Sharing in Shared Parenting

So I was wasting time that I should have been using writing enlightening myself with current urban culture and whatnot, when I came across a link to a picture of Erykah Badu’s beautiful little girl Mars.  Her father, rapper/DJ Jay Electronica, took a picture and posted it via Instagram.  Apparently, Ms. E was not too pleased with this, as it is her desire to keep her children out of the public domain because she believes that children need peace--or so I read.  So like any rational human being, she used social media and took to Twitter to tell him how she felt.  This was her exact tweet

 

Now normally, I mind my own business and don’t bother reading the dumb ass rantings of the public, but I dismissed common sense and read on through the comments.  There were people actually applauding Erykah because as the mother she has the right to tell him what to do because 1) she’s the mother 2) she’s kind enough to allow him to see his child and 3) since he’s only the father he apparently has no rights to do what he pleases with his child.  There were even people saying she was in the right because this was an issue of public safety for the child since Erykah is apparently such a huge celebrity that people would want to harm her.  Now I’m not saying that there aren’t some strange folks out there, there are tons of celebrities with way more star power than both of these parents whose children have graced the covers and inside pages of People, US Weekly, and the like and seem to manage to remain in tact and far from danger. And I'm not saying I agree or disagree with Erykah Badu.  But what I am saying is that when it comes to co-parenting, there are just some things that are not worth a battle.

Now while I understand that it is her desire to keep her children out of the public eye, if he does not share that same sentiment, she can’t exactly stop him from doing so unless she took him to court and had the courts order him to stop.  And in my opinion, that would just be a waste of time, dollars, and energy on something that could easily be solved by just putting egos aside.  Some argued that this is what happens when you have children with men who are not your husband and yeah I agree because well, as we all know, marriage is the cure for all disagreements and problems.  If you marry, you’re guaranteed a stress-free and agreeable existence with your chosen spouse.  You'll raise your children happily alongside one another with no disagreements whatsoever.  Sarcasm aside, this is an issue that could happen even if they were married.  People disagree all the time and parents disagree about their children.  However, the issue I took with this is who gets to say which parent has more right when they’re only expressing their opinion or desire as to what they believe is best? 

I get it.  It’s a sticky situation and as a woman who shares joint custody with my ex husband, I can tell you that it gets tricky when disagreements occur.  However, when it comes to something like this, I don’t believe that I have the right to tell my ex husband that he can’t show pictures of our daughter (I personally wasn’t feeling E. Badu's MY daughters reference) to whomever he pleases.  I may not like it, but again, she’s his daughter as well and he has the right to do as he pleases.  It’s similar to when we first went through our divorce.  I had girlfriends telling me I needed to dictate who he could have around Jasmine because “you don’t want him bringing all kinds of women around her”.  While I wholeheartedly agreed with this sentiment, I also knew I couldn’t dictate who he brought around our child.  I did just as Ms. Badu did and asked him not to do that.  But here’s the thing when you make a request; the person can respond with either yes or no.  Or they can do as my ex did and say yes then do the opposite when you’re not around. And again, that is totally their right.  I didn’t like it, and I wished things were different, but I thought it would have been silly to create an uproar and make things difficult simply because he wasn’t behaving as I wanted him to.  I recognized that if he continued to do that, Jasmine would decide for herself what kind of man he was and the consequences would be on him. I think far too often, we try to control things beyond our control, and we use titles like parent, boss, concerned friend, etc. to pacify ourselves and make believe that we’re only acting in the best interest of others. 

The other thing I noticed is that people really don’t have much respect for fathers.  It seems that all respect is given to the woman simply for being a mother.  The comments I read regarding E Badu highlighted this.  There were so many comments about how great of a mother Erykah is because the little girl is so cute and how Jay has no right to go against her wishes and post a picture because she’s the mother and she has custody.  So it’s like this.  We gripe and moan about the lack of fathers, yet we don’t want to give a man his due respect and allow him the absolute right he has as a father?  But let us find out he doesn’t pay child support and watch how he gets blasted.  A river doesn’t flow in two directions at the same time.  We either want men to be fathers or we don’t.  It’s really unfair.  And we women have to step back and trust the men we procreated with to be the fathers they are stepping up to be.  We have to remember that we are only parents to the child, not the father of our child.   Now it's an entirely different issue if you really believe he is endangering the child.  However, when it’s a simple matter of the two of you disagreeing on a topic, we women have to get over ourselves and stop giving the man a hard time about a child who is here in part due to him. 

