Sharing in Shared Parenting

So I was wasting time that I should have been using writing enlightening myself with current urban culture and whatnot, when I came across a link to a picture of Erykah Badu’s beautiful little girl Mars.  Her father, rapper/DJ Jay Electronica, took a picture and posted it via Instagram.  Apparently, Ms. E was not too pleased with this, as it is her desire to keep her children out of the public domain because she believes that children need peace--or so I read.  So like any rational human being, she used social media and took to Twitter to tell him how she felt.  This was her exact tweet

 

Now normally, I mind my own business and don’t bother reading the dumb ass rantings of the public, but I dismissed common sense and read on through the comments.  There were people actually applauding Erykah because as the mother she has the right to tell him what to do because 1) she’s the mother 2) she’s kind enough to allow him to see his child and 3) since he’s only the father he apparently has no rights to do what he pleases with his child.  There were even people saying she was in the right because this was an issue of public safety for the child since Erykah is apparently such a huge celebrity that people would want to harm her.  Now I’m not saying that there aren’t some strange folks out there, there are tons of celebrities with way more star power than both of these parents whose children have graced the covers and inside pages of People, US Weekly, and the like and seem to manage to remain in tact and far from danger. And I'm not saying I agree or disagree with Erykah Badu.  But what I am saying is that when it comes to co-parenting, there are just some things that are not worth a battle.

Now while I understand that it is her desire to keep her children out of the public eye, if he does not share that same sentiment, she can’t exactly stop him from doing so unless she took him to court and had the courts order him to stop.  And in my opinion, that would just be a waste of time, dollars, and energy on something that could easily be solved by just putting egos aside.  Some argued that this is what happens when you have children with men who are not your husband and yeah I agree because well, as we all know, marriage is the cure for all disagreements and problems.  If you marry, you’re guaranteed a stress-free and agreeable existence with your chosen spouse.  You'll raise your children happily alongside one another with no disagreements whatsoever.  Sarcasm aside, this is an issue that could happen even if they were married.  People disagree all the time and parents disagree about their children.  However, the issue I took with this is who gets to say which parent has more right when they’re only expressing their opinion or desire as to what they believe is best? 

I get it.  It’s a sticky situation and as a woman who shares joint custody with my ex husband, I can tell you that it gets tricky when disagreements occur.  However, when it comes to something like this, I don’t believe that I have the right to tell my ex husband that he can’t show pictures of our daughter (I personally wasn’t feeling E. Badu's MY daughters reference) to whomever he pleases.  I may not like it, but again, she’s his daughter as well and he has the right to do as he pleases.  It’s similar to when we first went through our divorce.  I had girlfriends telling me I needed to dictate who he could have around Jasmine because “you don’t want him bringing all kinds of women around her”.  While I wholeheartedly agreed with this sentiment, I also knew I couldn’t dictate who he brought around our child.  I did just as Ms. Badu did and asked him not to do that.  But here’s the thing when you make a request; the person can respond with either yes or no.  Or they can do as my ex did and say yes then do the opposite when you’re not around. And again, that is totally their right.  I didn’t like it, and I wished things were different, but I thought it would have been silly to create an uproar and make things difficult simply because he wasn’t behaving as I wanted him to.  I recognized that if he continued to do that, Jasmine would decide for herself what kind of man he was and the consequences would be on him. I think far too often, we try to control things beyond our control, and we use titles like parent, boss, concerned friend, etc. to pacify ourselves and make believe that we’re only acting in the best interest of others. 

The other thing I noticed is that people really don’t have much respect for fathers.  It seems that all respect is given to the woman simply for being a mother.  The comments I read regarding E Badu highlighted this.  There were so many comments about how great of a mother Erykah is because the little girl is so cute and how Jay has no right to go against her wishes and post a picture because she’s the mother and she has custody.  So it’s like this.  We gripe and moan about the lack of fathers, yet we don’t want to give a man his due respect and allow him the absolute right he has as a father?  But let us find out he doesn’t pay child support and watch how he gets blasted.  A river doesn’t flow in two directions at the same time.  We either want men to be fathers or we don’t.  It’s really unfair.  And we women have to step back and trust the men we procreated with to be the fathers they are stepping up to be.  We have to remember that we are only parents to the child, not the father of our child.   Now it's an entirely different issue if you really believe he is endangering the child.  However, when it’s a simple matter of the two of you disagreeing on a topic, we women have to get over ourselves and stop giving the man a hard time about a child who is here in part due to him. 

And again, I get it.  Look I have a lot of strong opinions about my ex—some of which are not positive.  However, the one thing I am very aware of is that he is my daughter’s father.  That means, regardless of how I feel about him, what I think about him, what I wish, he is an important person to my daughter.  I have no right to interfere with his relationship with her.  I have no right to make him parent the way I want him to.  As long as he is not harming our daughter, I don't have a legitimate reason to create issues with him.  Again, I can have discussions with him regarding my desires for our child.  I can make requests, but he can also respond with no.  In which case, I have to get over myself and let it go.  And as I said, we don’t always agree.  As a matter of fact, we had a huge disagreement over what school she would attend this year.  I heard him out, gave him the opportunity to visit the schools I picked, yet we still disagreed.  In the end, it was my decision that he had to respect.  I chose to do what I felt was best for our daughter, but I did not go against him to spite him.  I did not tell him his opinion doesn't count because I am the mother and primary caregiver.  I think often times; parents forget that you both love the child and you’re both doing what you think is best. And when it comes to disagreeing, no one is "right" or "wrong".  There are only two differing views.  Compromise is a very crucial element when it comes to parenting and in the event that there can be no compromise, someone is going to have to be the bigger person and let it go.  I know that it’s hard and you may not like it, but really, in the end, is all the silliness worth it?  Of all the things they could bicker over, is one picture on Instagram really worth the amount of drama that could possibly ensue?  I don’t think so, but hey who the hell am I?

