The Disagreeable Debate

That video is just funny to me.  But anyway, on to the point of today’s post.  You know how there are things that make you go Hmmm ???  Well for me, Idon’t usually go hmmm.  I usually go “I don’t understand.”  And I’ll admit that there are a lot of things that make me go that way.  And there is something that I’ve been witnessing that is making me say it more and more these days.  Why is it so hard for people to respect another’s point of view/opinions/differences?  I really think it’s an issue of communication, or miscommunication, to be exact.  I think people tend to be under the misconception that respect means the same thing as agreement.  People tend to believe that in order to respect another’s opinion or actions, they must agree with or like it.   This, of course, is a total misconception. But I think it’s what is believed and that’swhat makes it so hard to open oneself.  We tend to view life in terms of relatability. Can I relate to what I just saw/read/heard?  Do I agree with it?  Because we tend to view life as such,we never really take the time to hear what others are saying, and respect where they are coming from.  That’s why accusations abound of one not listening. Usually the person will say You’re not listening! to which the response is usually Yes I am and a typical counter will go something like this: Well did you hear what I said? Sadly, most of us really never hear what is being said to us because we’re too busy in our heads coming up with the “right” argument against or reason for support in favor of what we've "heard". 

Our worldview is based on our experiences.  Our unique experiences shape our perceptions, opinions, behavior, etc. So we tend to project our worldview on to the world.  This projection keeps us from relating to people on heart to heart level. We think our way is the “right” way because hey it works for us.  Never mind that it actually might not work for us AND if it does, that doesn’t have anything to do with how it will work for someone else.  Years ago a friend of mine was looking for a dentist.  I recommended my dentist because I loved her and her staff and they always did a great job with my teeth.  Well, my friend went and had an absolutely horrible visit. She called me and asked me if I’d had a similar experience.  I hadn’t, and to this day, I never have.  It just didn’t work for her.  And thus is the way it goes for life. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.  A man is born, he’s a man of means.  Then along come two they got nothing but their jeans. But they got Diff’rentStrokes.  It takes Diff’rentStrokes to move the world.   Isn’t it funny how back in the day sitcom theme songs really had meaning?  

Ok, I’m back. But you get my point (or at least I hope you do).  But what I’m saying is that people tend to take another’s opinion personally.  Once they ascertain that your disagreement to their opinion is a personal matter, they then decide that you are not just “wrong”, but you are attacking them. And not just them, but their momma, their grandmomma, hell even their family dog who died 10 years ago and how dare you attack El Perro like that?!  In my rather humble opinion, I have a hard time understanding why people can’t just agree to disagree.  Moreover, I don’tunderstand why disagreeing has to be equate to being at ends with a person.  It’s not as if a difference in opinion is a serious threat to your life (unless it's that of the Republican party).  As a dear Facebook friend said "I can disagree with you without being disagreeable."   Sadly, many people are not able to do this.  Perhaps the world would be a more peaceful place if we could learn to respect oneanother’s opinions—even if they differ from our own. 

So what say you? Do you have a problem agreeing to disagree?  Do you find it difficult to respect another’s differing opinion?  Have you recently been in a situation where you either had to work very hard to agree to disagree or the other party did?  Let’s discuss.

Sharing in Shared Parenting

So I was wasting time that I should have been using writing enlightening myself with current urban culture and whatnot, when I came across a link to a picture of Erykah Badu’s beautiful little girl Mars.  Her father, rapper/DJ Jay Electronica, took a picture and posted it via Instagram.  Apparently, Ms. E was not too pleased with this, as it is her desire to keep her children out of the public domain because she believes that children need peace--or so I read.  So like any rational human being, she used social media and took to Twitter to tell him how she felt.  This was her exact tweet

 

Now normally, I mind my own business and don’t bother reading the dumb ass rantings of the public, but I dismissed common sense and read on through the comments.  There were people actually applauding Erykah because as the mother she has the right to tell him what to do because 1) she’s the mother 2) she’s kind enough to allow him to see his child and 3) since he’s only the father he apparently has no rights to do what he pleases with his child.  There were even people saying she was in the right because this was an issue of public safety for the child since Erykah is apparently such a huge celebrity that people would want to harm her.  Now I’m not saying that there aren’t some strange folks out there, there are tons of celebrities with way more star power than both of these parents whose children have graced the covers and inside pages of People, US Weekly, and the like and seem to manage to remain in tact and far from danger. And I'm not saying I agree or disagree with Erykah Badu.  But what I am saying is that when it comes to co-parenting, there are just some things that are not worth a battle.

