The difference between guilt and shame is very clear—in theory. We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are.
~Lewis B. Smedes
I can’t believe that it’s already August! It feels like I was just ringing in the
New Year, and now I’m prepping to get things ready for my baby’s first day of
Kindergarten. Wow! That means 2013 is not far behind. And while I’m not trying to get far ahead
of myself (or you guys for that matter), I do want to keep that in mind. I’ve never been a person to focus on
New Year resolutions, or wait until the 1st of the month to begin a
new routine. I am a firm believer
in the present. There is no better
time than the present to start something new, change your mind, learn something
new, or whatever it is that you wish to do. You can start at this exact moment. So in my mind that means that it’s a
perfect time to ditch the people, things, ideas, baggage, etc. that no longer
serve you, and guilt is one such thing.
I’m constantly meeting, seeing, hearing, or talking to people who are
saddled with guilt and it really saddens me. Guilt is such a toxic emotion. It’s toxic and it’s a waste.
Someone I know was telling me about a close loved one who
warned her about firsts, so that when she gets married, things will be
“special” because there will be firsts she shares with her husband. This lovely woman had a lot of guilt
about getting married because she felt like there was no reason her now husband
should want to marry her. She had
children, so clearly she wasn’t a virgin and she wouldn’t be able to share in
having her first child with her husband.
And I should mention that the husband did not share in this belief. I was so saddened upon hearing
that. I don’t know the woman
personally, but I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about her and to think
that she was saddled with so much guilt instead of pure joy at the fact that
she’d found a good, loving man who loved her and her children just brought my
spirit down. I’ve been told she
has since been relieved of her guilt. But I’m saddened by all the time she
spent feeling guilty instead of enjoying the happiness that she deserved.
That’s how guilt operates. It leaves you unable to see any good or redeeming qualities
in yourself. It leaves you feeling
undeserving of good things. You
feel like you should be punished, as if others should hate you. When you are overcome with guilt, you
are not able to receive the goodness that Life wants to bring you. And no one has to punish you because
you’re punishing yourself. And
it’s such a waste because the simple thing to do is forgive yourself for
whatever infraction you feel you’ve caused. When you’re in guilt mode, you don’t understand how simple
it is to admit your offense, forgive yourself, and move forward. And I’m stressing forgiving yourself
because we’re really the only ones with the power to relieve ourselves of
guilt. If I wrong another, I can
apologize and truly want their forgiveness, but should they choose to withhold
forgiveness, that can leave me stuck and powerless because I’ve essentially
given them power. But if I forgive
myself, I can be remorseful and wish for their forgiveness without hinging my
entire self worth on someone else.
The thing about it is, there is no true rhyme or reason for guilt. It doesn’t even matter what the offense
is. Some people feel guilty over
choices they’ve made. Some people
feel guilty over choices others have made (like a parent feeling guilt over their child's actions). Some people feel guilty for being a victim of some one
else. You can feel guilty over something
that happened years ago, or something that hasn’t even happened yet. Some feel guilty over their
thoughts. Guilt makes you think
you’re a monster when guilt is really the monster that robs you of joy—and deserved
joy at that because that’s really what we’re here for.
I know a little something about guilt. When I was 16, I lost my virginity. And I didn’t lose it because I wanted
to. I just failed to speak up and
say I didn’t want to have sex.
Shortly after, I became pregnant.
I opted to have an abortion, but I never told my parents. A few days after my abortion, my mother
found my envelope of pills I was given to aid in my recovery. She’s a nurse so
she knew full well what they were.
Instead of telling the truth, I lied and said they belonged to my then
best friend. I cannot tell you how
much grief I felt! I felt guilt
because I was first a fornicator, AND THEN I had the nerve to become an unwed,
pregnant teenager. THEN I
committed murder by killing my baby, AND cowardly lied and put the entire
offense against my best friend. I
was unable to sleep for months.
When I did, I had the same dreams; it was the end of the world, Jesus
condemned me to hell and I burned.
I confessed to my best friend who immediately forgave me. She was more hurt that I didn’t tell
her and endured the whole thing alone.
But I never told my parents.
I couldn’t’ bring myself to do that. Instead, I told myself that I should just be punished. So I sought out relationships with men
who treated me terribly because I didn’t believe I was worthy of anything
more. I didn’t even believe that I
deserved to become a mother. I
secretly thought I would never be able to bear children again. I didn’t forgive myself until I was 27
years old. I carried that burden
around for over 10 years. And the
release of the guilt brought forth a lightness that I hadn’t even realized
existed! I even became pregnant with my healthy baby girl a year later. Now that I think of it, I
really think that was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Once I forgave myself and released that
guilt, I started thinking that perhaps I did deserve to be treated better than
I had been by husband. His
behavior was no longer passable for me.
I couldn’t keep making excuses for him. I now know it was because I was learning to forgive and love
myself and stop punishing myself.
It took me over 10 years to get that and I really hope it doesn’t take
any one else that long. Then I
fell in danger of having guilt over having taken so long to release that
guilt. But I caught myself before
I fell into another 10-year trap.
I now understand that there are no “good” or “bad” choices; there
are only choices. Each choice comes
with a lesson, and it is up to us to learn the lesson and move forward. But we human beings are unlike other
creatures in that we believe in punishment. I’m so glad I was able to forgive myself and I hope that
others are able to do the same.
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