So what say you?  Are you in the middle of some crazy drama when it comes to co-parenting?  Do you think mothers sometimes go too far and try to parent both the kids and the father?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Run Forrest Run!

It’s always funny to me what sticks to the recesses of the memory.  Some of the most memorable moments of my life have been ordinary, humdrum experiences, yet I took something away from them, which made them stand out moments for me.  Years ago, I played a question game with my ex husband, who loved conundrums, riddles and things of that nature.  I only remember one of the questions:  Would you rather be incredibly intelligent (like the smartest person in the world), or would you rather be a simpleton like Forrest Gump.  I preferred to be like Forrest, Forrest Gump.  In my rather humble opinion, Forrest was not stupid.  He was just simple, and to be honest, he was actually quite happy—unlike most of the other people in his life.  As I’ve grown, I’ve come to realize that life works best when we allow things to be simple.  The more intelligent we become, the more we tend to complicate things.  That question has remained in my mind ever since.  So when one of my favorite movies, which just happens to be Forrest Gump, began playing on HBO about a month ago, I couldn’t help but to watch it and become reminded of that question yet again.  This time around, I decided to change the question up a little, would I rather have a relationship with a man who is super intelligent, or would I rather have a man like Forrest Gump.  To be honest, the older I get, when I think about the man that I would want to be in relations with, Forrest kind of looks like that man.  He was sweet, honest, kind, honorable, loyal, understanding, strong, supportive, nurturing, and hell he was even rich.  And to be even more honest, in my opinion, he was far from stupid.  I’ve asked myself the question, why didn’t I want a man like Forrest before? 

My initial answer was that I was young.  As we all know, youth is for wasting time, opportunities, and being as dumb as you can possibly be.  Sarcasm aside, we do spend a great deal of our youths working to prove this to be true.  However, at a closer glance, I have to be honest with myself.  I wasn’t that different from Jenny.  Jenny loved Forrest.  Her refusal to be with Forrest had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with her.  Jenny was damaged.  Years of suffering abuse at the hands of her father left her empty, scared, and damaged.  Forrest was everything she didn’t believe she deserved.  His unconditional love for her scared her.  And she could justify things by blaming Forrest’s intelligence, or his naivete.  After all, any smart man would know better than to want to love her and treat her well.  Just look at all the men she chose to be with throughout the movie.  But in fairness to Jenny, I haven’t been much different.  I chose men who deep down I knew wouldn’t—and who ultimately didn’t treat me well.  I allowed myself to be abused and mistreated by the men I chose and I passed on some good ones.  I may have justified things like Jenny.  I believe some of my pitiful justifications included:  He just doesn’t do ‘It’ for me; He’s too nice; We’re too different.  But the truth of the matter is that there was something in me that recognized that those men would have loved me and loved me with honor.  I was not ready for that.  I didn’t believe I deserved that.  I was damaged and scared. 

And to be even more honest, that damaged little girl within me had me scared of a lot of things (not just men).  I was scared to ask for help because I just might have received it.  I was scared to accept a compliment because I didn’t think I deserved it.  I was just scared for good things to happen to me.  And all because I didn’t think I deserved it.  I recognize now that mindset has probably kept a lot of the things I’ve claimed I’ve wanted in my life at bay.  And it’s easy to sit back and wallow in pity and lament over “lost” opportunities, but I don’t see it that way.  I’m thankful for that little damaged scared girl.  Her inability to accept good things allowed for the both of us to face her fears and see that they could indeed be overcome.  Without facing them, I wouldn’t know how deserving I am of great things.  I wouldn’t know that I’m loveable and I wouldn’t know how to love myself.  That scared little girl taught me to live more Forrest and be the simpleton who helped make great things happen and in turn have great things happen to.  And while I’m well aware that it’s a fictional movie, I choose to hold on to the belief that hey, it could happen.  So thanks to my inner Jenny, The Forrest in me is now just running. 

What say you?  Have you been like Jenny?  And please understand that this really doesn't have to be limited to romantic relationships?  What good things have you allowed to pass you by because you didn't think you deserved them?  I'd love to start a dialogue.

I'm In Love

So it’s been a long time.  I shouldn’t have left you. Without some deep words to read to.  Uh .. . . well . . . you know what I’m saying.  Anyway, we’re well into the fourth and final quarter of the year and I think this has been an amazing year for me.  2012 has been the year of conscious work for me.  I have been spending a considerable amount of time doing a lot of work on myself this year—especially within the last couple of months.  And to be honest, I think I can safely say it has paid off in the form of huge returns. Yes it has because I am now in love!  Yes you heard, or read me correctly.  I am in love!

I now know what the big deal is all about.  Being in love gives you this Hi-Pro glow like you wouldn’t believe!  I’m all glow-y and happy and there’s a spring in my step. So I guess you’re probably wondering who is this masked person who has me feeling so good.  Well, I’ll tell you.  She is absolutely wonderful!  She is beautiful. She is smart.  She is funny, kind, generous, and compassionate.  She loves all the things I love and detests all the things I detest.  I like her AND I love her.  She is just a wonderful person.  And her name is Je’Niece!

