Now I Told You So . . . Didn't I?

So once upon a time, there was a young girl named Je’Niece and she was just in love with all things entertainment—especially celebrity news & gossip.  If you wanted to know the scoop, all you had to do was ask Je’Niece because she would know it and happily tell it to you.  Then, that young girl grew up and she started caring more about her own life than that of anyone else—least of all a celebrity.  So why did I just regale you with this not so fairy fairy tale, you ask?  Oh that’s simple.  I did it because I’m about to totally contradict myself with the topic of this post.  See how I did that there? : )

So anywhoo, I was perusing the Internet last week when I happened across an article about R & B superstar Usher’s custody trial.  According to the report, Usher broke down crying on the stand when he was cross examined by ex wife’s Tameka Raymond’s lawyer regarding his drug use.  While I actually have an opinion about this trial, that isn’t the point to today’s post.  So, as if reading the entire article wasn’t enough of a contradiction for me, I went ahead and read a lot of the comments left by every day readers—something I learned to stop doing midway through my dad’s career.  But I don’t know, something got a hold of me and I did it.  What struck me as odd was that the overwhelming majority of comments weren’t saying anything remotely compassionate.  Most of the commenters said things like “I bet he wished he’d listened to his mama.” Or “His mama should slap the both of them and say ‘I told you so’!” 

I really never understood why people love to say I told you so.  Do you just want to make the person feel even worse than they already do?  Is your desire to be right that intense?  I mean seriously, what do you plan to accomplish by telling someone this?  It’s not as if this is going to change anything that has already happened.  And so what if you told them?!  We learn not by hearing, but by doing.  Experience is the only way that we really learn our lessons, which is why I’ve always been baffled by the fact that we human beings seem to become so bothered by another human being’s experience.  While I can understand not wanting someone you love to cause themselves to suffer, I cannot understand why we get so wrapped up in the affairs of others.  Perhaps it is because I was raised by parents who loved to tell me “I told you so”, once I failed to do something they told me to.  Perhaps it’s because I know I’m stubborn and I tend to do the opposite of what someone tells me to.  Or maybe it’s just because I don’t think saying those words offer any compassion at all.  But I believe saying I told you so is one of the worst things you can say to a person—especially in a situation like Usher’s.  The man is already fighting for custody of his two children, he’s so distraught that he’s breaking down on the stand, so the last thing he needs is to get kicked by his mom when he’s clearly already down.   

I remember a few days after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the south and the levees broke in New Orleans, my dad urged me to go to my then husband and give a pompous I told you so, because my ex wanted us to remain in New Orleans after we agreed that we would leave a year after our wedding.  My father’s logic was that if my then husband had it his way, we would have been living in New Orleans and we would have suffered because of the levees breaking.  I thought that was completely asinine and I had no problem telling my father so.  First of all, there was a much larger issue at stake, and that was the many people in the south who were so devastatingly affected by the hurricane.  Secondly, we were fine.  We were living in our home in Illinois, and we were not affected physically by the hurricane.  I saw no point whatsoever in saying I told you so, other than to start a very unnecessary fight with my husband. 

I know there are some people that get a kick out of saying that to others, and I know it can be really tempting to want to say them, but you have to ask yourself some questions before you do.  What’s my purpose?  Do you just want to be right?  Do you just want to feel superior?  Are you trying to make the person feel better or worse?  How would I feel if the tables were turned?  We’ve all heard it said before, but until you walk a mile in someone’s shoes, you don’t really know what their motivation is for doing what they do.  So, why not try to put yourself in their shoes before you go parading your all knowing-ness around?  Lastly, who the hell are you?  Seriously, who are you?  You’re not God.  You’re not perfect.  You have been in situations where you didn’t heed the warning given to you, so why are you taking it upon yourself to act as if you came to this world already knowing everything you know NOW?! Mmm Hmmm. . . . gives you something to think about, doesn’t it? 

So what say you?  Do you like telling people I told you so?  Do you like when it’s done to you?  If you do say it, why do you?  Do you think there’s another approach? 

