What Will You Have Me Learn?

Since my dad passed, I have approached all that happens in my life as a teachable moment.  I didn’t always understand that things in life are happening FOR me and not to me.  I have since gotten the memo, so I do my best to stay mindful of this.  I’ve also learned that I have a great tendency to operate from the neck up instead of the neck down (something I’m consciously working on).  Therefore, I miss many cues upon their initial presentation.  When I finally get the cues, it’s after I have allowed a lot of distress, and they have since turned into full-blown tornadoes, leaving me with no choice but to pay attention.  Yesterday was just a very difficult day for me.  I was giving in to some majorly negative energy, and I unfortunately did not redirect myself until I reached a breaking point.  Thankfully, I was able to redirect and I got some lessons from two (unlikely—well unlikely to me at the moment) sources:  my daughter and my dog.

I have had my dog since February 2011.  My former dog Snowball passed away in September 2010 and I was heartbroken.  My daughter was young and I wanted her to grow up with a pet—especially since I didn’t have that luxury.  Unfortunately, I ignored the fact that I was still dealing with my issues from my dad’s death and turmoil with my mom.  I picked up a cute little West Highland White Terrier, which I aptly named Beanie (after my dad).  But from day one it has been a struggle.  Beanie was terribly difficult to train and after two and a half years, he still messes the floor (in spite of being taken out regularly).  I am not home as much as I need to give him the attention he deserves so he has some major separation anxiety.  Furthermore, I just don’t have the patience I once had.  After about two weeks, I became aware that I made a decision that wasn’t really in my best interest and I needed to rectify it.  However, I didn’t listen.  I came up with any and every excuse that I could to keep Beanie.  In the meantime, my frustration has done nothing but simmered.  In between frustration, I have always asked, What am I supposed to learn from him? Unfortunately, I have yet to grasp the answer.  Two years later, and I’m still just as frustrated as I was then.  But I’m not frustrated with him.  My feelings are all directed at the appropriate person.  So fast forward to Monday and I come home after dropping my daughter at theater camp.  I let Beanie out and I decide to clean.  Five minutes later, Beanie comes upstairs with me and proceeds to pee on the floor . . . right in front of me!  I was instantly struck by the same feeling that I had two weeks after I brought him home.  This dog is not a good fit for my life right now and I became aware of the lesson.  My relationship with Beanie is a direct reflection of my relationships in general.  I have always allowed people to go beyond my comfort zone.  I’m always willing to give, do, and be more than I know that I can.  I ignore my intuition when it tells me to draw boundaries or just let go.  I feel “bad” for thinking and feeling it.  So I stew in unhealthy relationships and grow resentful, giving away my power, failing to realize that I had the power the entire time. 

My other lesson came from my beautiful daughter.  I have known since the moment I found out that I was pregnant, that this person I would birth would teach me great things.  Little did I know just how true that would be.  In her short 6 years on this earth, this little woman has taught me more about myself than I have ever thought could be possible.    I had a "bad" Mommy moment, and in the moment, I felt as if I was watching myself take the wrong turn, but was somehow powerless to stop it.  After my baby left crying to her room, I was compelled to follow to continue in my poor decision, but I instead chose to take a moment, be still, and give in to what I was feeling. Then I asked myself, "What lesson am I to learn from this?"  What I got was that I was not taking care of myself.  I have been so busy and so immersed in taking the Fizzle to theater camp and making sure that I'm a "good" Mommy that I was neglecting myself.  I have not taken the time to do just one thing that I love.  I've been all about being Mommy.  I haven’t done anything that I love or need to center myself.  No yoga, no Zumba, no reading, no writing.  I haven’t even taken 5 minutes to meditate.  So because I have been going full steam ahead for The Fizzle, I have been tired.  Soooo tired.  Being tired has led me to being frustrated.  But instead of recognizing this, I gave in to my frustration and then had the audacity to take it out on my daughter.  After taking a moment to center myself and then forgive myself, I went upstairs, got my baby and apologized.  I could have allowed pride to keep me stuck.  But thankfully, good sense prevailed and I instead chose to go to her to apologize.  I explained that I was having a bad day and I inappropriately took it out on her.  I explained how I will make conscious choices to make sure that I do not engage in such behavior again.  While I do not like that the moment is etched into our history, I’m proud that she can at least remember that she has a mom who takes responsibility and holds herself accountable.  Hopefully that will mean more to her than my poor judgment. 

While I was somewhat shocked to receive my lessons from these two, I’m so thankful that I did.  The lessons brought me to the book If Life is a Game, These are the Rules.  Lesson #1 is lessons will be repeated until learned.  Here’s to not having to repeat these two lessons (at least I’m holding on to the belief that I won’t).

