Hello Pot, My Name is Kettle

I have learned over the years that I am allergic to bullshit. And I’m not being funny when I say that.  I mean I am physically allergic to it.  I will break out in hives, get nauseous, and my ass will literally itch!  That’s just how allergic to it I am. It’s happened to me on several occasions so I’m well aware of the real-ness of it.   So I had an incident with someone yesterday.   This person came at me with a heaping dose of it and I just had to walk away before my allergies kicked in.  This person started ranting and raving like a lunatic and started talking to me like I was not an adult worthy of respect, but as if I were his child, who also happened to be in big trouble.  And the whole premise of his argument was “effective communication.”  Can you say Ha?  What’s even more funny is that this person claims I didn’t effectively communicate my whereabouts when I clearly sent a text to him to alert him, but he respond to it.  Again, I say ha.  Now back in my younger days, I could go toe-to-toe arguing and hollering right back.  It would take a lot to get me to that point, but boy once I got there.  Last night, however, I didn’t even see a point.  First of all, my daughter was standing right there.  Secondly, I was always taught that you shouldn’t argue with a fool because no one would be able to tell the difference between the two of you.  I mean negativity only begets more negativity.  If you want to settle something, do it with respect.  Respect goes a long way.  If you’re too upset to talk, walk away until you can speak rationally and calmly. Otherwise, an incredibly unnecessary and ridiculous scene can ensue.  Thirdly, I’ve learned that standing up for myself doesn’t require a loud voice or other such tactics.  The simple approach is really all that’s enough.  So I calmly said “Good night”, took my daughter’s hand and walked away, leaving this fool to yell by himself in a parking lot.   Now besides the fact that I feel this person lost all ground in his argument by speaking to me as he did, my major problem was the hypocrisy of his argument. 

What I felt was pure bullshit about the incident was that this person was upset about something I did that he himself is guilty of.  Well hello Pot, my name is Kettle!  Hypocrisy is something I have very little patience for.  I have learned to stop calling people out on their guilt to do things of which I am also guilty.  How can I dare call you out and I’m doing the same thing?  Doesn’t make sense if you ask me (and of course you didn’t, but by now you know I’ll ask and answer my own questions).  Further, I have learned to stop requiring things of others that I myself am not willing to do.  And that’s exactly how the aforementioned person operates.  He loves to require things of me--and others--which he usually fails to do himself.  And somehow, he usually feels completely justified when he calls me out on something.  I have no problem owning responsibility for my missteps.  I will tell you sorry, explain myself, and work to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  (Except when it comes to the telephone.  For the life of me, I cannot seem to get a handle on the phone.  I’m terrible with it. But that’s another story).    I’m actually quite proud of myself for not arguing or even staying upset about the incident. I recognize that the whole thing could have gotten much worse had I remained in that environment.  Thankfully, I remembered my allergies and I walked away.   And that whole scene just got me to thinking (as I tend to do anyway).

But he’s not the only person I’ve encountered who is guilty of this.  There is another person (and I’ve just completely released all the issues with that relationship) who does the same thing.  Whenever she addresses me about the issues of our relationship, she complains about things I’ve done trying to make things seem completely one-sided, when she’s done the very same things herself.  And once I point that out to her, she will not acknowledge her part.  And that leaves me completely befuddled.  Why go through all the trouble of pointing out my junk when you’re not willing to do the same for yourself?  

I’ve learned that everything (and I do mean everything) begins and ends with the self.  It is a law of physics (Newton's if you need a refresher) that for every action, there is an equal yet separate reaction.  So whatever it is that you want out of life, give it first and watch it return to you.  I see the evidence in my life by the changes in my relationships.  I have stopped beating myself up and not loving myself.  Thus, all the people who meant did the same thing to me and meant me no good have been removed.  I have no relationship with them.  And in return, new and wonderful people who are full of love have entered into my space.  The two relationships I just mentioned are two such examples.  I really don’t have much of a relationship with either of them.  There is a necessity there that makes it impossible for me to remove them completely, but at this point, to quote Evelyn Lozado (now Ochocinco), they are non-MF factors.   So that’s probably why they seem to have bigger issues with me now.  I know energy is real and they probably feel the new energy I’m emanating.  But when I have an issue with a person for which I want to communicate, I speak with respect and from a place of love, and I am for the most part, met with that in return.  I understand that I can’t complain about what I am not getting without first asking what am I giving.  And I won’t say this as if I have known this my entire life.  I’m not at all judging the people I mentioned above, I understand where they are, as it took some time to get this understanding.  But what I am saying is that while I understand, I will not tolerate it.  When they are ready to give to me what they expect from me, we can really move forward and possibly together.  And I’m really thinking perhaps they should spend a little more time looking at themselves than they are looking at me.  It would sure help my allergies if they did. 

