I have a confession to make. I once (and to an extent still do) battled with a bit of
timid-ness when it came to going after what I want.
Now that I have confessed, I have to admit something else. I find that to be kind of silly. I mean really, what’s wrong with going
after what I want? The honest, and
of course, most logical answer is nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going after what I
want. Well now that I’ve answered
that, a more pertinent question is well what am I afraid of? Now that I don’t have an exact answer
for, but the most I can tell you that it involved a deep seated fear in hearing
the word No. Which brings me to
ask another question. (I know, I'm asking a lot of doggone questions! But at least they're good ones). What the
hell is so fearful about that word?
Well, my current answer is nothing. But if I’m honest, I can take myself back to the not quite as far behind me as I'd like days when I was afraid. And
since I can do that, I can tell you that the word No was frightening for me
because I would make so much out of it.
In my mind, my entire being hinged on hearing what I wanted. If the response was Yes, that meant I
was worthy, loveable, great, and all that. If the dreaded No was the response, then I wasn’t worthy,
life would never be good, the sun would never shine, and to quote my baby girl,
“all would be lost.”
I’ve recently started learning and practicing Tantra and it
has opened my eyes in a lot of ways.
One of those ways is that it has allowed me to learn to practice the art
of non-attachment. I first heard
of this concept a few years ago from a dear Goddess friend of mine. She told me about her love and
commitment to becoming a mother.
She said, I am committed to becoming a mother, but I am not attached to
the idea that he (her beau at that time) has to be the father. That was so radical to me and I
remember thinking that she was such a warrior for that. But I was unaware that at that time I
was practicing limiting, self-defeating beliefs. As much as what I’d heard resonated with me, I didn’t
believe it was possible to apply it to my own life. I didn’t believe I was powerful. I hoped I might be, but I didn’t really believe that I
was. So upon hearing my Goddess friend’s
powerful words, I thought, That sounds good for her, but that probably
wouldn’t work for me. Yeah I
know. Po Little Tink Tink I
was. But not today. Today I know better. Today I recognize exactly what my
Goddess friend was saying to me. I can commit myself to getting what I want
without being attached to the hows of it happening or the why’s of it
happening/not happening in my desired timeframe. My only task is to ask for what I want and trust the
Universe/ God/The Divine Creator to bring what I ask to me. After all, The Universe is truly a
benevolent being. It seeks only to
provide abundance and Love.
Whatever it is that I want (most notably need), the Universe conspires
to get it for me-recognizing that whatever I’m asking for is more than likely a
call for Love.
Growing up, my dad would sometimes tell me No. When I would ask for something, like
permission to attend a party, or money for something, he would sometimes say, I wanna tell you yes, but I’m not.
I’m gonna tell you No. Because sometimes you just need to hear no. Now
you can imagine how infuriating that was for me. It would drive me to want to exhale, drink, scream, kick,
and pout. But I kind of appreciate
that today. I get what he was
trying to instill in me and I bet he didn’t count on that helping me come to
the revelation that there is nothing scary about hearing that word. Frustrating? Quite possibly. Disappointing? Most probable. But scary? Nope. Not at all. Oprah Winfrey has said:
The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.
I've come to realize how true that really is. I would spend so much time fearing that I would hear the word no that I would allow that fear to paralyze me so I wouldn't go after anything. I played it "safe". Let me just tell you that playing it safe didn't bring me much satisfaction. All it did was contribute to my stress--stress I duped myself into believing I was avoiding by not ruffling any feathers. But I've learned some things and I can see clearly now the rain is gone. The way I see it, if I hear the word No, that either tells
me, you are not the person I need to talk to so keep going until I get the
person who can and will tell me yes; or something else (and probably much
better) awaits me. Either way, if no
is the worst thing that I can hear; I’m doing pretty doggone good.
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