Happy Friday! The Universe is Always Giving You What You Want

So Happy Friday!  Have you been waiting for today?  Are you living just enough for the city?  And if you are, my condolences.  I think it's high time that we stop living with the "I'll be happy when . . . " mentality.  And one of the most common themes of that mindset is the Thank God it's Friday mindset.  This is where you go through the motions Monday through Thursday, then get miraculously happy on Friday because it's what?  The weekend!  Now I can totally understand working hard/grinding and then getting happy when you get a break, but this is something else.  I'm talking about living under the mindset that you can't be happy on a regular basis and that your weekend is your only fun time.  You can have fun every day if that's what you really want.  You just have to really want it bad enough.  T.I. told us all and we sang along, "You can have whatever you like." The problem is that we don't really believe that.  We think that we can only have what we like sometimes, or if we work hard enough, or if we suffer enough, or if we wait long enough for it.  But what we don't realize is that when we think like that, all we're telling the Universe is that we don't want whatever it is we're saying we do want.  The Universe is more than happy to serve us up whatever we want because like Burger King, we can have it our way.  We've just got to stop focusing on all the inconsequential things that keep us from getting what we truly want.  So what do you want?  Do you want to keep living for the weekends?  Do you want everyday to feel like your Friday?  What is it that's keeping you from having it your way and what do you want to do about it? 

Do As I Say and Not as I . . . Do?

I can't afford to take for granted that I am this precious little woman's primary teacher.

So I’m watching TV Friday night, and I come across this show on the OWN network called “My Mom is Obsessed”**.  Each episode profiles two different families where the mothers are obsessed with a particular activity (partying, dating younger men, bodybuilding, plastic surgery, shopping, etc.) to the point where they are neglecting their children.  I watched two episodes and vowed I can never watch another one.  I will seriously work myself into cardiac arrest if I continue to watch this foolery.  One mother had two young daughters at home but was so obsessed with going out that she made the oldest (who was only 14) take care of everything.  They have to see a therapist, so when the therapist asked the mother how she expected her daughter to take care of the home, her younger sister, AND go to school, the mother replied, “They’re both home schooled.” As if that made her daughter’s load easier.  This must have been news to the therapist who responded by asking “Oh really, by whom?” to which the mom responded, “Oh they’re both self taught.”  O__O Oh really?!  How and where dey do dat at?!  I’m usually really good at being able o extend sympathy to others, but in the case of these women, I just have an extremely hard time doing just that.  I’m still trying to figure out where in DE HAYLE the OWN network found all these fools!  

Look, all judgment aside, I understand how difficult the job of motherhood is.  I am a proud Mommy (to a beautiful little girl).  If you know me, you know she is the love of my life.  If you just meet me, it won't be hard for you to figure that out.  I read a quote a few years back from Lady O herself, Oprah Winfrey, regarding motherhood.  She states “I believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.”  Now that I’m a mother, I can say with complete certainty that I agree with that statement.  I always tell people that becoming a mother has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.  First of all, the magic and beauty that one experiences when carrying a child is just indescribable.  And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all a bed of roses (trust me, having morning sickness throughout my entire first trimester was certainly no cakewalk), but I remained in awe of what was going on with me in bringing my baby into the world.  Secondly, my daughter forced me into early retirement.  Thanks to her, I retired the cape and S on my chest that I so proudly wore--and without even realizing I had been wearing it for so long.  I recognized very early on that I was a vessel, which brought forth another human being into the world.  A human being with her own personality set of likes and dislikes, and her very own destiny to fulfill.  I’m really glad that I recognized that early on because I haven’t had the control issues that I experienced (and still do) with the adults in my life.  And because I understand that my job is to be a spiritual teacher to her,

I really do take my role as a mother very seriously.  I understand that a lot of who my daughter becomes can possibly be traced back to me.  Whether she wants to be or not, she may become a lot like me.  It is my intent to be as transparent and honest as possible with my daughter.  The old adage of “Do as I say not what I do” that so many who walked before me subscribed to will not work for me and my house.  I don’t want to give my daughter the false impression that I’m infallible simply because I happened to arrive on this plane before she did.  I’m human and I make mistakes and I’m more than ok with that.  And more than that, I want her to be ok with that as well.  So can you understand why I take issue with trying to teach her simply by telling and then going out to do the complete opposite without explanation?   No offense to those who have walked that path and believe in it, but I think that’s completely hypocritical and I want to live a life of integrity—for myself and for my child.  Besides, it never works.  Ever.  All it does is make your children resent you.  Once children become of age, they begin to judge the adults in their life anyway.  So I may as well walk with integrity before my child to lessen the judgment.  

