’ve been there.  I have never heard a bad word about him.  Each of his employees seems to hold him in the highest esteem.  But Phillip now has Stage 4 Cancer.  I am not particularly sure as to what kind, but Stage 4 of any kind has got to be pretty somber.  It was actually held at the salon, and as I understand, it was at his request.  I was told he said he wanted to gather all the people he loved and who in turn loved him to celebrate.  It was a beautiful event.  The salon was packed! There were even crowds of folks outside. There was food, libations, music, and dancing.   As Phillip’s cancer is currently in stage 4, he was of course rather weak, he was unable to move around, and so he sat on a couch on the upper deck of the salon.  Towards the end of the night, there was a beautiful slideshow presentation, showcasing his life and there was not a dry eye in the building.  I really thought it was a beautiful display of love for this man.

My best friend, however, disagreed.  She felt the night was extremely depressing and that “they” were wrong for having him sit on a couch all night.  I told her it was by his request but that didn’t seem to make a difference.  Another friend of ours was in agreement with her. They both felt that it was in poor taste and depressing.  Personally, I think they were just uncomfortable with the display.  But it’s all a matter of perspective.  I probably would have been in agreement with her 4 years ago.  I was terribly uncomfortable regarding sickness and death.  Now I recognize that for me, going through the devastating loss of my dad and seeing how all of us who claimed to love him reacted in the aftermath, left me feeling differently.  I personally have never liked funerals.  If you want to talk about depressing, I find them completely depressing.  And I don’t find them to be depressing because of the obvious sadness and crying.  It’s just that I’ve never liked the way they work.  I’ve never liked sitting a corpse in front of people on display, singing depressing and somber songs, and hearing a “word” about death to be an appropriate way to celebrate someone’s life.  My bestie is already aware that should I leave this plane prior to her, I do not, under any uncertain terms, want a funeral.  I do not want my body on display.  I do not want sad songs to be sung.  I want a party.  She is to throw an elaborate party with all the fixings.  I want all my favorite music being played and all my favorite food to be served.  A slideshow can be showed and there can be allotted time for people to get up and speak, but the caveat is that they can only tell a happy story.  They have to say what they love most about me, or talk about their favorite moment with me.  I don’t mind tears being shed (if they are authentic), but I don’t want the occasion to be a somber one.  I want dancing and laughter and merriment.  She knows she is to follow this to the letter; otherwise I will haunt her for the rest of her life.  And she also knows I don’t want any flowers!  No flowers at my party.  I’d rather have all my flowers while I’m here on this side.

I think too often, we spend our time with those we love creating drama, focusing on what we don’t like, and living as if we will never have to say goodbye.  If you ask me (which you really didn’t, but it’s my blog so I’ll answer imaginary questions if I want to), there aren’t enough hugs, enough smiles, enough laughter, enough peaceful disagreements, and acceptance between loved ones.  Too many are not in peace when left to face the aftermath of their loved ones departure.  And I’m not referring to grief.  Grief is natural and inevitable.  I’m talking about all the residual feelings that are left: the guilt, the shame, the regrets and all over what wasn’t said or done or what could have been said and done better.  While we all must forgive ourselves and recognize that we do the best that we can, I think there are instances where we can agree we sometimes opt to not do better, even when we know we should.  Sometimes we do it out of fear, sometimes it’s pride, but whatever our reasons, in my humble opinion, they’re not good enough.  That’s why I thought Phillip’s party was a beautiful display.  Why should everyone wait until he’s gone to celebrate him, show up for him, and pay respects to him?  He’s here today.  Isn’t it better to tell him while he’s here?  Shouldn’t we all do that?  And again, I get it’s a matter of perspective.  But when I leave this earth, I don’t want anyone to bring flowers.  If you love me and you feel like you want to showcase that love, give me my flowers while I’m here. 

