I'm Scared, But I'm Not Sure of What

I definitely feel a shift occurring in my life.  Seems that I am ready to release all of the fear that I’ve given in to for most of my life.  I don’t think I was born afraid.  I don’t think any of us are born afraid.  I think fear is a learned behavior.  In my case, I think my dad taught me to be afraid.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know he meant well.  His intentions were pure.  However, the end result was that I became a very fearful child.  By the time I turned 6, my dad became very over bearing.  He criticized me for what I didn’t do correctly, what I did do, what I should do and what I should be.  It seemed as if I was lacking in some area.  If I attempted to ask a question (simply because I needed clarification), I was accused of being a smart ass and I would get in trouble.  If I voiced an opinion (let alone one that differed from his), I was accused of being a know it all and would get in trouble.  So I learned it wasn’t good to say anything.  However, if I didn’t speak up to others, I would get in trouble for letting others take my mojo and that was a major no no (Ha! Look I made a rhyme!).  So I learned to second-guess myself.  I mean, when was the proper time to speak and the proper time to be quiet?  I just didn’t know. At one point, he taught me not to take such pride in my grades because there would be someone smarter than I—one with good grades.  And in his words, “A hard C is better than an easy A anytime” But when I came home with a “hard C” in Science, I was punished because let him tell it, I was “Bull sh*tting!”  I was way better than that.  I was so scared and confused I didn’t know what to do with myself.   Over the years, the mixed messages just taught me to be afraid of everything.  I was damn near afraid of my own shadow.  I was afraid to be great.  I was afraid to fail.  I was afraid to succeed.  Did I move left?  Or was I to head right?  I didn’t know and so I made a decision to just not move at all.  I wouldn’t play small nor would I play big.  I just wouldn’t play.  I would just glide along in life—being afraid the entire time.

This stagnation only served to infuriate me.  I would feel so helpless, so overwhelmed, so unfulfilled.  Yet, I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted so much for myself.  But I wasn’t sure that I could get it.  So I made excuses that could appease my ego and allow me to stay stuck.  Things like that don’t happen for people like me.  Now who exactly are people like me?  At the time I didn’t really have an answer.  But today I know it’s everybody.  We are all so much alike than we are different. And just the sheer fact that I am here means I am worthy of great things.  So I learned to accept that I want more and that’s ok.  However, I hadn’t managed to release the fear.  So I stayed stuck.  I would do a little bit—create vision boards, write down my wishes, pray, daydream.  But that’s where it would end.  I wouldn’t take any definitive action toward my desires.  And the simple truth is that I was just too afraid to.  I mean what would become of me if I did?  I was too scared to find out.

Well now that fear has waned.  I’m no longer afraid.  I trust the Universe.  I think the Universe is truly benevolent and wants to give us everything our heart truly desires (bar from harming ourselves or others).  However, we have to work with The Universe to make sure we receive those things.  I’m no longer afraid to work with the Universe.  And now that I’m in this space of no fear, it seems so silly that I was ever as afraid as I was.  Now I have to ask myself: well what was I really afraid of?  And the sad truth is that I don’t really have a definitive answer.  It’s like the Boogey Man.  No one really knows what he looks like, yet he’s to be feared.  Well, now I get it.  Fear is really more fearful than anything I can face.  So now it’s time to act.  And I’ve got a lot of making up to do.   

What Will You Have Me Learn?

Since my dad passed, I have approached all that happens in my life as a teachable moment.  I didn’t always understand that things in life are happening FOR me and not to me.  I have since gotten the memo, so I do my best to stay mindful of this.  I’ve also learned that I have a great tendency to operate from the neck up instead of the neck down (something I’m consciously working on).  Therefore, I miss many cues upon their initial presentation.  When I finally get the cues, it’s after I have allowed a lot of distress, and they have since turned into full-blown tornadoes, leaving me with no choice but to pay attention.  Yesterday was just a very difficult day for me.  I was giving in to some majorly negative energy, and I unfortunately did not redirect myself until I reached a breaking point.  Thankfully, I was able to redirect and I got some lessons from two (unlikely—well unlikely to me at the moment) sources:  my daughter and my dog.