Here’s a prime example of why this method fails to work.  It happened within my own family.  A certain adult in my family who was once extremely well regarded went through a really difficult time.  Let’s call her Marsha*.  Everyone was extremely sympathetic to her during that time because we could only imagine what she must have been going through.  However, in her grief, she began to go a little to the left.  She started carrying on with a very close friend of the family who also happened to be married (We were all close to his entire family.  We’d gathered at their home and vice versa, watched their children grow up, the whole shebang).  I’ll spare all the details, but needless to say that she got more than a bit carried away and her fling or whatever it was became quite noticeable.  It even became noticeable to a young lady in our family—her godchild to be exact.  At the time, the young lady, who we’ll call Meagan*, was about 16 years old.  She’d witnessed some flirtatious energy going on between the two of them and later came to me and asked quite casually at that, ‘Hey what’s going on with Auntie Marsha and Richard?” I should also mention that quite a few other people on several separate occasions also asked me what was going on because as I said, things were becoming evident.  Now I didn’t tell Meagan anything at all.  However, I did call up Marsha and tell her she needed to watch herself because things were getting obvious to folks.  I didn’t mention names, but I tried to lovingly warn her.  My thinking was that if people—even a 16 year-old--were starting to notice, Richard’s wife was probably noticing things as well.  So, Marsha went on a rampage and through a little bit of deductive reasoning, concluded that Meagan must have been a person who said something.  She then proceeded to call her godchild and curse her out.  She said several things, amongst those were “I’m a grown @$$ woman and you have not business talking about me and what I do.”  Now, some of you probably agree with that, but here’s where I felt Marsha lost her credibility.  First of all, Marsha threw out quite a few names with me, yet her goddaughter was the only person she bothered to call and confront.  Secondly, had she not been carrying on with dude on the phone in front of Meagan, it wouldn’t have been noticeable to her.  And finally, I recalled Marsha telling me about a similar experience she had when she was that age.  At 16, she found out her mom was cheating on her dad.  According to her story, she didn’t speak to her mom for over a month.  When I relayed that to Marsha, her response was “But this is different.  I’m not her mother!”  Now some of you are probably still in agreement, but here is where I felt Marsha lost credibility.  Marsha has a thing for her nieces, nephews or any other child she’s close to telling her that she’s not their mother.  I’ve witnessed her firsthand threaten to end lives for that because as she has declared, “I’m the next best thing to your mother!” So in my humble opinion, it was completely hypocritical on her part.  And to add further salt to her wound, just a year before, Marsha roasted a young Meagan for liking and contemplating dating a boy who she knew had a girlfriend. Marsha went on and on about how disrespectful that would be and the dangers of being a sidepiece.  So you can only imagine how a young Meagan felt not only by learning that Marsha was engaging in something even more extreme just a short while later, AND that it was with a close family friend whom we all knew. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I completely understand that Marsha was acting out of guilt.  But the issue that I saw happening was that she’d lost the trust of her godchild.  To this day, the relationship is not the same.  Meagan doesn’t respect her nor does she trust her.  Marsha never admitted her fault before anyone and she never actually apologized for at least cursing out Meagan.  I think too often, adults tend to allow their pride to interfere with their relationships with the children in their lives.  I’m all for respecting your elders, but children are not some brainless drones we bring into the world without any knowledge whatsoever.  Yet, it seems that sometimes adults tend to think that children don’t have a right to possess any knowing of their own.  And that’s just not how I want to treat my daughter.  I want her to trust herself and I recognize that I play a huge part in that.  If I undermine her simply because she happens to catch on the not so secret secret that I’m a mere mortal, what good can really come of it? 