Yes, she is I!  I am in love with myself and I am so happy about that.  I’ve spent a huge portion of my life searching outside of myself for validation and love.  These past 4 years have helped me to recognize that all that which I seek is already mine.  I already have the love I want.  I am the love I want, I just wasn’t giving it to me.  I spent a lot of time criticizing myself, comparing myself to others—while subsequently deducing that I was the automatic lower option of the comparatives, shutting myself down, and failing to recognize my own worth and beauty.  And I did all of this while hoping, wishing, and wanting someone else to do the exact opposite for me.  I wanted someone else to see me as beautiful.  I wanted someone else to build me up, support me, nurture me and love me.  Spoiler alert, I never did find anyone to do that.  I mean yes they would be sweet and do all those things initially, but once they got to know me, that would end.  I would get exactly what I gave myself.  Then I’d have the nerve to be hurt, shocked, disappointed, and scared.  Will anyone ever love me the way I deserve?  Well if you keep that up, the answer is no. And the answer has been no for quite a while.  Well I’ve finally figured it out.  I have the love I want.  And what’s more, I’m giving it to myself.

 So since it’s been a while, I’ll tell you what happened with my Mr. Crush.  The honest answer is he crashed.  I have a mutual friend who knows him and she negotiated a little meeting of the minds between us.  It started off really nicely.  He seemed really interested and attentive and I saw great potential. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings and we talked for about 2 hours.  It was really nice and easy.  I heard Jill Scott’s Easy Conversation playing all through my head.  Immediately after our meeting, just as I was driving away, he texted me to say what a great time he had with me, how drawn he was to me and I thought wow, how nice.  I could get used to this.  We met up again after that, and that’s when things took the turn.  He still seemed interested and we talked and then he became kind of sporadic.  That’s when I started hearing a lot of “I miss you” and “I wanna see you” but there was no follow through.  So I told him, to do something about it.  We decided he would come over one Wednesday after he got off work and he was a no-show.  He didn’t call, text or anything.  So just to make sure I would be justifiably angry, I texted him to make sure he was ok.  I received a very nonchalant Yeah I’m great, how are you, to which point, I knew with absolute certainty that I was in fact justifiably angry. I didn’t respond to his text and the following morning, I received a seemingly heartfelt and apologetic text.  He texted me saying that he was sorry but his school had a volleyball game, which he was made to stay late for, afterwards the kids got into a fight, and it was such a mess that he was just tired.  Now, how any of that prevented him from making a phone call or text to cancel is beyond me, but that’s what the man said.  I responded by saying Thank you for telling me, but of course it would have been better if you had said so yesterday before you left me hanging.  This fool responded by saying lol, oh really.  Well I don’t know about you, but my interpretation of that was that he did not care at all that he left me hanging and he seemed a bit surprised that I called him out on it.  Yet, I’m nice cause I gave him another opportunity to hang, er, redeem himself.  We were supposed to meet up again a couple of weeks later.  He said 3ish on Saturday.  Well at around 1 he texted me to say he was running late waiting for his barber.  I told him to let me know.  Well, I didn’t hear from him again until 10 minutes after 5.  He said he was ready and asked what I was doing.  I said I was headed home and then I started getting the sorry’s and I really wanted to see you.  My response was a simple.  I said, This may sound harsh, but I don’t want to hear that.   After that, I received a very sharp response, which included:  wow ok I told you I would be late.  It’s my bday weekend and I thought you understood, but it’s cool. Ttyl.  Now in another time of my life, I would have really begun to doubt myself and feel as if I did something wrong.  But because I am in this new space, I didn’t even bother myself to get upset.  That simply let me know that this dude is just not into me and I don’t need to waste my time hoping wishing, praying, or waiting for him to figure out how great I am.  I will also mention that I was caught a bit off by the fact that a grown ass man used the phrase ttyl.  But I digress.  Anyway, I already know how great I am, so his failure to recognize it doesn’t affect me in any way.

And I’m so proud of myself because I know in the past this would have sent me into a downward insecurity spiral.  I would second-guess myself; I would start comparing myself to other women, deciding which would be his “type” since it’s obviously not me; and I would start the “what’s wrong with me” questions.  Essentially, I would be so hard on myself, but today, I am not.  I am simply loving on myself.  I’m not even upset about it.  I take the lessons learned, the good times I had (and there were some good, albeit brief, times).  And I really did learn from him.  He really helped me confront my fear of being loved and accepted, as well as my trust issues, and my own issues against myself.  I now know that I really am ready to love and to be loved and I can release all of those old defense mechanisms that weren’t defending a damn thing any ole way.  I can confidently walk into the future without expecting anything from anyone because I know that all that I want is already mine.  I just now have to look inward and release all the things from within.

Oh What We Do With the Stories We Tell

Happy Friday all you guys and gals!  I'm back with another one!  Today's post has been inspired by moi.  I don't know what it is, but lately, I haven't been observing anyone other than me.  But that's a good thing because I'm getting to know myself in ways I never knew before.  So any ole way, I hope you  not only enjoy this one, but that you share this with others (if you feel so inclined to).  Whatever resonates with you, take it (in my Diddy voice) Take that, take that, take that!  And whatever doesn't, leave it be.

So it's a beautiful day, it's the weekend, so go out and enjoy it.  After you watch this and share it that is! 

A Course in Me

Life is nothing put a perpetual state of constant change.  That was a hard concept for me to grasp.  I was one of those who felt my sole purpose was to be comfortable so that I could attain a blissful state of peace and joy.  It has only been the last 5 years that have helped me to see that the real peace is obtained in the midst of the chaos.  Furthermore, if I’m truly living the adventurous life sure to yield all kinds of benefits, there will be chaos—and lots of it.  I’m getting to the space where I’m ok with that. 