And again, I get it.  Look I have a lot of strong opinions about my ex—some of which are not positive.  However, the one thing I am very aware of is that he is my daughter’s father.  That means, regardless of how I feel about him, what I think about him, what I wish, he is an important person to my daughter.  I have no right to interfere with his relationship with her.  I have no right to make him parent the way I want him to.  As long as he is not harming our daughter, I don't have a legitimate reason to create issues with him.  Again, I can have discussions with him regarding my desires for our child.  I can make requests, but he can also respond with no.  In which case, I have to get over myself and let it go.  And as I said, we don’t always agree.  As a matter of fact, we had a huge disagreement over what school she would attend this year.  I heard him out, gave him the opportunity to visit the schools I picked, yet we still disagreed.  In the end, it was my decision that he had to respect.  I chose to do what I felt was best for our daughter, but I did not go against him to spite him.  I did not tell him his opinion doesn't count because I am the mother and primary caregiver.  I think often times; parents forget that you both love the child and you’re both doing what you think is best. And when it comes to disagreeing, no one is "right" or "wrong".  There are only two differing views.  Compromise is a very crucial element when it comes to parenting and in the event that there can be no compromise, someone is going to have to be the bigger person and let it go.  I know that it’s hard and you may not like it, but really, in the end, is all the silliness worth it?  Of all the things they could bicker over, is one picture on Instagram really worth the amount of drama that could possibly ensue?  I don’t think so, but hey who the hell am I?

So what say you?  Are you in the middle of some crazy drama when it comes to co-parenting?  Do you think mothers sometimes go too far and try to parent both the kids and the father?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Run Forrest Run!

It’s always funny to me what sticks to the recesses of the memory.  Some of the most memorable moments of my life have been ordinary, humdrum experiences, yet I took something away from them, which made them stand out moments for me.  Years ago, I played a question game with my ex husband, who loved conundrums, riddles and things of that nature.  I only remember one of the questions:  Would you rather be incredibly intelligent (like the smartest person in the world), or would you rather be a simpleton like Forrest Gump.  I preferred to be like Forrest, Forrest Gump.  In my rather humble opinion, Forrest was not stupid.  He was just simple, and to be honest, he was actually quite happy—unlike most of the other people in his life.  As I’ve grown, I’ve come to realize that life works best when we allow things to be simple.  The more intelligent we become, the more we tend to complicate things.  That question has remained in my mind ever since.  So when one of my favorite movies, which just happens to be Forrest Gump, began playing on HBO about a month ago, I couldn’t help but to watch it and become reminded of that question yet again.  This time around, I decided to change the question up a little, would I rather have a relationship with a man who is super intelligent, or would I rather have a man like Forrest Gump.  To be honest, the older I get, when I think about the man that I would want to be in relations with, Forrest kind of looks like that man.  He was sweet, honest, kind, honorable, loyal, understanding, strong, supportive, nurturing, and hell he was even rich.  And to be even more honest, in my opinion, he was far from stupid.  I’ve asked myself the question, why didn’t I want a man like Forrest before? 

My initial answer was that I was young.  As we all know, youth is for wasting time, opportunities, and being as dumb as you can possibly be.  Sarcasm aside, we do spend a great deal of our youths working to prove this to be true.  However, at a closer glance, I have to be honest with myself.  I wasn’t that different from Jenny.  Jenny loved Forrest.  Her refusal to be with Forrest had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with her.  Jenny was damaged.  Years of suffering abuse at the hands of her father left her empty, scared, and damaged.  Forrest was everything she didn’t believe she deserved.  His unconditional love for her scared her.  And she could justify things by blaming Forrest’s intelligence, or his naivete.  After all, any smart man would know better than to want to love her and treat her well.  Just look at all the men she chose to be with throughout the movie.  But in fairness to Jenny, I haven’t been much different.  I chose men who deep down I knew wouldn’t—and who ultimately didn’t treat me well.  I allowed myself to be abused and mistreated by the men I chose and I passed on some good ones.  I may have justified things like Jenny.  I believe some of my pitiful justifications included:  He just doesn’t do ‘It’ for me; He’s too nice; We’re too different.  But the truth of the matter is that there was something in me that recognized that those men would have loved me and loved me with honor.  I was not ready for that.  I didn’t believe I deserved that.  I was damaged and scared. 

And to be even more honest, that damaged little girl within me had me scared of a lot of things (not just men).  I was scared to ask for help because I just might have received it.  I was scared to accept a compliment because I didn’t think I deserved it.  I was just scared for good things to happen to me.  And all because I didn’t think I deserved it.  I recognize now that mindset has probably kept a lot of the things I’ve claimed I’ve wanted in my life at bay.  And it’s easy to sit back and wallow in pity and lament over “lost” opportunities, but I don’t see it that way.  I’m thankful for that little damaged scared girl.  Her inability to accept good things allowed for the both of us to face her fears and see that they could indeed be overcome.  Without facing them, I wouldn’t know how deserving I am of great things.  I wouldn’t know that I’m loveable and I wouldn’t know how to love myself.  That scared little girl taught me to live more Forrest and be the simpleton who helped make great things happen and in turn have great things happen to.  And while I’m well aware that it’s a fictional movie, I choose to hold on to the belief that hey, it could happen.  So thanks to my inner Jenny, The Forrest in me is now just running. 

What say you?  Have you been like Jenny?  And please understand that this really doesn't have to be limited to romantic relationships?  What good things have you allowed to pass you by because you didn't think you deserved them?  I'd love to start a dialogue.