The most beautiful thing I have recognized through my journey in motherhood is that my daughter is a beautiful conduit for my life’s lessons.  I have learned so much about life and myself just by raising this precious, beautiful little woman.  She’s only y 5 years old, and my lessons have been many.  In my oh so humble opinion, the best mothers (parents, guardians, god mothers/fathers, aunts, uncles, etc.) are the ones who understand that there is just as much that their child can teach them as they can teach the child (sometimes more).  I think teaching from the “I am the adult so I’m better/smarter/greater than you” mindset is just a mask of insecurity.  You’re using the child to make you feel better about yourself and that only creates feelings of insecurity in the child, thereby perpetuating that lineage of dysfunctional thinking and behavior.  So what say you?  Do you still believe in the do as I say, not as I do framework?  Or do you believe in something else?  Why or why not?  

*By the way, in case you hadn't realized, names have been changed to protect the innocent, but more so the guilty* 

**My Mom is Obsessed airs on OWN Friday nights 9/8c**

Are You Leading With Love?

So yay for me for being consistent and posting another Happy Friday v-log!  I am really committed to doing what I tell myself I'll do.  All things beyond my control aside, I want to live honorably and one component to honorable living is honoring not just your words, but your dreams and goals as well.  While I believe this v-log speaks for itself, it is really just a dream of mine that there is peace in the world.  No I'm not getting ready for a pageant, and yes I know it sounds so cliché; but it's (as the muses from Disney's Hercules would say) is the Gospel Truth!  It really is a hope of mine that peace expands to a global level.  But the only way for that to happen is if we all individually start loving--first ourselves and then one another.  Love is the main ingredient for peace.  And I just don't see us loving ourselves.  We love ideas, things, concepts, and stereotypes, but we're not loving ourselves.  And as RuPaul always says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?!"  So I hope you enjoy.  I hope you're loving and being loved, and if not, I hope you're at least inspired to begin.

Much Love!

If You're Sexy and You Know it

A great figure or physique is nice, but it's self-confidence that makes someone really sexy.

Vivica Fox

 So I have a confession to make.  In my 34 years on this earth, I have never—I mean ever, felt beautiful.  And it doesn’t stop there.  I have never felt even remotely sexy either.  Kind of tragic, isn’t it?  Sure I’ve looked at myself and thought:   “I look cute today.", but I have never really felt beautiful or sexy.  Now the beautiful (no pun intended) thing is that this obvious, yet tragic malfunction of my brain does not really affect my mind.  I feel like beauty radiates from within and I do believe I have a beautiful soul.  But the sexy part?  Yeah I have to admit that bothers me.  See, I have always wanted to be one of those vixen-esque type of women.  You know the ones.  The women who are just so sexy that it literally oozes from their entire being.  They don’t have to utter a word.  They simply enter a room, stand, or wake up for that matter, and everyone within a 20-mile radius is in awe of how sexy they are.  Women like this:

 She just seems like some kind of siren capable of making any man succumb to her feminine wiles

Or this:

Not only was Kellita one of the sexiest TV moms ever, she's actually like that in real life. 

And this: 

 Like seriously?  Look at this woman.  She just looks like she wakes up like this!

And let's not forget this one:

 She may not be bad, but she was sure drawn that way!

And finally this:

Can you really get any more sexy than Sophia Vergara?

And don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that all of these women have the help of excellent make up artists, hair stylists, clothing designers, and for the sake of these pictures, even some great graphic artists and photographers to photo shop them to sexy perfection, but that’s not my point.  My desire is not so much to look like them, but to possess that innate sex-ay quality that they seemingly do.  And in the words of the great crooner himself, Luther (Big Luther as Cedric the Entertainer would say) if only for one night, I’d like to know what it feels like to be sexy.  And who knows, maybe none of the aforementioned women feel sexy themselves.  Maybe they have insecurities just like the rest of us.  But then again, maybe they don’t.  But again, that’s not my point.  My point is that I need to channel my inner vixen.  It has always been one of my fears that I would focus too much on my insecurities, get old, then look back and realize how beautiful I am.   It has actually happened to a small degree already.  My self-esteem during my teenage years and early 20s was at an all time low.  And when I look at those pictures today I wonder what the heck was wrong with me!  I was a hot chick and didn’t even know it.  And that, in my humble opinion, is a damn shame. 