There’s something about this time of year—that shift into autumn—that prompts me to become even more introspective than I already am.  I become really attuned into my spirit and what my soul really needs and is yearning for.  I must really be on to something because it’s not quite autumn and this is already happening to me.  I’ve recently begun reading A Course in Miracles, and already it has been a fascinating dive into the depths of my spirit and life.  It is bringing up some pretty heavy stuff for me.  The really awesome thing about where I am in my life journey now is that I am in a space where I can appreciate the heaviness without freaking out (well not entirely).  I can take the necessary steps to get still and figure out what I need to do.  So far, I’ve realized that I really need to walk in my own power, and that I need to release some unhealthy things:  my inability to nurture myself, my doubt and fear, and the emotional vampires I have allowed to suck my energy and love. 

Somewhere along this path, I learned; or decided that I was not worthy.  I learned that I didn’t have any right whatsoever to demand what I want, to say “No”, to remove myself from toxic situations or people, or even have the audacity to believe I was worth more than what was given me.  This kind of faulty thinking has led me to learn to believe that people are not trustworthy—especially my own self, and that I am to avoid being vulnerable at all costs.  I am generally ok with appearing vulnerable without having to actually BE vulnerable.  I have no problems sharing my history because it’s just that:  history.  I can share how I have been suicidal, how I’ve endured the psychological trauma of having an abortion, endured a dysfunctional marriage, experienced post partum depression because it’s all in my past.  I am no longer  in those spaces.  What I am not very well equipped at is sharing my feelings and thoughts as I am going through the motions.  Up until now, it’s been an unconscious choice.  So I typically sought out relationships with emotionally unavailable people in order to maintain a safe emotional distance.  This way, I could give my “all” without really exposing myself.  I could share just enough of myself without having to risk the whole kit and caboodle.  And then, when the individual inevitably betrayed me or let me down, I could stick with my old trusty thought process of See, people just are not trustworthy.  If you give them a chance, they will let you down.  

What I never realized is that I am the only one who let myself down.  My failure to trust others was simply a mirror of my own feelings about myself.  I have never trusted myself! Since I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t trust my own judgment when it came to others. That’s why I so often ignored those gut warnings about my ex husband.  That’s why I so often made excuses for my mother.  That’s why I would get so defensive when someone would issue a loving warning to me.  My assumption is that they were telling me I was stupid or didn’t know any better because that’s what I secretly thought about myself.  

When I was 21, I made a startling revelation about myself.  I was an extremely judgmental person.  I would judge any and everyone about anything.  If you didn’t fit into the box that I put you in, you got judged.  And I know you’re thinking, “Well who asked you to put me in a box?” Well I’m glad you asked; now I can tell you.  No one had to ask.  It was a completely rhetorical question that my over achieving behind was more than happy to answer.  And by the way, you got judged for not even recognizing that you should have been in the box.  What I was able to recognize was that I was so judgmental with others because I was extremely judgmental against my own self.  To say I was harsh on myself is a gross understatement.  Fortunately, I was able to lovingly correct the error of my ways, but only as it pertained to other people.  I learned how to give empathy, understanding, compassion, and care.  I learned to live and let live.  Sadly, I have been unable to lend the same care that I readily dispense to others upon myself.  I am a nurturer.  I will love on and nurture, and build everyone around me.  Yet, I’ll look at myself and tear me down like a lumberjack jacks trees.  It’s a pity because I am only now recognizing that I am, and have been denying the entire world the beauty that is Je’Niece.  And I don’t say that with a shred of arrogance.  It is the truth.  The world is waiting for each of us to deliver that thing that only we can create.  I was created for a purpose.  I believe in an all loving, perfect Creator and I know my Creator doesn’t create junk.  So to discard myself and deem myself junk is not only personal affront against my own self, but a total act of dissent against my Divine Creator.  For that I am truly sorry. 

I want to be in the space where I can bring healing to the world.  It is my wish that I help to bring healing to anyone with whom I share space and exchange energy.  What I also now know is that before I can into the world and share my gift, I must bring healing to myself.  I must continue to stand courageously in front of the mirror and face all the things about me.  I must release fear, negativity, and my downright stinking thinking and heal all the wounded parts of me.  I must love myself—all of me: the 3 year-old in me, the 16 year-old in me, the 80 year-old in me, and most especially, the present day 34 year-old me.  I want my cup to be so full that it overflows beyond my reach. Then I will never have to dip into the reservoir of my cup to give.  My giving will always come from abundance and never from lack.  When I reach this place of healing, only then can I truly experience the peace and joy I truly long for, and help others do the same. 

My Crush Groove

So I’m in a very different space right now.  As I shared on Friday, I have found myself face to face with a man whom I am actually attracted to.  And not just the Oh My This Man is Fine! attraction.  I would actually like to get to know him better.  It has actually taken me by surprise because I have not been looking for it, AND it doesn’t happen to me often.  It’s even more of a shock because it puts me in unchartered territory.  This is the first man I like who I am not finding by default or rebound.  I have been a serial monogamist throughout my life.  As I’ve said, I don’t fall often, but when I do, I tend to move straight into exclusive relationship status and remain there for years.  Each relationship has developed out of my need for validation and recovery from a previous one.  Yet here I am, 34 and experiencing my first non-rebound crush.  And I haven’t even bothered to act on it because right now that isn’t even important to me.  I still think there are some things I need to work on before I involve myself in a relationship.  Thankfully, I am in a place where I am much more aware of myself. 

