What Can I Say to You?

What I see today when I look at this girl is completely different than what I saw back  then.  How delicious it would have been if those eyes could have seen what I see.

I’m approaching my 34^th birthday this week.  I really don’t feel any way about it except grateful.  Perhaps a little bittersweet as I definitely wish my father were still here to witness me reach another year, as I think he’d be very pleased with present day Je’Niece.  But honestly, I’m not one of those women who’s intimidated by growing older.  I consider it a privilege.  And to be honest, I’m quite proud of who I am today. I feel the best I have ever felt in my life.  I am physically fit. I am definitely spiritually enlightened, and most of all, I think I have finally come to love myself.  I’ve always kept a journal and I’ve been going over my journals and I feel good about how far I’ve come.  I especially feel this good when I look at my ex husband, as just looking at him makes me think “Damn girl you were in a bad way huh?” and makes me want to create a time machine just to go back in time to give myself a much needed hug.  But I digress.  Anyway, I must admit, I do feel somewhat saddened by my younger self.  I know that we are all at every moment doing the best that we can so I’m not judging my younger self—not by a long shot.  But I have wondered what I would say to my younger self if I could go back in time and have a conversation with her.  I’ve actually thought about this and here are some of the things I think I’d say (in no particular order)

1.     I love you.  ‘Nuff said

2.     Stop being a perfectionist.  It’s just a sign of your fear.

3.     Since we’re talking about fear, let me just tell you that you’ll waste more of your life in fear than you will spend really living it if you don’t get out of your head.  And really, Roosevelt was right when he said there’s nothing to fear but fear itself.

4.     `Stop worrying about what other people have to say about you.  All the people who are saying you’re spoiled, etc. are really only saying they wish they had what you do

5.     Trust yourself.  You’re wiser than you recognize

6.     When you have your daughter, you will want to line up your momma, grandmamma aunts and all the women who walked before you and slap the sh*t outta all of them for never telling you the real deal about what motherhood brings

7.     In spite of what your dad instilled in you, it is entirely ok to change your mind.

8.     You will not be a failure for marrying a man you knew you wouldn’t have a good marriage with.  You were simply operating in fear, and once you know better, you will do better.

9.     You are beautiful.  If you don’t believe me, go look in a mirror and don’t walk away until you see your own beauty.

10.  The day is coming when you will question everything you have ever come to believe in.

11.  I know you won’t like this, but you should listen to your dad more often.  He really is right about a lot of things.

12. Stop worrying so much.  Everything works out exactly as it needs for your own well being.

13. You know your heart is in love with the arts so don’t waste your time going to school as a Biology Pre-Med major.  You’ll hate every moment of it.

14. Boundaries are a beautiful thing! Do not be afraid to implement them in your relationships

15. You are so much greater than you recognize.  Start recognizing it.

16. Please stop looking for other people to tell you you’re worthy.  Love yourself.  Once you do, everything else will fall into place.

17. Please stop looking for other people to tell you you’re worthy.  Love yourself.  Once you do, everything else will fall into place.

18. Failure is a man made construct.  So fearing failure just doesn’t make sense.  The only true failure is never trying.

I'm sure if I sat long enough this list could grow and grow, but I think this is sufficient for now.  But since I've showed you mine, why don't you show me yours?  What would you say to your former self if the two of you were ever allowed to meet?

To ask or not to ask for help; Is there really a Question?

       

                         " Asking for help does not mean we are weak or incompetent.  
                        It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence."                                                              ~Anne Wilson Schaef

Well it’s official. 2012 is officially here.  Now I’m not sure if the predictions are correct and this will be the end of the world as we know it (whether it happens physically or spiritually), but I do know that with a new year comes the hope for new things, a renewed sense of motivation, and above all else, the resolutions. Oh yes . . . the resolutions.  Where we resolve to do the things we’ve never even tried to do before, or we vow to stop all of our bad habits, and become our bigger, better, brighter selves. I haven’t personally made a New Years resolution since I was a teenager. However, I love the way the Universe works.  It has a wonderful way of bringing the very things we need to work on to our attention. So while I didn’t exactly create a resolution, I did realize that there was something I need to work on.