So what say you?  How do you feel about being called a Kettle by an obvious Pot?  Are you guilty of it yourself?

Do As I Say and Not as I . . . Do?

I can't afford to take for granted that I am this precious little woman's primary teacher.

So I’m watching TV Friday night, and I come across this show on the OWN network called “My Mom is Obsessed”**.  Each episode profiles two different families where the mothers are obsessed with a particular activity (partying, dating younger men, bodybuilding, plastic surgery, shopping, etc.) to the point where they are neglecting their children.  I watched two episodes and vowed I can never watch another one.  I will seriously work myself into cardiac arrest if I continue to watch this foolery.  One mother had two young daughters at home but was so obsessed with going out that she made the oldest (who was only 14) take care of everything.  They have to see a therapist, so when the therapist asked the mother how she expected her daughter to take care of the home, her younger sister, AND go to school, the mother replied, “They’re both home schooled.” As if that made her daughter’s load easier.  This must have been news to the therapist who responded by asking “Oh really, by whom?” to which the mom responded, “Oh they’re both self taught.”  O__O Oh really?!  How and where dey do dat at?!  I’m usually really good at being able o extend sympathy to others, but in the case of these women, I just have an extremely hard time doing just that.  I’m still trying to figure out where in DE HAYLE the OWN network found all these fools!  

Look, all judgment aside, I understand how difficult the job of motherhood is.  I am a proud Mommy (to a beautiful little girl).  If you know me, you know she is the love of my life.  If you just meet me, it won't be hard for you to figure that out.  I read a quote a few years back from Lady O herself, Oprah Winfrey, regarding motherhood.  She states “I believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.”  Now that I’m a mother, I can say with complete certainty that I agree with that statement.  I always tell people that becoming a mother has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.  First of all, the magic and beauty that one experiences when carrying a child is just indescribable.  And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all a bed of roses (trust me, having morning sickness throughout my entire first trimester was certainly no cakewalk), but I remained in awe of what was going on with me in bringing my baby into the world.  Secondly, my daughter forced me into early retirement.  Thanks to her, I retired the cape and S on my chest that I so proudly wore--and without even realizing I had been wearing it for so long.  I recognized very early on that I was a vessel, which brought forth another human being into the world.  A human being with her own personality set of likes and dislikes, and her very own destiny to fulfill.  I’m really glad that I recognized that early on because I haven’t had the control issues that I experienced (and still do) with the adults in my life.  And because I understand that my job is to be a spiritual teacher to her,

I really do take my role as a mother very seriously.  I understand that a lot of who my daughter becomes can possibly be traced back to me.  Whether she wants to be or not, she may become a lot like me.  It is my intent to be as transparent and honest as possible with my daughter.  The old adage of “Do as I say not what I do” that so many who walked before me subscribed to will not work for me and my house.  I don’t want to give my daughter the false impression that I’m infallible simply because I happened to arrive on this plane before she did.  I’m human and I make mistakes and I’m more than ok with that.  And more than that, I want her to be ok with that as well.  So can you understand why I take issue with trying to teach her simply by telling and then going out to do the complete opposite without explanation?   No offense to those who have walked that path and believe in it, but I think that’s completely hypocritical and I want to live a life of integrity—for myself and for my child.  Besides, it never works.  Ever.  All it does is make your children resent you.  Once children become of age, they begin to judge the adults in their life anyway.  So I may as well walk with integrity before my child to lessen the judgment.  