Experiencing this crush has made me even more aware of myself, more specifically, how I have approached relationships and how I have viewed myself.  I still have some deficits in the area of self-esteem.  As I shared on Friday, I have never been good at seeing the good I have to offer.  I tend to see what I need to work on, what I haven’t done, and what I am not.  I have been doing much better with this issue, then I found myself crushing on Mr. Mister, and all of those self-deprecating thoughts began to surface.  First I started with the Why would he want me? questions.  In my mind, this man can have probably any woman he wants.  The thought that he could actually want me is one I hadn’t allowed myself to vision.  Logically, I am well aware that this is just some frackernackle bull, but my ego still likes to pose this question to me—mainly because my ego is sooo resistant to change and these are the questions I entertained for such a long time.  I even began to have the body issues again.  Now I’m well aware that most people tend to look at their bodies and see imperfections.  However, I was always a bit more extreme.  I never liked my body. It was never good enough for me.  It was too skinny, not nearly curvy enough, too tall, not tall enough.  And then it became too big, curvy, but not curvy in the right places, and just downright unacceptable.  After the birth of my daughter, I became extremely despondent as far as my body was concerned.  I hated the stretch marks that appeared and I did get that c-section pooch.  At that point, all I wanted was the body I spent all of that time hating.  I went through a terrible bout of post partum depression, and even though I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6-week checkup, I had gained back all my pregnancy weight by the time my daughter was 1 year old (in spite of all my exercise).  After my divorce, my weight came down and I was able to get to a place of appreciation of my body.  My stretch marks are not really that bad and my pooch isn't a pooch anymore.  Actually, when I show my stomach to others and complain, they give me the pat.  You know the pat.  The  pity ridden Oh this poor delusional thing pat that people give you on you thigh, shoulder or back when they feel like you have not even an ounce of common sense.  But that aside, I was able to get to a place where I felt like I looked pretty damn good for a woman who’s given birth, and who was by no means a bounce back chick (You know, Beyonce ‘nem)!  However, upon finding myself in this new crush groove, my ego started firing those body shots. Who would want to look at that, Ugh look at your stomach! ?!

Now I'm well aware that these are completely unhealthy and dangerous thoughts to have.  And this is why it's so great that I’m in this new space because now I don’t actually believe my ego.  However, I have noticed that I do entertain my ego a little longer than I have been recently.  This is all telling me that I’m not quite ready to be in relations with a man on that level.  For me, my relationships have always been my source of validation.  I made each man I partnered with responsible for my entire sense of self-worth.  If he chose me, I was worthy and better than other women.  I was now loveable, attractive, and great.  If he was unfaithful (which they all were), that meant I wasn’t good enough; I was lacking in some area(s).  Yet, I would stay in a quest to get proof that I was worth more.  And when that proof wasn’t delivered to me, I would end the relationship and begin anew with someone else almost immediately, now making it this man’s turn to build me up.  It was a vicious cycle that only eroded my self esteem even more.  What I have since learned is that because I was in that frame of mind, I sent out the type of energy that only attracted men who would not value me. They couldn’t because I didn’t value myself.  I placed a terrible burden upon those men, and I betrayed myself in the process. What I know today is that I am the only one who can build or tear myself down.  I don’t want to make another human being responsible for my self worth. And let’s face it, that mere mortal would fail anyway. 

I’d like to believe that I am different now.  I know better, so I will do better.  I’m not looking for a savior anymore.  Now I’m looking for something else and since I’m now different, I expect that.  However, upon recognizing these monstrous thoughts that have been creeping up, I am seeing that I'm not quite as different as I'd like to be.  I still have some work to do and I'm ok with that.  So I say that all to say that while I do feel I was caught totally off guard by my new crush, I’m actually quite thankful for it.  It has brought things I need front and center.  If nothing ever transpired between he and I, I’ll forever be thankful to him because he’s already helped to make me a better person.  

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall . . . What the Hell Am I Seeing?!

Happy, Happy Friday! I'm baaack!!  I have been unable to post any of my Happy Friday v-logs lately due to some kind of glitch with Blogger, but thankfully, it has been vanquished.  So here I'm is, back on display.  Now this is an older one I recorded a while ago so you can't see my new do or nothing on this one, but it's still me. 

Any ole way . . . this post has been a prevalent issue in my life lately.  It's all about acknowledgment.  Acknowledging who we are and all the good there is to us.  I know for many of us, we are taught how to not see ourselves clearly.  When we were young, we weren't taught to love ourselves, praise ourselves, celebrate ourselves.  We were taught it's selfish to do that.  But let us do something "wrong" and oh we were taught to make sure the world stopped so that everyone could know what we did.  And that just taught us to treat ourselves the same way.  But for me, it's been a constant struggle.  I have a huge tendency to see myself in the lack category.  I don't see all the accomplishments I have under my belt, all the good things about me.  I tend to see all that I am not, and could be (but not quite yet).  It's a terrible habit I'm working oh so hard to break, and every day, I encounter someone or some situation that brings my attention to it.  Most recently, I have found myself attracted to a man.  *Gasp!*  I know, it's been almost 4 years since one has been able to turn my eye and yet here it is.  And there are some things I want to do differently this time around.  (I'll post more about this in detail on Monday). But knowing that, I know that means I can't go forward doing the same thing.  I attracted men who didn't acknowledge all of my greatness because I wasn't acknowledging it.  And I don't want that anymore.  It doesn't serve me at all now.

