My Crush Groove

So I’m in a very different space right now.  As I shared on Friday, I have found myself face to face with a man whom I am actually attracted to.  And not just the Oh My This Man is Fine! attraction.  I would actually like to get to know him better.  It has actually taken me by surprise because I have not been looking for it, AND it doesn’t happen to me often.  It’s even more of a shock because it puts me in unchartered territory.  This is the first man I like who I am not finding by default or rebound.  I have been a serial monogamist throughout my life.  As I’ve said, I don’t fall often, but when I do, I tend to move straight into exclusive relationship status and remain there for years.  Each relationship has developed out of my need for validation and recovery from a previous one.  Yet here I am, 34 and experiencing my first non-rebound crush.  And I haven’t even bothered to act on it because right now that isn’t even important to me.  I still think there are some things I need to work on before I involve myself in a relationship.  Thankfully, I am in a place where I am much more aware of myself. 

Experiencing this crush has made me even more aware of myself, more specifically, how I have approached relationships and how I have viewed myself.  I still have some deficits in the area of self-esteem.  As I shared on Friday, I have never been good at seeing the good I have to offer.  I tend to see what I need to work on, what I haven’t done, and what I am not.  I have been doing much better with this issue, then I found myself crushing on Mr. Mister, and all of those self-deprecating thoughts began to surface.  First I started with the Why would he want me? questions.  In my mind, this man can have probably any woman he wants.  The thought that he could actually want me is one I hadn’t allowed myself to vision.  Logically, I am well aware that this is just some frackernackle bull, but my ego still likes to pose this question to me—mainly because my ego is sooo resistant to change and these are the questions I entertained for such a long time.  I even began to have the body issues again.  Now I’m well aware that most people tend to look at their bodies and see imperfections.  However, I was always a bit more extreme.  I never liked my body. It was never good enough for me.  It was too skinny, not nearly curvy enough, too tall, not tall enough.  And then it became too big, curvy, but not curvy in the right places, and just downright unacceptable.  After the birth of my daughter, I became extremely despondent as far as my body was concerned.  I hated the stretch marks that appeared and I did get that c-section pooch.  At that point, all I wanted was the body I spent all of that time hating.  I went through a terrible bout of post partum depression, and even though I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6-week checkup, I had gained back all my pregnancy weight by the time my daughter was 1 year old (in spite of all my exercise).  After my divorce, my weight came down and I was able to get to a place of appreciation of my body.  My stretch marks are not really that bad and my pooch isn't a pooch anymore.  Actually, when I show my stomach to others and complain, they give me the pat.  You know the pat.  The  pity ridden Oh this poor delusional thing pat that people give you on you thigh, shoulder or back when they feel like you have not even an ounce of common sense.  But that aside, I was able to get to a place where I felt like I looked pretty damn good for a woman who’s given birth, and who was by no means a bounce back chick (You know, Beyonce ‘nem)!  However, upon finding myself in this new crush groove, my ego started firing those body shots. Who would want to look at that, Ugh look at your stomach! ?!

Now I'm well aware that these are completely unhealthy and dangerous thoughts to have.  And this is why it's so great that I’m in this new space because now I don’t actually believe my ego.  However, I have noticed that I do entertain my ego a little longer than I have been recently.  This is all telling me that I’m not quite ready to be in relations with a man on that level.  For me, my relationships have always been my source of validation.  I made each man I partnered with responsible for my entire sense of self-worth.  If he chose me, I was worthy and better than other women.  I was now loveable, attractive, and great.  If he was unfaithful (which they all were), that meant I wasn’t good enough; I was lacking in some area(s).  Yet, I would stay in a quest to get proof that I was worth more.  And when that proof wasn’t delivered to me, I would end the relationship and begin anew with someone else almost immediately, now making it this man’s turn to build me up.  It was a vicious cycle that only eroded my self esteem even more.  What I have since learned is that because I was in that frame of mind, I sent out the type of energy that only attracted men who would not value me. They couldn’t because I didn’t value myself.  I placed a terrible burden upon those men, and I betrayed myself in the process. What I know today is that I am the only one who can build or tear myself down.  I don’t want to make another human being responsible for my self worth. And let’s face it, that mere mortal would fail anyway. 

I’d like to believe that I am different now.  I know better, so I will do better.  I’m not looking for a savior anymore.  Now I’m looking for something else and since I’m now different, I expect that.  However, upon recognizing these monstrous thoughts that have been creeping up, I am seeing that I'm not quite as different as I'd like to be.  I still have some work to do and I'm ok with that.  So I say that all to say that while I do feel I was caught totally off guard by my new crush, I’m actually quite thankful for it.  It has brought things I need front and center.  If nothing ever transpired between he and I, I’ll forever be thankful to him because he’s already helped to make me a better person.