Here’s a prime example of why this method fails to work.  It happened within my own family.  A certain adult in my family who was once extremely well regarded went through a really difficult time.  Let’s call her Marsha*.  Everyone was extremely sympathetic to her during that time because we could only imagine what she must have been going through.  However, in her grief, she began to go a little to the left.  She started carrying on with a very close friend of the family who also happened to be married (We were all close to his entire family.  We’d gathered at their home and vice versa, watched their children grow up, the whole shebang).  I’ll spare all the details, but needless to say that she got more than a bit carried away and her fling or whatever it was became quite noticeable.  It even became noticeable to a young lady in our family—her godchild to be exact.  At the time, the young lady, who we’ll call Meagan*, was about 16 years old.  She’d witnessed some flirtatious energy going on between the two of them and later came to me and asked quite casually at that, ‘Hey what’s going on with Auntie Marsha and Richard?” I should also mention that quite a few other people on several separate occasions also asked me what was going on because as I said, things were becoming evident.  Now I didn’t tell Meagan anything at all.  However, I did call up Marsha and tell her she needed to watch herself because things were getting obvious to folks.  I didn’t mention names, but I tried to lovingly warn her.  My thinking was that if people—even a 16 year-old--were starting to notice, Richard’s wife was probably noticing things as well.  So, Marsha went on a rampage and through a little bit of deductive reasoning, concluded that Meagan must have been a person who said something.  She then proceeded to call her godchild and curse her out.  She said several things, amongst those were “I’m a grown @$$ woman and you have not business talking about me and what I do.”  Now, some of you probably agree with that, but here’s where I felt Marsha lost her credibility.  First of all, Marsha threw out quite a few names with me, yet her goddaughter was the only person she bothered to call and confront.  Secondly, had she not been carrying on with dude on the phone in front of Meagan, it wouldn’t have been noticeable to her.  And finally, I recalled Marsha telling me about a similar experience she had when she was that age.  At 16, she found out her mom was cheating on her dad.  According to her story, she didn’t speak to her mom for over a month.  When I relayed that to Marsha, her response was “But this is different.  I’m not her mother!”  Now some of you are probably still in agreement, but here is where I felt Marsha lost credibility.  Marsha has a thing for her nieces, nephews or any other child she’s close to telling her that she’s not their mother.  I’ve witnessed her firsthand threaten to end lives for that because as she has declared, “I’m the next best thing to your mother!” So in my humble opinion, it was completely hypocritical on her part.  And to add further salt to her wound, just a year before, Marsha roasted a young Meagan for liking and contemplating dating a boy who she knew had a girlfriend. Marsha went on and on about how disrespectful that would be and the dangers of being a sidepiece.  So you can only imagine how a young Meagan felt not only by learning that Marsha was engaging in something even more extreme just a short while later, AND that it was with a close family friend whom we all knew. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I completely understand that Marsha was acting out of guilt.  But the issue that I saw happening was that she’d lost the trust of her godchild.  To this day, the relationship is not the same.  Meagan doesn’t respect her nor does she trust her.  Marsha never admitted her fault before anyone and she never actually apologized for at least cursing out Meagan.  I think too often, adults tend to allow their pride to interfere with their relationships with the children in their lives.  I’m all for respecting your elders, but children are not some brainless drones we bring into the world without any knowledge whatsoever.  Yet, it seems that sometimes adults tend to think that children don’t have a right to possess any knowing of their own.  And that’s just not how I want to treat my daughter.  I want her to trust herself and I recognize that I play a huge part in that.  If I undermine her simply because she happens to catch on the not so secret secret that I’m a mere mortal, what good can really come of it? 

The most beautiful thing I have recognized through my journey in motherhood is that my daughter is a beautiful conduit for my life’s lessons.  I have learned so much about life and myself just by raising this precious, beautiful little woman.  She’s only y 5 years old, and my lessons have been many.  In my oh so humble opinion, the best mothers (parents, guardians, god mothers/fathers, aunts, uncles, etc.) are the ones who understand that there is just as much that their child can teach them as they can teach the child (sometimes more).  I think teaching from the “I am the adult so I’m better/smarter/greater than you” mindset is just a mask of insecurity.  You’re using the child to make you feel better about yourself and that only creates feelings of insecurity in the child, thereby perpetuating that lineage of dysfunctional thinking and behavior.  So what say you?  Do you still believe in the do as I say, not as I do framework?  Or do you believe in something else?  Why or why not?  

*By the way, in case you hadn't realized, names have been changed to protect the innocent, but more so the guilty* 

**My Mom is Obsessed airs on OWN Friday nights 9/8c**