But again, any ole' way, that's not entirely the point.  That was just one example.  This thing here is for me and all about me (as it should be).  There are other examples of how this issue has been showing up in my life, but that one just caught me most off guard.  So what about you?  Do you have problems acknowledging your good?  Do you see yourself for who you really are?  Or do you just acknowledge your shortcomings like so many others?  If so, I challenge you to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and start to see the good that I bet so many others already see.  Now go out and enjoy your weekend!

We are People, But Who Taught Us How to Be?

*So I went to Oprah's Lifeclass on Monday and got some deliciously wonderful nuggets of wisdom from it!  I'm going to write a post about each nugget.  However, I won't go into great details about the show so as not to spoil it for anyone who wants to watch the episode when it airs*

I had a fantastic time attending the live taping of Oprah’s Lifeclass with both Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant at Harpo Studios!  It was such an amazing experience.  Both of these women are so full of love and wisdom, and they both have an amazing gift of being present with people when they speak.  It was just a joy to be a present and watch them do what they do so well.  The topic of the show was Family Secrets.  There were so many courageous guests who opened themselves to share with the world their secrets and the effects on their lives.  Both Oprah and Iyanla listened intently, and gracefully shared their wisdom.  And there was so much wisdom.  I forgot to take pictures because I was so busy typing everything they were saying! 

At one point during the show, after speaking with one of the guests, Iyanla said something that made so much sense to me.  She said:  We are people.  Before we are anything else, we are people.  But nobody teaches us how to be just people.  We’re simply taught how to act in public.  We’re taught how to be lawyers, doctors, polite, basically everything but people.  And you know what?  I think she’s right.  When I think about my own upbringing, I was talked at quite a bit about proper behavior--how and what to do, the appropriate times to do such things, and especially about what not to do--but rarely was I talked with about my feelings, who I was, and who I wanted to be.  My dad tried his best to get me to see life as such, but his approach greatly diminished his efforts.  But Iyanla’s statement made sense to me because before we are anything else, we are people.  We are human beings, no human doings.  Yet we get so wrapped up in the doing that it interferes with our entire being.  I firmly believe that we are born with all the knowledge that we need to navigate through life.  As we age (notice I didn’t say grow), we are conditioned so that we forget all that we know and then; only if we recognize our faulty conditioning; do we then begin the process of reconditioning ourselves.  The conditioning we receive usually seems to come from a place of how who and where we currently are not good enough.  And I think this is where that disconnect occurs for the human race.  We are constantly in search of things to make us better and good enough so that we can be acceptable, failing to realize that we must first accept ourselves.

I see this mindset playing out with my ex husband.  He came over the other day to discuss his concerns with our daughter.  Now one of the issues that I take with him is that very rarely, if ever, does he want to speak with me about what he sees are good things in our child.  It’s usually about how she is lacking in some area.  I have watched my daughter and gotten to know her as she is and decided it is best that she attend a Montessori school.  The first school she was sent to didn’t suit her at all, so she was transferred to another one.  This particular school and the teacher have helped her tremendously.  The teacher really understands her and that is extremely important for my daughter.  She is highly emotional.  Everything she does stem from her emotional state.  However, I don’t think her father understands that.  He would prefer that she attend Kindergarten at a public school and I don’t think she’s quite ready.  Her teacher has shared the same sentiment.  My belief is that at this time, our daughter is not emotionally mature enough to attend public school where she will have to contend in a class with at least 25 other children, and the teacher would not be able to contend with her.  His stance is that he doesn’t feel that the current school will prepare her for, and I do quote, “the rigors of first grade”.  When I asked him what he was expecting of her as she is going to Kindergarten, he stated, (and again I quote) “She should be killing the game.”  Now I’m not really sure what that means, and since I didn’t get any explanation from him as to what that means, I’m left to infer.  In my opinion, he has some rather high and unrealistic expectations of our 5 year-old.  When I stated that she has learned arithmetic, geography, the solar system, reading and writing at the school, as well as achieved help with her social interactions, his response is that those are the things that we have helped her learn so she should know them.    

Now this is where the disconnect exists between he and I.  He has always been one who values intellect, status, and appearances, whereas I have always been one who doesn’t really care about those things.  He values having degrees, and titles.  I think that having degrees are great accomplishments (Hell, I have 2), but they don’t’ tell me anything about you as a person, and I’m much more interested in who you are.   And I’m not saying either one of us are right or wrong.  It’s just who we are.  I work very hard to respect his opinion  (and I do work hard at it because I know my personal feelings), I know that ultimately, I have to look past both he and I and focus on our daughter.  I definitely don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling as if she has to constantly do and achieve to finally be “Somebody”.  As our discussion grew increasingly heated, Iyanla’s words echoed in my ears.  I thought this is exactly what she was talking about!  While I fully trust and believe that his intentions are coming from a place of love, I also believe that he is operating from his own personal space of lack of good enough-ness.  In my ex’s mind, our daughter will only be great if she is better than everyone (even at the tender age of 5) because that is the same way he views himself.  His rationale is that she should be ahead of everyone because she will be 6 in October.  In his quest to want the best for her, he’s failing to see her as she is today and meet her where she is.   This in turn, makes it impossible for him to encourage her to be who she is.  In his defense, his parents probably taught him the very same way, so it’s what he knows.  I think most of us were taught this way.  Whether it was to achieve or not to achieve, we were taught to be what others deemed for us instead of the very beings we are.   I was just having this conversation with someone a few weeks ago.  There is a tremendous amount of pressure put upon children today that I don’t believe previous generations had to endure.  I was allowed to be a child. Play was deemed important for me.  Actually, I was the only kid I know who got in trouble for opting to stay in the house and read instead of going outside to play.  My dad frequently admonished me to remember to play and have fun.  He told me being smart was great, but being able to laugh at myself was even better.  He said if I focused on the fact that I was smart above all else, I would become disappointed because eventually, I’d meet someone smarter than.  If I hinged my entire self worth on my smarts, I’d naturally deem I was no longer good enough.   Man, he was really a wise man!  I wish his methodology had been better.  But I digress. 