It's Going to Be Beautiful

I have been having a most awesome time here in LA.  I have seen some great friends, chilled in great weather, and I’ve even been sleeping a good 7 to 8 hours every night!  I have just had a ball.  It really has been a welcome retreat for my soul.  And even though I’ve been having a magically delicious time, I can still only be me, so of course my mind has still been going a mile a minute.  Before I left, I was really in an icky place.  I was feeling impatient, down trodden, and somewhat defeated.  And there really hasn’t been an impetus for those feelings.  I think I’m just feeling stuck and I’m ready for a change.  I went to see a reader at one of my favorite metaphysical shops and he told me that my life was about to turn into a whirlwind.  He said there was so much change on my horizon, but I’m just not ready yet.  He told me to get ready because it’s close, just not quite as close as I’d like it to be.  And I’m really intuitive so I really knew that already.  I do feel like I’m on the cusp of something major, but it’s just not the right time yet.  When my life started turning all topsy-turvy a few years back, I just kept saying, “I’m being prepared for something greater.”  I felt it.  I knew it.  I trusted it.  But lately I was just feeling like “OK, I did all that suffering for what?!  Where is my big breakthrough?  I want it now!”  I think I was getting so caught up in my oh so human, illogical mind that I was missing things. And missing things was causing me to doubt and fear.  And fear is nothing but the devil.  I can’t say that I believe in a big ugly monster with horns and a pitchfork out to devour my soul, but I do believe that Fear is pure evil because it keeps us so locked into dysfunction and away from the abundance God wants for us. 

So since I’ve been thinking, I have been able to recall a lot of seemingly mundane moments, which I now realize were kind of profound.   One such moment occurred a couple of weeks ago.  I was taking my baby to school. A street near our home that we take to get to her school is under construction.  It’s quite a mess to pass, as the entire intersection is now nothing but gravel.  As we were passing by, Jas asked me “Mommy, what happened to the street?”  I began to explain to her that the street was being re paved.  So she asked me why the street looked as it did now and I told her “Well Kiddo, the old parts have to be torn down in order to allow the workers to build the new street.”  As I was saying this, I literally had a Hallelujah, A-Ha moment!  Isn’t that so much like life and how it operates?  Things are constantly changing and being made new, but in order for the new to come to fruition, the old has to be completely torn down.  Even Lowes has a commercial containing the song “Make it Beautiful (Tear it Down)” by the Phantoms.  It’s really a great song.  The lyrics include: 

“Gotta hit the wall to make it right

Break it down, break it down to see the light

(Chorus) You gotta tear it down, you gotta tear it down

Sometimes you gotta tear it down to make it beautiful”

I think that is the beautiful thing about life.  God, The Universe, The Great One, Our Creator, Life or whatever you’re comfortable calling this Divine Energy is always, always, always working things out in our favor!  Great things are in store for us.  Yet we are so afraid, so stuck in our human-ness that we miss it.  Things that we perceive as bad (relationships breaking up, losing jobs, losing homes, not getting what we want) are actually favors.  And when it’s time for the really great things to come our way, all the old has to be broken up and tossed out.  But we can’t accept what’s headed our way because we’re so busy looking at what we think we’ve lost.  How crazy are we?  Oh it’s just me?!  Well, fine be that way.  I’ll just speak for myself.  I have been so riddled in victim mode.  I’ve been so worried about what I lost, how I can’t wait for the day when I no longer feel the loss, that I was missing the point of it all.  Something beautiful is in store for my life.  The momentary losses were just that:  momentary!  Yet I was so blindsided by my pain, so stuck in judgment of what the pain meant, who the people who hurt me were, and myself for being hurt that I was missing it.  I was allowing the tearing down moments to define who I am and what my life was meant to be.  Slow down little red corvette!  I was driving too fast in the wrong direction.  Thank goodness for growth, for wisdom, and time.  Time is really on our sides.  We think because our time here on Earth is finite, that it isn’t.  But it really is.  Everything that happens, every choice we make, is part of the Divine plan for our lives.  So now instead of dreading going through another tearing down moment, I’ll be excited.  However, I am putting out the disclaimer that I don’t look for another tearing down moment for quite some time. 

By the way, this is just one of the reasons I love being a Mommy.  I learn so much from my kid.  I think understanding that you can learn so much from your kid is part of being a great parent.  But anyway, that’s another post so back to my point.  Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  I really think he’s right.    I don’t know about you, but I’m done looking at the closing doors.