I’d really like my poor self-image concept to end and very soon while it's at it.  So I’m taking steps to get over myself and learn how to be sexy.  And one of my best teachers is none other than my 5-year-old daughter.  Now before you go charging to comment and call me all kinds of the ever so unfit parent, let me ‘splain myself here.  I’m not telling her she’s sexy or forcing her into any kind of inappropriate-ness (yes I just made that up).  I’m not in the running to be a Toddlers & Tiaras mama.  Not at all.  When I say this, I mean that my daughter seems to possess the required level of confidence required to be deemed sexy.  And just so we’re clear, I’m not one of those people who believe that sexiness has anything to do with sex.  While of course I know the word sex is contained in the word, I don’t believe sex is what it boils down to.  I think sexiness is a state of being.  It’s in the way a person walks, stands, talks, looks, hell sometimes just breathes.  At the tender age of 5, my daughter is well aware of her feminine wiles and how to use them—especially against the opposite sex.  My daughter is confident in herself and honestly, isn’t that a huge part of what sexiness is?  You should see her when she’s confronted with a member of the opposite sex.  She tilts her head just so, stands a little more on one leg, raises the pitch of her voice just so, and plays extremely coy just so she can get what she wants.  And I maintain that she just came here that way cause she for sure didn’t learn that from her mama!  Her mama is completely clueless and just too damn direct to even know how to attempt to do that.  But I’ll be John Brown if it doesn’t work for her.  Now I’m well aware that it works because she’s so stinking cute (and yes I say so myself!) and she’s a kid.  But the premise behind what she does works for us grown little girls as well.  I’ve seen other women employ the same techniques almost effortlessly.  And it befuddles me as to how they do it.  But she’s so aware of when to turn it on and off.  She will never attempt to talk to a woman in the same manner that she does with a man.  But she does let them know that she believes she's the stuff.  If someone compliments her by telling her she's cute, she responds with "Why yes I am".  Meanwhile, when I receive a compliment, I'm trying to remember to say thank you because I'm in shock that they're talking about me.  And while I encourage her to maintain her self worth and positive self image, I'm writing down notes so I can study later and be just like her when I grow up.  But I still maintain that my child has been here before and it’s just par for her course.  

I realize that this may come across as extremely superficial to some.  And it’s not that I’m speaking in a superficial sense.  I just think that since I’m here on this earth, living this life I’ve got, I may as well enjoy myself.  I would like to take advantage of the full experience.  I don’t want to use my powers for evil, just want to know what it would feel like so I can say it’s been done.  I guess the main hindrance to my sexy effervescence is my lack of confidence.  I’ve got to believe I’m sexy if I expect to be seen as sexy.  And maybe I don’t even need to do that.  Maybe there are people out there who see me and think I am sexy.  And by all means, if you’re one of those individuals out there, let me know what you exactly it is that you see.  Hopefully I can start seeing it for myself.  I’m all about learning. 

Anywhoo, what say you?  Do you feel or know you’re sexy?  What exactly is sexy to you? Who do you think is sexy?  And if you don’t feel sexy, why the heck not and what are you prepared to do about it?