Anyway, I think it’s so important for us to take a step back and ask ourselves, what are we here for?  I think we spend a lot of time on the doing, achieving of life only to get to the end and realize it wasn’t really that important.  When my dad died, I didn’t care that he achieved becoming the King of Comedy.  I didn't care about all the money he earned.  I cared that I had no more laughter with him, no more hugs, no more time to watch him play with my daughter.  I’m pretty sure no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d scored higher on that standardized test, or gotten a higher GPA, worked more over time on their job, made more money, bought more designer clothing, or any of the other so called things we do to make us believe we are good enough.  We are people.  That’s it and that’s all.  And honestly, we don’t need to be anything more.  But then again, who am I, save for a mere person?

Just a Few Questions

*So I wrote this blog on Sunday to post on yesterday. But in my haste and excitement, I forgot to post it. Since I'm working on my post about my Oprah's Lifeclass experience now, I'll just let you read this one today*

I am so super duper excited! This is turning out to be an excellent week already!  Yesterday, I went to one of my favorite metaphysical stores and had my aura photographed.  It was such a cool experience.  You place your hand on a measuring device and that device reads you.  The reading device is hooked up to a computer and it is able to show you your entire aura—chakras, and all.  It was such an interesting experience, and I learned a lot.  I’m looking forward to doing some more work and going back in a few months to see the difference.  Now today I’m on my way to Harpo studios to attend a live taping of Oprah’s Lifeclass!  I am expecting to walk away a changed woman, meaning I will learn something new, gain a new perspective, release some stuff, meet some new folks, and just have a grand ole time!  I can’t wait. 

So since I’m so excited, I don’t really have anything pressing on my mind.  I haven’t really been over thinking lately, as I’ve been too busy staying present in the moment and enjoying myself.  However, there are just some things that always stay on my mind.  As Arsenio Hall used to say, there are just some things that make me go hmmm….  I don’t really have an answer to them, some of them are things that make my ass itch, others are just casual observations, and some of them are just the result of me over thinking a wee bit too much.  But here’s a list of questions that swirl around my mind from time to time.

1.     Why are people so threatened/afraid/hurt by the truth?

2.     Why do people love comparing everything? (Who’s the best singer? Who’s prettier?  Who’s the richest?  Why can’t you be like____?)

3.     Why do people fear falling in every instance, except in love? Falling is considered to be a thing to avoid, except in Love. Why do you want to fall in love? Don’t you just want to consciously choose to walk into it?

4.     In the movies, why are the bottoms of white people’s feet so damn dirty? (that has bothered me for quite a while)

5.     Who decided that green would be the color of envy?

6.     Why do men like sending pictures of their peen to women they barely know?

7.     Why is it so easy for people to mistreat the ones who truly love them?

8.     How is it that some women still believe a baby will keep a man?

9.     In the movie Friday, why did Craig and Smokey scramble for $200?  Smokey had $100 so all they needed was another $100.  And while I’m at it, why didn’t Craig have any money?  He’d just gotten his paycheck the day before, and he lived with his parents, didn’t appear to have a vehicle, so what bills did he have?  (I know I was over thinking on that one, but that’s bothered me since I first saw it.  If I ever meet DJ Pooh or Ice Cube, I’m asking that one)

10. Speaking of movies, whatever happened to Bobby, who was the original lead singer of the Five Heartbeats? (First thing I’ll ask Robert Townsend if/when I meet him)

11. Why does fear seem to be a stronger motivator than Love?

12. Why isn’t common sense so common?

13. In Scooby Doo, why were Shaggy and Scooby always so scared?  Seriously, they solved a mystery every episode and saw that it was always a mere mortal just trying to scare people so why were they always acting as if they didn’t know this?  (Yeah, that one is another over thinker!)

14. Why is it so hard for people to simply agree to disagree?

15. Why do hurt people hurt people?  I mean, if you know what it feels like, why do you want to inflict that pain on someone else?

16. In Love Jones, how could Nina possibly think it was a good idea to go out with Darius’ friend, Wood?  Seriously, when is it ever a good idea to go out with your man’s friend?

17. Why is it so damn funny to witness someone falling?

18. Will people ever realize that it doesn’t really take that much to be happy?

19. Why don’t some family members of the contestants on American Idol tell these people that they can’t sing?

20. Why do people love to act as if they can speak for God by telling you what God likes/doesn't like?  And why do they feel the need to say what the Bible says when they know good and well that they haven't cracked that book open and if they have, they haven't bothered to actually study it (and by study I mean to take into account language and cultural implications)?  

21. And why, why, why won’t these boys pull their pants up?!  How is it even comfortable to walk with your pants at your knees?!  Seriously!!

So there you have it.  These are just some of the thoughts that swirl around my mind from time to time.  And please understand that when I say people I am not speaking of everyone.  I just mean the folks it applies to.  So as my Daddy used to say, "If it don't apply, let it fly."  If you have any theories or answers, feel free to share them. I’d actually quite enjoy that.  And do you have any random questions that swirl around your mind from time to time.  If so, what are they?  Inquiring minds wouldn’t mind knowing at all.  I’ll let you know about my Lifeclass experience tomorrow. 

