It's Just a Love/Life Thing

I’ll admit when I first saw Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, I could not relate at all.  It was just totally unrealistic to me.  A mother and daughter who don’t get along? How pitiful!  Back then my mom was my ace.  We were not just mother and daughter we were friends.  My experience just did not allow me to relate to what I was viewing.  Well, some years have passed and I can now relate a little bit.  But only a little bit.

I have grown tremendously over the course of these last few years.  While I can’t actually say that I have enjoyed the process—I mean let’s be honest, the period of growth in our lives is usually in the moments of darkness—I can say that I appreciate the lessons.  So here’s a totally true story that illustrates just how much I’ve grown.  Since my father’s passing, my mother and I have drifted very far away from one another.  We are no longer close, and while that was initially very painful for me, I’ve come to a place of peace about it.  Her birthday happened to arrive last week.  Her husband called me the previous week to invite me to a surprise party he was throwing for her at Outriggers.  He also asked if I would sing for my mom.  I told him I’m not a singer but I would say some words if he wanted me to.  So the night of the party, as promised, I did get on the mic and say some words to my mother.  I can’t recall everything I said, but I know I said something to the effect of how grateful I am for her nurturing and caring of me throughout most of my life because I don’t know who I would be without her.  When I arrived home, my god sis (the one I mentioned in last week’s post when I said I let her into my home) asked in what seemed like shock, “Wow so where did your speech come from?”  I wasn’t actually surprised by her question, as I now know how emotional immaturity prevents people from being able to understand what I understand today.  I simply responded with “My heart”, because it was the truth.  The words I said were real and they came from my heart. 

I have never understood why people seem to think that not liking someone or not liking something someone has done to you means you have to hate them or wish bad upon them.  That’s just silly to me.  I can’t get with that.  Here’s the thing:  my mother and I are not close today.  In my very humble opinion, her actions have shown me that she doesn’t respect me, which I have decided is unacceptable for me.  I do not believe that at this point in time my mother genuinely has my best interest at heart.  And so I have made the conscious choice to love my mother from a distance.  And this choice isn’t based on hatred or anger; it’s actually grounded in Love.  Most importantly, love for myself.  I know a lot of people believe in the whole martyr syndrome which says that if you love someone, you must put them above yourself and take whatever they give you all in the name of love.  That’s how you get people staying in relationships that are detrimental to their well being and they respond with one of those dramatic “But I love him/her/them!” leaving you to ask “But do you love yourself?!” Well because I do love myself, I have deemed that it is not necessary to put myself in the line of my mother’s fire. And don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying this to say my mother is a terrible person.  Our parents are just flawed human beings, and my mother is no exception.  I once subscribed to this notion of what a mother “should” be like.  Once my mother failed to meet those standards, I became hurt, despondent, and damn near inconsolable.  But then I matured and realized that was judgment.  I was judging my mother for her failure to be who I wanted her to be.  Well I’ll be! Once I let go of the judgment, acceptance came in.  Once I was able to accept her for whom she is (and not who I made her out to be in my mind), I opened the doors for compassion.  I now have compassion for my mother because I understand that until you can see things from another’s perspective, you will remain in judgment of them.  While I personally can’t understand how a mother can mistreat their own child, I recognize that I have not had the unique experiences which my mother and many others have had which makes it possible for them to behave the way they do.  And because I have compassion, I am no longer stuck in my pain and I can release both my pain and my mother without feeling like it’s taking something away from me.

I also matured and recognized that relationships are nothing but containers for growth.  Once you outgrow a relationship, it releases itself.  I was trying like mad to hang on to a relationship that wasn’t meant to be at this time.  And I failed to see that it was ok.  I was still operating in judgment.  I would cry to myself “But we SHOULD be like this!”  I wasn’t seeing the whole picture.  I get today that my mother and I had an extremely co-dependent relationship.  If we were still in that place of co-dependency, I would never be who I am today.  My mother is only playing the part she was meant to play in the designed scheme of my life.  Had she not began to treat me the way she has, I would not have the courage to write this post, let alone my blog.  I would not be able to speak in the many arenas I have.  I would not have the courage to stop living for my parents and begin to live for myself.  It was painful to let go, but once I started to, I began to feel much better.  Hanging on only kept me in despair.  Now I am filled with peace and a hope for myself. 

And in recognizing all of this, I am not erasing what was.  Not being close to my mother today does not negate the closeness we shared throughout most of my life.  I have learned how to be grateful for all things in my life—even the unpleasant.  When I reflect on my relationship with my mom, I feel love and gratitude. I am grateful because for 30 years of my life, I felt nurtured, loved, and cared for like nobody’s business.  My ongoing joke was that my mom was the Nettie to my Celie.  And once upon a time she was.  Who knows where I’d be without her love.  It’s because of that love and bond we shared that I can genuinely look at her today with fondness.  I can genuinely open my arms and hug her without rolling my eyes or sucking my teeth.  It’s because of love that I can celebrate her birthday with her without resentment.  After all, she is worth celebrating.   She has done her job in my life.  Now since I cannot predict the future, I do not know if we will ever reconcile to the degree we once were.  But what I know is that it does not matter.  People are always in your life for a reason and a season, and when they have fulfilled their purpose, their time ends.  The end of a relationship does not mean that the love and memories have to die.  That’s the beauty of it.  You are left forever changed by the mark they imprinted upon your soul.  That’s no small feat. 

I once thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me was to lose both of my parents.  Well now I have and I know that it’s not. The worst would be if I were to lose sight of all I have because of them.