 *Incidentally, if anyone is interested, a love offering can be made for Phillip McCain* 

through PayPal at loveofferingforphillip@yahoo.com or

checks can be made payable to Phillip McCain c/o Toss the Hair Salon and Spa

60 East 13^th Street

Chicago, IL  60605

Attention:  Robert Lewis

It's Going to Be Beautiful

I have been having a most awesome time here in LA.  I have seen some great friends, chilled in great weather, and I’ve even been sleeping a good 7 to 8 hours every night!  I have just had a ball.  It really has been a welcome retreat for my soul.  And even though I’ve been having a magically delicious time, I can still only be me, so of course my mind has still been going a mile a minute.  Before I left, I was really in an icky place.  I was feeling impatient, down trodden, and somewhat defeated.  And there really hasn’t been an impetus for those feelings.  I think I’m just feeling stuck and I’m ready for a change.  I went to see a reader at one of my favorite metaphysical shops and he told me that my life was about to turn into a whirlwind.  He said there was so much change on my horizon, but I’m just not ready yet.  He told me to get ready because it’s close, just not quite as close as I’d like it to be.  And I’m really intuitive so I really knew that already.  I do feel like I’m on the cusp of something major, but it’s just not the right time yet.  When my life started turning all topsy-turvy a few years back, I just kept saying, “I’m being prepared for something greater.”  I felt it.  I knew it.  I trusted it.  But lately I was just feeling like “OK, I did all that suffering for what?!  Where is my big breakthrough?  I want it now!”  I think I was getting so caught up in my oh so human, illogical mind that I was missing things. And missing things was causing me to doubt and fear.  And fear is nothing but the devil.  I can’t say that I believe in a big ugly monster with horns and a pitchfork out to devour my soul, but I do believe that Fear is pure evil because it keeps us so locked into dysfunction and away from the abundance God wants for us. 

So since I’ve been thinking, I have been able to recall a lot of seemingly mundane moments, which I now realize were kind of profound.   One such moment occurred a couple of weeks ago.  I was taking my baby to school. A street near our home that we take to get to her school is under construction.  It’s quite a mess to pass, as the entire intersection is now nothing but gravel.  As we were passing by, Jas asked me “Mommy, what happened to the street?”  I began to explain to her that the street was being re paved.  So she asked me why the street looked as it did now and I told her “Well Kiddo, the old parts have to be torn down in order to allow the workers to build the new street.”  As I was saying this, I literally had a Hallelujah, A-Ha moment!  Isn’t that so much like life and how it operates?  Things are constantly changing and being made new, but in order for the new to come to fruition, the old has to be completely torn down.  Even Lowes has a commercial containing the song “Make it Beautiful (Tear it Down)” by the Phantoms.  It’s really a great song.  The lyrics include: 

“Gotta hit the wall to make it right

Break it down, break it down to see the light

(Chorus) You gotta tear it down, you gotta tear it down

Sometimes you gotta tear it down to make it beautiful”

I think that is the beautiful thing about life.  God, The Universe, The Great One, Our Creator, Life or whatever you’re comfortable calling this Divine Energy is always, always, always working things out in our favor!  Great things are in store for us.  Yet we are so afraid, so stuck in our human-ness that we miss it.  Things that we perceive as bad (relationships breaking up, losing jobs, losing homes, not getting what we want) are actually favors.  And when it’s time for the really great things to come our way, all the old has to be broken up and tossed out.  But we can’t accept what’s headed our way because we’re so busy looking at what we think we’ve lost.  How crazy are we?  Oh it’s just me?!  Well, fine be that way.  I’ll just speak for myself.  I have been so riddled in victim mode.  I’ve been so worried about what I lost, how I can’t wait for the day when I no longer feel the loss, that I was missing the point of it all.  Something beautiful is in store for my life.  The momentary losses were just that:  momentary!  Yet I was so blindsided by my pain, so stuck in judgment of what the pain meant, who the people who hurt me were, and myself for being hurt that I was missing it.  I was allowing the tearing down moments to define who I am and what my life was meant to be.  Slow down little red corvette!  I was driving too fast in the wrong direction.  Thank goodness for growth, for wisdom, and time.  Time is really on our sides.  We think because our time here on Earth is finite, that it isn’t.  But it really is.  Everything that happens, every choice we make, is part of the Divine plan for our lives.  So now instead of dreading going through another tearing down moment, I’ll be excited.  However, I am putting out the disclaimer that I don’t look for another tearing down moment for quite some time. 