Guess This Means I'm a Daddy's Girl

Time really waits for no man.  I’ve experienced a few moments in my life where it felt as if time stood still.  I’ve even lived in a way where I was simply being still. But the thing is, time kept on ticking.  Today is a day that lets me know just how true that is.  Today is the fourth year anniversary of my dad’s death.  I can hardly believe it’s been four years.  Depending on the perspective, four years can seem like a long time or a mere passing phase.  For me, these four years seems like an eternity.  My secret fear has been living in this world without my dad longer than I lived with him.  I guess when I’m 61; I’ll be able to know what that feels like.  I imagine that I will probably feel as I do today.  While I’m grateful for all the years, the lessons, the laughs, the fights, the memories, and all the moments I had with him, I miss my Dad terribly.  There are days where I feel so overwhelmed and all I want is to hear his voice telling me what to do.  And I want that even though I know that when he was here, I wouldn’t have dared “burdened” him with my troubles, and it would have chapped my ever loving hide to have him tell me what to do anyway.  But now those are the things I miss.

When I was 21, my dad and I were really in a combative phase.  If he said left, I was going right.  If he said dip, I slid.  I just wanted to prove him wrong.  We had a huge blowup one day when he came to New Orleans for the Kings of Comedy Tour.  I was livid and I laid into him like I never had before.  All the fear I once had was replaced with anger and I let it loose.  After I was done, I felt fine and I didn’t hesitate to tell him that I was now done with the issue and to go have a great show.  I walked away and an instant later I realized that I was so much like him.  Talk about an epiphany!  But I didn’t like it one bit.  I made it my mission to prove just how unlike him I could be, and I epically failed.  It wasn’t until he passed that I truly made peace with how alike we were.  I recognize that fighting against who I was made my journey more difficult than it possibly could have been had I just accepted myself.  But that’s what we’re here for.  We live and we learn. 

There are so many things I miss about my dad.  Even though I’m in a space where I can smile more than I cry, I miss him everyday.   I miss his smile.  I miss his laughter.  I miss his eyes.  I miss his hands.  Our hands are the same.  It still can be difficult to look into a mirror because when I look, all I see is my dad.  I wonder how my daughter would be if he were here.  She’s so much like him.  That strong masculine energy just radiates from within.  Whenever she says something that has me speechless or in fits of laughter, he’s the first person I want to call.  But I can’t.  So I just talk aloud to him as if he’s here.  Most days it’s comforting.  But on today, it’s just not enough. 

I remember feeling so alone when my dad died.  There was no one who I felt understood my pain or even cared for that matter.  It was very hard for me because of all the people that were around who claimed to love my dad, very few of them even asked me if I was ok—my own mother didn’t bother to comfort me.  I took that really hard.  My thinking was how can you claim to have loved him, and here I am, his flesh and blood, his heart, and for that matter his legacy, and you just ignore me.  Like I said, I took it way personally.  Today I am in a different space.  I hold no ill feelings toward anyone.  I recognize that grief hits people in different ways.  I’m not sure if it was just too hard (or maybe still is) for most to be near me because seeing me is a reminder of him.  Or maybe it’s because I’m so much like him they assume that I’m fine.  Whatever it is, we’re all human, and everybody was navigating through grief’s murky waters just trying to come out with some sense of normalcy. 

I went through a terrible depression.  I didn’t want to live.  I had a suicide plan.  My first plan was to go to the basement in my parent’s home, grab one of his guns and just blow my brains out.  I came close one night.  I was in the basement crying and I walked into the room where his guns were, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I thought that would be cruel to have my mother find me that way.  So my next plan was to take my daughter to daycare, and just drive onto Interstate 57 and drive onto the Southbound traffic (which would be driving opposite me) and just get taken out by how ever many drivers would get to me.  I almost did that one too.  But as soon as I got on, I thought of Jasmine so I just kept driving.  After that I simply prayed for death.  I would wake up feeling so defeated that I actually was able to wake up.  Besides my daughter, I couldn’t find one thing about life to bring comfort or gratitude. 

For a while I was angry.  I was angry with God.  How could you take my father away at a time like this?  (As if there is really a “good” time for death to strike).  I was especially angry as old people.  Upon seeing an older gentleman with his family, I’d be immediately pissed off.  My first thoughts were why does this old bastard get to live and my dad didn’t?  I was mad at some relatives too.  I felt like they were useless so I questioned why were they allowed to stay here while my dad wasn’t.  I was angry with grandfathers.  Why did my baby have to grow up without hers?  It wasn’t fair and I was madder than any analogy I could ever come up with about it. 

It’s said that time heals all wounds and I realize today that it isn’t true.  What you do in that time leads to healing.  I could be stuck in that very space.  I could still be angry, depressed and suffering.  I could still be in a place where I couldn’t recognize the blessing I experienced by having my dad for 30 years.  I could have carried out my suicide plan and my daughter could be motherless. But I didn’t.  And I can’t take the credit for it.  God had something else in mind.  Even though the people I expected to support me didn’t, He/She sent other people.  My friends rallied around me.   My daughter was my motivation to keep going.   I found a wonderful counselor who helped me through my grief.  I even met some new friends who have shown me love and acceptance, as I never knew before. It was not all for naught.  It was for a reason.  I am blessed by all of it.  And even though some things change, some things remain the same.  My dad is still my compass.  I still look to him to get me through things.  How could I not?  He started the theme song to my life.  The song may not be the same, but the melody plays in harmony with his.   And I still hope and pray for the same thing when he sees me.  I pray that I make you proud Daddy because I’m so proud of you.