So it’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. Without some deep words to read
to. Uh .. . . well . . . you know
what I’m saying. Anyway, we’re
well into the fourth and final quarter of the year and I think this has been an
amazing year for me. 2012 has been
the year of conscious work for me.
I have been spending a considerable amount of time doing a lot of work
on myself this year—especially within the last couple of months. And to be honest, I think I can safely
say it has paid off in the form of huge returns. Yes it has because I am now in
love! Yes you heard, or read me
correctly. I am in love!
I now know what the big deal is all about. Being in love gives you this Hi-Pro
glow like you wouldn’t believe!
I’m all glow-y and happy and there’s a spring in my step. So I guess
you’re probably wondering who is this masked person who has me feeling so
good. Well, I’ll tell you. She is absolutely wonderful! She is beautiful. She is smart. She is funny, kind, generous, and
compassionate. She loves all the
things I love and detests all the things I detest. I like her AND I love her. She is just a wonderful person. And her name is Je’Niece!
Yes, she is I!
I am in love with myself and I am so happy about that. I’ve spent a huge portion of my life
searching outside of myself for validation and love. These past 4 years have helped me to recognize that all that
which I seek is already mine. I
already have the love I want. I am
the love I want, I just wasn’t giving it to me. I spent a lot of time criticizing myself, comparing myself
to others—while subsequently deducing that I was the automatic lower option of
the comparatives, shutting myself down, and failing to recognize my own worth
and beauty. And I did all of this
while hoping, wishing, and wanting someone else to do the exact opposite for
me. I wanted someone else to see
me as beautiful. I wanted someone
else to build me up, support me, nurture me and love me. Spoiler alert, I never did find anyone
to do that. I mean yes they would be
sweet and do all those things initially, but once they got to know me, that
would end. I would get exactly
what I gave myself. Then I’d have
the nerve to be hurt, shocked, disappointed, and scared. Will anyone ever love me the way I
deserve? Well if you keep that up,
the answer is no. And the answer has been no for quite a while. Well I’ve finally figured it out. I have the love I want. And what’s more, I’m giving it to
myself.
So since it’s been a while, I’ll tell you what happened with
my Mr. Crush. The honest answer is
he crashed. I have a mutual friend
who knows him and she negotiated a little meeting of the minds between us. It started off really nicely. He seemed really interested and
attentive and I saw great potential. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings and we
talked for about 2 hours. It was
really nice and easy. I heard Jill
Scott’s Easy Conversation playing all through my head. Immediately after our meeting, just as
I was driving away, he texted me to say what a great time he had with me, how
drawn he was to me and I thought wow, how nice. I could get used to this. We met up again after that, and that’s when things took the
turn. He still seemed interested
and we talked and then he became kind of sporadic. That’s when I started hearing a lot of “I miss you” and “I
wanna see you” but there was no follow through. So I told him, to do something about it. We decided he would come over one
Wednesday after he got off work and he was a no-show. He didn’t call, text or anything. So just to make sure I would be justifiably angry, I texted
him to make sure he was ok. I
received a very nonchalant Yeah I’m great, how are you, to
which point, I knew with absolute certainty that I was in fact justifiably
angry. I didn’t respond to his text and the following morning, I received a
seemingly heartfelt and apologetic text.
He texted me saying that he was sorry but his school had a volleyball game,
which he was made to stay late for, afterwards the kids got into a fight, and
it was such a mess that he was just tired. Now, how any of that prevented him from making a phone call
or text to cancel is beyond me, but that’s what the man said. I responded by saying Thank
you for telling me, but of course it would have been better if you had said so yesterday
before you left me hanging.
This fool responded by saying lol, oh really. Well I don’t know about you, but my interpretation
of that was that he did not care at all that he left me hanging and he seemed a
bit surprised that I called him out on it. Yet, I’m nice cause I gave him another opportunity to
And I’m so proud of myself because I know in the past this
would have sent me into a downward insecurity spiral. I would second-guess myself; I would start comparing myself
to other women, deciding which would be his “type” since it’s obviously not me;
and I would start the “what’s wrong with me” questions. Essentially, I would be so hard on
myself, but today, I am not. I am
simply loving on myself. I’m not
even upset about it. I take the
lessons learned, the good times I had (and there were some good, albeit brief, times). And I really did learn from him. He really helped me confront my fear of
being loved and accepted, as well as my trust issues, and my own issues against
myself. I now know that I really
am ready to love and to be loved and I can release all of those old defense
mechanisms that weren’t defending a damn thing any ole way. I can confidently walk into the future
without expecting anything from anyone because I know that all that I want is
already mine. I just now have to
look inward and release all the things from within.