By the way, this is just one of the reasons I love being a Mommy.  I learn so much from my kid.  I think understanding that you can learn so much from your kid is part of being a great parent.  But anyway, that’s another post so back to my point.  Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  I really think he’s right.    I don’t know about you, but I’m done looking at the closing doors.

It's Just a Love/Life Thing

I’ll admit when I first saw Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, I could not relate at all.  It was just totally unrealistic to me.  A mother and daughter who don’t get along? How pitiful!  Back then my mom was my ace.  We were not just mother and daughter we were friends.  My experience just did not allow me to relate to what I was viewing.  Well, some years have passed and I can now relate a little bit.  But only a little bit.

I have grown tremendously over the course of these last few years.  While I can’t actually say that I have enjoyed the process—I mean let’s be honest, the period of growth in our lives is usually in the moments of darkness—I can say that I appreciate the lessons.  So here’s a totally true story that illustrates just how much I’ve grown.  Since my father’s passing, my mother and I have drifted very far away from one another.  We are no longer close, and while that was initially very painful for me, I’ve come to a place of peace about it.  Her birthday happened to arrive last week.  Her husband called me the previous week to invite me to a surprise party he was throwing for her at Outriggers.  He also asked if I would sing for my mom.  I told him I’m not a singer but I would say some words if he wanted me to.  So the night of the party, as promised, I did get on the mic and say some words to my mother.  I can’t recall everything I said, but I know I said something to the effect of how grateful I am for her nurturing and caring of me throughout most of my life because I don’t know who I would be without her.  When I arrived home, my god sis (the one I mentioned in last week’s post when I said I let her into my home) asked in what seemed like shock, “Wow so where did your speech come from?”  I wasn’t actually surprised by her question, as I now know how emotional immaturity prevents people from being able to understand what I understand today.  I simply responded with “My heart”, because it was the truth.  The words I said were real and they came from my heart. 

I have never understood why people seem to think that not liking someone or not liking something someone has done to you means you have to hate them or wish bad upon them.  That’s just silly to me.  I can’t get with that.  Here’s the thing:  my mother and I are not close today.  In my very humble opinion, her actions have shown me that she doesn’t respect me, which I have decided is unacceptable for me.  I do not believe that at this point in time my mother genuinely has my best interest at heart.  And so I have made the conscious choice to love my mother from a distance.  And this choice isn’t based on hatred or anger; it’s actually grounded in Love.  Most importantly, love for myself.  I know a lot of people believe in the whole martyr syndrome which says that if you love someone, you must put them above yourself and take whatever they give you all in the name of love.  That’s how you get people staying in relationships that are detrimental to their well being and they respond with one of those dramatic “But I love him/her/them!” leaving you to ask “But do you love yourself?!” Well because I do love myself, I have deemed that it is not necessary to put myself in the line of my mother’s fire. And don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying this to say my mother is a terrible person.  Our parents are just flawed human beings, and my mother is no exception.  I once subscribed to this notion of what a mother “should” be like.  Once my mother failed to meet those standards, I became hurt, despondent, and damn near inconsolable.  But then I matured and realized that was judgment.  I was judging my mother for her failure to be who I wanted her to be.  Well I’ll be! Once I let go of the judgment, acceptance came in.  Once I was able to accept her for whom she is (and not who I made her out to be in my mind), I opened the doors for compassion.  I now have compassion for my mother because I understand that until you can see things from another’s perspective, you will remain in judgment of them.  While I personally can’t understand how a mother can mistreat their own child, I recognize that I have not had the unique experiences which my mother and many others have had which makes it possible for them to behave the way they do.  And because I have compassion, I am no longer stuck in my pain and I can release both my pain and my mother without feeling like it’s taking something away from me.