Now while I understand that it is her desire to keep her children out of the public eye, if he does not share that same sentiment, she can’t exactly stop him from doing so unless she took him to court and had the courts order him to stop.  And in my opinion, that would just be a waste of time, dollars, and energy on something that could easily be solved by just putting egos aside.  Some argued that this is what happens when you have children with men who are not your husband and yeah I agree because well, as we all know, marriage is the cure for all disagreements and problems.  If you marry, you’re guaranteed a stress-free and agreeable existence with your chosen spouse.  You'll raise your children happily alongside one another with no disagreements whatsoever.  Sarcasm aside, this is an issue that could happen even if they were married.  People disagree all the time and parents disagree about their children.  However, the issue I took with this is who gets to say which parent has more right when they’re only expressing their opinion or desire as to what they believe is best? 

I get it.  It’s a sticky situation and as a woman who shares joint custody with my ex husband, I can tell you that it gets tricky when disagreements occur.  However, when it comes to something like this, I don’t believe that I have the right to tell my ex husband that he can’t show pictures of our daughter (I personally wasn’t feeling E. Badu's MY daughters reference) to whomever he pleases.  I may not like it, but again, she’s his daughter as well and he has the right to do as he pleases.  It’s similar to when we first went through our divorce.  I had girlfriends telling me I needed to dictate who he could have around Jasmine because “you don’t want him bringing all kinds of women around her”.  While I wholeheartedly agreed with this sentiment, I also knew I couldn’t dictate who he brought around our child.  I did just as Ms. Badu did and asked him not to do that.  But here’s the thing when you make a request; the person can respond with either yes or no.  Or they can do as my ex did and say yes then do the opposite when you’re not around. And again, that is totally their right.  I didn’t like it, and I wished things were different, but I thought it would have been silly to create an uproar and make things difficult simply because he wasn’t behaving as I wanted him to.  I recognized that if he continued to do that, Jasmine would decide for herself what kind of man he was and the consequences would be on him. I think far too often, we try to control things beyond our control, and we use titles like parent, boss, concerned friend, etc. to pacify ourselves and make believe that we’re only acting in the best interest of others. 

The other thing I noticed is that people really don’t have much respect for fathers.  It seems that all respect is given to the woman simply for being a mother.  The comments I read regarding E Badu highlighted this.  There were so many comments about how great of a mother Erykah is because the little girl is so cute and how Jay has no right to go against her wishes and post a picture because she’s the mother and she has custody.  So it’s like this.  We gripe and moan about the lack of fathers, yet we don’t want to give a man his due respect and allow him the absolute right he has as a father?  But let us find out he doesn’t pay child support and watch how he gets blasted.  A river doesn’t flow in two directions at the same time.  We either want men to be fathers or we don’t.  It’s really unfair.  And we women have to step back and trust the men we procreated with to be the fathers they are stepping up to be.  We have to remember that we are only parents to the child, not the father of our child.   Now it's an entirely different issue if you really believe he is endangering the child.  However, when it’s a simple matter of the two of you disagreeing on a topic, we women have to get over ourselves and stop giving the man a hard time about a child who is here in part due to him. 

And again, I get it.  Look I have a lot of strong opinions about my ex—some of which are not positive.  However, the one thing I am very aware of is that he is my daughter’s father.  That means, regardless of how I feel about him, what I think about him, what I wish, he is an important person to my daughter.  I have no right to interfere with his relationship with her.  I have no right to make him parent the way I want him to.  As long as he is not harming our daughter, I don't have a legitimate reason to create issues with him.  Again, I can have discussions with him regarding my desires for our child.  I can make requests, but he can also respond with no.  In which case, I have to get over myself and let it go.  And as I said, we don’t always agree.  As a matter of fact, we had a huge disagreement over what school she would attend this year.  I heard him out, gave him the opportunity to visit the schools I picked, yet we still disagreed.  In the end, it was my decision that he had to respect.  I chose to do what I felt was best for our daughter, but I did not go against him to spite him.  I did not tell him his opinion doesn't count because I am the mother and primary caregiver.  I think often times; parents forget that you both love the child and you’re both doing what you think is best. And when it comes to disagreeing, no one is "right" or "wrong".  There are only two differing views.  Compromise is a very crucial element when it comes to parenting and in the event that there can be no compromise, someone is going to have to be the bigger person and let it go.  I know that it’s hard and you may not like it, but really, in the end, is all the silliness worth it?  Of all the things they could bicker over, is one picture on Instagram really worth the amount of drama that could possibly ensue?  I don’t think so, but hey who the hell am I?

So what say you?  Are you in the middle of some crazy drama when it comes to co-parenting?  Do you think mothers sometimes go too far and try to parent both the kids and the father?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.