I’ve been so busy with travel and spending time with my little one that I have not been keeping an accurate account of my thoughts and activities. But the beautiful thing about writing is that there is no expiration date, so to speak, so I can always stop and write about things. Well last month, I experienced something that I thought was an incredible display of love. My bestie and I went to a party. I know that doesn't sound like that would be such a moving experience, but it wasn't just any kind of party. It was a celebration of life party for the owner of the salon we both go to. His name is Phillip McCain, and while he doesn’t personally do either of our hair, he’s always been extremely courteous and kind whenever we’ve been there. I have never heard a bad word about him. Each of his employees seems to hold him in the highest esteem. But Phillip now has Stage 4 Cancer. I am not particularly sure as to what kind, but Stage 4 of any kind has got to be pretty somber. It was actually held at the salon, and as I understand, it was at his request. I was told he said he wanted to gather all the people he loved and who in turn loved him to celebrate. It was a beautiful event. The salon was packed! There were even crowds of folks outside. There was food, libations, music, and dancing. As Phillip’s cancer is currently in stage 4, he was of course rather weak, he was unable to move around, and so he sat on a couch on the upper deck of the salon. Towards the end of the night, there was a beautiful slideshow presentation, showcasing his life and there was not a dry eye in the building. I really thought it was a beautiful display of love for this man.
My best friend, however, disagreed. She felt the night was extremely
depressing and that “they” were wrong for having him sit on a couch all
night. I told her it was by his
request but that didn’t seem to make a difference. Another friend of ours was in agreement with her. They both
felt that it was in poor taste and depressing. Personally, I think they were just uncomfortable with the
display. But it’s all a matter of
perspective. I probably would have
been in agreement with her 4 years ago.
I was terribly uncomfortable regarding sickness and death. Now I recognize that for me, going
through the devastating loss of my dad and seeing how all of us who claimed to
love him reacted in the aftermath, left me feeling differently. I personally have never liked
funerals. If you want to talk
about depressing, I find them completely depressing. And I don’t find them to be depressing because of the
obvious sadness and crying. It’s
just that I’ve never liked the way they work. I’ve never liked sitting a corpse in front of people on display,
singing depressing and somber songs, and hearing a “word” about death to be an
appropriate way to celebrate someone’s life. My bestie is already aware that should I leave this plane
prior to her, I do not, under any uncertain terms, want a funeral. I do not want my body on display. I do not want sad songs to be sung. I want a party. She is to throw an elaborate party with
all the fixings. I want all my
favorite music being played and all my favorite food to be served. A slideshow can be showed and there can
be allotted time for people to get up and speak, but the caveat is that they
can only tell a happy story. They
have to say what they love most about me, or talk about their favorite moment
with me. I don’t mind tears being
shed (if they are authentic), but I don’t want the occasion to be a somber
one. I want dancing and laughter
and merriment. She knows she is to
follow this to the letter; otherwise I will haunt her for the rest of her
life. And she also knows I don’t
want any flowers! No flowers at my
party. I’d rather have all my
flowers while I’m here on this side.
I think too often, we spend our time with those we love
creating drama, focusing on what we don’t like, and living as if we will never
have to say goodbye. If you ask me
(which you really didn’t, but it’s my blog so I’ll answer imaginary questions
if I want to), there aren’t enough hugs, enough smiles, enough laughter, enough
peaceful disagreements, and acceptance between loved ones. Too many are not in peace when left to
face the aftermath of their loved ones departure. And I’m not referring to grief. Grief is natural and inevitable. I’m talking about all the residual feelings that are left:
the guilt, the shame, the regrets and all over what wasn’t said or done or what
could have been said and done better.
While we all must forgive ourselves and recognize that we do the best
that we can, I think there are instances where we can agree we sometimes opt to
not do better, even when we know we should. Sometimes we do it out of fear, sometimes it’s pride, but
whatever our reasons, in my humble opinion, they’re not good enough. That’s why I thought Phillip’s party
was a beautiful display. Why
should everyone wait until he’s gone to celebrate him, show up for him, and pay
respects to him? He’s here
today. Isn’t it better to tell him
while he’s here? Shouldn’t we all
do that? And again, I get it’s a
matter of perspective. But when I
leave this earth, I don’t want anyone to bring flowers. If you love me and you feel like you
want to showcase that love, give me my flowers while I’m here.
*Incidentally, if anyone is interested, a love offering
can be made for Phillip McCain*
through PayPal at loveofferingforphillip@yahoo.com
or
checks can be made payable to Phillip McCain c/o Toss the
Hair Salon and Spa
60 East 13th Street
Chicago, IL
60605
Attention:
Robert Lewis
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