I also matured and recognized that relationships are nothing but containers for growth.  Once you outgrow a relationship, it releases itself.  I was trying like mad to hang on to a relationship that wasn’t meant to be at this time.  And I failed to see that it was ok.  I was still operating in judgment.  I would cry to myself “But we SHOULD be like this!”  I wasn’t seeing the whole picture.  I get today that my mother and I had an extremely co-dependent relationship.  If we were still in that place of co-dependency, I would never be who I am today.  My mother is only playing the part she was meant to play in the designed scheme of my life.  Had she not began to treat me the way she has, I would not have the courage to write this post, let alone my blog.  I would not be able to speak in the many arenas I have.  I would not have the courage to stop living for my parents and begin to live for myself.  It was painful to let go, but once I started to, I began to feel much better.  Hanging on only kept me in despair.  Now I am filled with peace and a hope for myself. 

And in recognizing all of this, I am not erasing what was.  Not being close to my mother today does not negate the closeness we shared throughout most of my life.  I have learned how to be grateful for all things in my life—even the unpleasant.  When I reflect on my relationship with my mom, I feel love and gratitude. I am grateful because for 30 years of my life, I felt nurtured, loved, and cared for like nobody’s business.  My ongoing joke was that my mom was the Nettie to my Celie.  And once upon a time she was.  Who knows where I’d be without her love.  It’s because of that love and bond we shared that I can genuinely look at her today with fondness.  I can genuinely open my arms and hug her without rolling my eyes or sucking my teeth.  It’s because of love that I can celebrate her birthday with her without resentment.  After all, she is worth celebrating.   She has done her job in my life.  Now since I cannot predict the future, I do not know if we will ever reconcile to the degree we once were.  But what I know is that it does not matter.  People are always in your life for a reason and a season, and when they have fulfilled their purpose, their time ends.  The end of a relationship does not mean that the love and memories have to die.  That’s the beauty of it.  You are left forever changed by the mark they imprinted upon your soul.  That’s no small feat. 

I once thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me was to lose both of my parents.  Well now I have and I know that it’s not. The worst would be if I were to lose sight of all I have because of them. 

To Tell the Truth

Happy Friday!  I have been soooo lax in my blogging and vlogging lately.  I threw my back out two weeks ago . . . and notice I said I threw my back out not that I had my back blown out--HUGE difference! And while I'd love to tell you I was doing something extra fun when it happened, I cannot tell a lie--especially since that's the subject for today.  I've just been experiencing some back problems as of late.  And even though my back hasn't been faring well,  I have been feeling really good as of lately, and I want that good feeling to travel to everyone I touch.  I can honestly say that I am living honorably and joyfully.  I know I am loved, protected, Divine, and on my way to receiving all the abundance that I deserve just because I am God's special child.  But to be honest, I've noticed that there are a lot of people who don't feel like me.  And truth be told, you probably notice them too.  Now it would be really easy to write them off, and let's be real, some of 'em you just are going to have to, but I figure why not spread my sunshine just a bit before I do. I think one of the biggest ways to inhibit yourself from feeling good and living abundantly is to not live honorably.  And one of the greatest way to live dishonorably is by not honoring and telling the truth.  I really think it's an epidemic these days.  We just don't like the truth in any kind of way.  So I just thought I'd share my two cents on the what I think about it.  Hopefully I said something that made you think, smile, laugh, and wanna pass it on.  If not, well then I love ya anyway!  *Muah*

"You can lie to others, but to lie to yourself is one of the worst things you can do."

~My Daddy!