I have had my dog since February 2011.  My former dog Snowball passed away in September 2010 and I was heartbroken.  My daughter was young and I wanted her to grow up with a pet—especially since I didn’t have that luxury.  Unfortunately, I ignored the fact that I was still dealing with my issues from my dad’s death and turmoil with my mom.  I picked up a cute little West Highland White Terrier, which I aptly named Beanie (after my dad).  But from day one it has been a struggle.  Beanie was terribly difficult to train and after two and a half years, he still messes the floor (in spite of being taken out regularly).  I am not home as much as I need to give him the attention he deserves so he has some major separation anxiety.  Furthermore, I just don’t have the patience I once had.  After about two weeks, I became aware that I made a decision that wasn’t really in my best interest and I needed to rectify it.  However, I didn’t listen.  I came up with any and every excuse that I could to keep Beanie.  In the meantime, my frustration has done nothing but simmered.  In between frustration, I have always asked, What am I supposed to learn from him? Unfortunately, I have yet to grasp the answer.  Two years later, and I’m still just as frustrated as I was then.  But I’m not frustrated with him.  My feelings are all directed at the appropriate person.  So fast forward to Monday and I come home after dropping my daughter at theater camp.  I let Beanie out and I decide to clean.  Five minutes later, Beanie comes upstairs with me and proceeds to pee on the floor . . . right in front of me!  I was instantly struck by the same feeling that I had two weeks after I brought him home.  This dog is not a good fit for my life right now and I became aware of the lesson.  My relationship with Beanie is a direct reflection of my relationships in general.  I have always allowed people to go beyond my comfort zone.  I’m always willing to give, do, and be more than I know that I can.  I ignore my intuition when it tells me to draw boundaries or just let go.  I feel “bad” for thinking and feeling it.  So I stew in unhealthy relationships and grow resentful, giving away my power, failing to realize that I had the power the entire time. 

My other lesson came from my beautiful daughter.  I have known since the moment I found out that I was pregnant, that this person I would birth would teach me great things.  Little did I know just how true that would be.  In her short 6 years on this earth, this little woman has taught me more about myself than I have ever thought could be possible.    I had a "bad" Mommy moment, and in the moment, I felt as if I was watching myself take the wrong turn, but was somehow powerless to stop it.  After my baby left crying to her room, I was compelled to follow to continue in my poor decision, but I instead chose to take a moment, be still, and give in to what I was feeling. Then I asked myself, "What lesson am I to learn from this?"  What I got was that I was not taking care of myself.  I have been so busy and so immersed in taking the Fizzle to theater camp and making sure that I'm a "good" Mommy that I was neglecting myself.  I have not taken the time to do just one thing that I love.  I've been all about being Mommy.  I haven’t done anything that I love or need to center myself.  No yoga, no Zumba, no reading, no writing.  I haven’t even taken 5 minutes to meditate.  So because I have been going full steam ahead for The Fizzle, I have been tired.  Soooo tired.  Being tired has led me to being frustrated.  But instead of recognizing this, I gave in to my frustration and then had the audacity to take it out on my daughter.  After taking a moment to center myself and then forgive myself, I went upstairs, got my baby and apologized.  I could have allowed pride to keep me stuck.  But thankfully, good sense prevailed and I instead chose to go to her to apologize.  I explained that I was having a bad day and I inappropriately took it out on her.  I explained how I will make conscious choices to make sure that I do not engage in such behavior again.  While I do not like that the moment is etched into our history, I’m proud that she can at least remember that she has a mom who takes responsibility and holds herself accountable.  Hopefully that will mean more to her than my poor judgment. 

While I was somewhat shocked to receive my lessons from these two, I’m so thankful that I did.  The lessons brought me to the book If Life is a Game, These are the Rules.  Lesson #1 is lessons will be repeated until learned.  Here’s to not having to repeat these two lessons (at least I’m holding on to the belief that I won’t).