Not sure how you spent your New Year’s. But I spent mine quietly and contemplatively.  I had a scheduled surgery that I can’t say I was really worried about, but I did have some concerns. I was told it was a “minimally invasive” surgery. However, my logic is anytime you’re being cut open and put under anesthesia, you are not being invaded minimally.  Thankfully, the procedure was successful and I am resting at home. But as I said, this experience made me realize that there was indeed something I need to work on.  This experience has brought a bad habit of mine to my attention; and that thing is that I need to do a better job of asking for help. 

I became aware that perhaps I might have a problem asking for help when I realized that I hadn’t specifically asked for help from anyone prior to my surgery.  I knew I would need some help recuperating, but I never asked anyone. If I relied on anyone for help, it would probably be my  best friend and god sis.  And to be honest, I actually didn’t want to rely on either.  I didn't want to rely on my bestie because she’s been dealing with her mom’s hospitalization for about a month. I didn’t want to feel like I was just another burden on her. I didn’t want to rely on my god sis because she’s young and on her winter break from school and I felt as if I was impeding her fun downtime process.  Then I just realized those were the excuses I was using so that I wouldn’t have to feel a certain way about asking for help because I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling I feel when I have to sit down and ask another human being for help.  I feel impotent and weak--as if I'm incapable.  And the reality is this time around, I really was incapable because all I could do after my surgery was lay down and sleep.  So I just realized that the ugly truth is that I hate asking for help because I hate the way it makes me feel.

Some of it is just who I am. I’m an introvert and an independent soul.  I suppose being an only child only enforced the independent streak.  I just naturally do things alone. Some of it has been ingrained in me since I was a youngster. My father constantly instilled in me that I need to have my own, stand on my own, be self sufficient, not rely on others.  And while I understand what he was trying to accomplish, and even appreciate his effort, I do wish the conditioning that has taken place had leveled off many moons ago.  I recognize now that no man is an island. And no matter how wonderful the island may be, it still needs more than a few inhabitants. 

But Je'Niece why do you find the feeling of asking for help so difficult?  My god sis asked me this when instead of asking her to bring me a bottle of water, I decided to waddle over to the water case myself and struggle to bend down to grab a bottle.  Clearly I must have looked ridiculous--seeing as how I’d just been cut on my abdomen, therefore unable to bend.  I was beyond struggling. I was in pain, yet instead of calling a flag on the play, I just kept trying to maneuver and re-maneuver myself--of course to no avail.   But did I give up? Never! I was caught, and not even red handed because my body was lame and unable to allow me to get away with the booty. After she had a deservingly hearty laugh at my expense, she asked,  “So you’d rather struggle than ask me for help?”  Wow . . . what a hummdinger of a question.  And sadly, the honest answer was yes.  As ridiculous as that sounds, it’s the truth. I would in most instances rather sink all on my own than have to ask another person for help and as I write these words, I recognize how trivial and silly that is. 

I’m still not really sure if I feel weak for having to ask for help, or if I just want to prove to myself that I’m a big girl who can do it all by myself. Either way, I need to get over myself and open my mouth. As the saying goes, “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” There is no way that I can make it in this world all by myself.  I know that even in the moments that I have felt alone, I really wasn’t operating alone. I did this to myself after my dad's passing.  I was in pain, struggling to breathe, yet I didn't open my mouth and say a word.  I struggled for air until I almost gave up my ghost and I thought I'd learned my lesson then.  I guess I gained the knowledge, but I know enough to know that the knowledge alone is not enough. Now is the time for me to prove that I do indeed know this by operating in a higher capacity. As Oprah reminds us, Maya Angelou has wisely said, “When you know better, you do better.”  It’s time for me to let go of foolish pride and ego and remember that weakness doesn’t lie in asking for help, it lies in the refusal.  If I plan to get anywhere in this life I live, I had better start opening my mouth and wisely and boldly asking for help.