To Tell the Truth

Happy Friday!  I have been soooo lax in my blogging and vlogging lately.  I threw my back out two weeks ago . . . and notice I said I threw my back out not that I had my back blown out--HUGE difference! And while I'd love to tell you I was doing something extra fun when it happened, I cannot tell a lie--especially since that's the subject for today.  I've just been experiencing some back problems as of late.  And even though my back hasn't been faring well,  I have been feeling really good as of lately, and I want that good feeling to travel to everyone I touch.  I can honestly say that I am living honorably and joyfully.  I know I am loved, protected, Divine, and on my way to receiving all the abundance that I deserve just because I am God's special child.  But to be honest, I've noticed that there are a lot of people who don't feel like me.  And truth be told, you probably notice them too.  Now it would be really easy to write them off, and let's be real, some of 'em you just are going to have to, but I figure why not spread my sunshine just a bit before I do. I think one of the biggest ways to inhibit yourself from feeling good and living abundantly is to not live honorably.  And one of the greatest way to live dishonorably is by not honoring and telling the truth.  I really think it's an epidemic these days.  We just don't like the truth in any kind of way.  So I just thought I'd share my two cents on the what I think about it.  Hopefully I said something that made you think, smile, laugh, and wanna pass it on.  If not, well then I love ya anyway!  *Muah*

"You can lie to others, but to lie to yourself is one of the worst things you can do."

~My Daddy!

The Questions . . . .

So I keep getting bombarded with these questions.  I mean I get them from just about everyone I encounter, whether I know them or not.  I can tell that it’s really the thing they want to know most from me, so they make small talk until they get the courage to ask.  And just so you know, they do not offend me.  I simply don’t understand the fascination behind them.  The questions I’m talking about are: “So are you dating?” “Do you think you’ll ever get married again?” “Why are you single?”  And like I said, I’m not offended at all by the questions.  I really just don’t get it.  Why the fascination with my status?  To be honest, I really don’t get the fascination with romantic relationships at all. 

Now before you go calling me a cynic or some other embittered woman name, let me clarify.  I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with romantic relationships.  I think healthy ones are great.  What I just don’t understand is why so many people spend their entire lives allowing one type of relationship to reign supreme, and why a woman who either isn’t or doesn’t want one is such a threat.  Maybe threat is too harsh a word, but it certainly does something to people when they hear me say that I am currently not interested in dating.  And while I don’t read minds, based on the responses I receive, I don’t think they actually hear what I’m saying.  I think they hear me saying “I don’t ever want no man! Ain’t nothing a man can ever do for me!”  All while I snap my fingers in a Zorro formation and swing my neck from side to side, with my hand on my hip, making my backbone slip.  And that’s not what I’m saying at all.  What I am saying is that I am not interested in dating right now.  I like men.  I probably will eventually want to be with one, but for right now, I’m happy to be in the state I am.  Here’s what I’ve learned in my life thus far.  I’ve spent a considerable amount of time not loving myself.  I looked for someone else to tell me I was loveable and worth a damn.  And if that person happened to be of the male gender, then by Gosh as declared by him in whatever state he was in, I was truly something loveable.  That is . . . until I stopped doing whatever he wanted and then I became something else.  I married very early in my life.  I was 24 years old.  Four years later, I gave birth to our child.  And during the entire nine years we were together, I was miserable.  And I was miserable because I wasn’t being true to myself and I kept looking for him to make me feel better about myself.  And I suspect that he kept doing the same.  So now that I find myself single, I’m happy about it.  It’s the first time in my adult life that I can focus on me—figure myself out and love it all—without having to think about someone else.  (Well as long as you don’t count my daughter, but that’s different!).  So I’m enjoying getting to know me and fall in love with myself. 

I also now know that you can only attract who and what you are.  So I got some ‘splaining to do with myself before I attract the guy I want for me into my life.  I’ve got some T’s to cross and some I’s to dot before I even consider bringing another into my equation.  And since I’ve spent so much time talking, I’ll go ahead and answer the questions for you.  No I am not dating.  I’m not sure I’ll ever get married again, but I know that should I consider it, he’ll be one helluva man!  And he’ll understand that simply because we’ve said those three words everybody longs to hear;  “I love you” for you challenged ones; that now we possess one another.  In my opinion, love does not possess, but frees.  So the man who gets me will be a man who understands that I am and will continue to be exactly who I was when he met me and that loving him will not make me his possessed item, but just the woman he happens to love.  But until I meet him, I’m happy to be in a relationship with me.  It’s going really great and we’re both really happy.  And happy people attract more happy people so I’d say things look really promising.  And in the words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”