Hello Pot, My Name is Kettle

I have learned over the years that I am allergic to bullshit. And I’m not being funny when I say that.  I mean I am physically allergic to it.  I will break out in hives, get nauseous, and my ass will literally itch!  That’s just how allergic to it I am. It’s happened to me on several occasions so I’m well aware of the real-ness of it.   So I had an incident with someone yesterday.   This person came at me with a heaping dose of it and I just had to walk away before my allergies kicked in.  This person started ranting and raving like a lunatic and started talking to me like I was not an adult worthy of respect, but as if I were his child, who also happened to be in big trouble.  And the whole premise of his argument was “effective communication.”  Can you say Ha?  What’s even more funny is that this person claims I didn’t effectively communicate my whereabouts when I clearly sent a text to him to alert him, but he respond to it.  Again, I say ha.  Now back in my younger days, I could go toe-to-toe arguing and hollering right back.  It would take a lot to get me to that point, but boy once I got there.  Last night, however, I didn’t even see a point.  First of all, my daughter was standing right there.  Secondly, I was always taught that you shouldn’t argue with a fool because no one would be able to tell the difference between the two of you.  I mean negativity only begets more negativity.  If you want to settle something, do it with respect.  Respect goes a long way.  If you’re too upset to talk, walk away until you can speak rationally and calmly. Otherwise, an incredibly unnecessary and ridiculous scene can ensue.  Thirdly, I’ve learned that standing up for myself doesn’t require a loud voice or other such tactics.  The simple approach is really all that’s enough.  So I calmly said “Good night”, took my daughter’s hand and walked away, leaving this fool to yell by himself in a parking lot.   Now besides the fact that I feel this person lost all ground in his argument by speaking to me as he did, my major problem was the hypocrisy of his argument. 

What I felt was pure bullshit about the incident was that this person was upset about something I did that he himself is guilty of.  Well hello Pot, my name is Kettle!  Hypocrisy is something I have very little patience for.  I have learned to stop calling people out on their guilt to do things of which I am also guilty.  How can I dare call you out and I’m doing the same thing?  Doesn’t make sense if you ask me (and of course you didn’t, but by now you know I’ll ask and answer my own questions).  Further, I have learned to stop requiring things of others that I myself am not willing to do.  And that’s exactly how the aforementioned person operates.  He loves to require things of me--and others--which he usually fails to do himself.  And somehow, he usually feels completely justified when he calls me out on something.  I have no problem owning responsibility for my missteps.  I will tell you sorry, explain myself, and work to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  (Except when it comes to the telephone.  For the life of me, I cannot seem to get a handle on the phone.  I’m terrible with it. But that’s another story).    I’m actually quite proud of myself for not arguing or even staying upset about the incident. I recognize that the whole thing could have gotten much worse had I remained in that environment.  Thankfully, I remembered my allergies and I walked away.   And that whole scene just got me to thinking (as I tend to do anyway).

But he’s not the only person I’ve encountered who is guilty of this.  There is another person (and I’ve just completely released all the issues with that relationship) who does the same thing.  Whenever she addresses me about the issues of our relationship, she complains about things I’ve done trying to make things seem completely one-sided, when she’s done the very same things herself.  And once I point that out to her, she will not acknowledge her part.  And that leaves me completely befuddled.  Why go through all the trouble of pointing out my junk when you’re not willing to do the same for yourself?  

I’ve learned that everything (and I do mean everything) begins and ends with the self.  It is a law of physics (Newton's if you need a refresher) that for every action, there is an equal yet separate reaction.  So whatever it is that you want out of life, give it first and watch it return to you.  I see the evidence in my life by the changes in my relationships.  I have stopped beating myself up and not loving myself.  Thus, all the people who meant did the same thing to me and meant me no good have been removed.  I have no relationship with them.  And in return, new and wonderful people who are full of love have entered into my space.  The two relationships I just mentioned are two such examples.  I really don’t have much of a relationship with either of them.  There is a necessity there that makes it impossible for me to remove them completely, but at this point, to quote Evelyn Lozado (now Ochocinco), they are non-MF factors.   So that’s probably why they seem to have bigger issues with me now.  I know energy is real and they probably feel the new energy I’m emanating.  But when I have an issue with a person for which I want to communicate, I speak with respect and from a place of love, and I am for the most part, met with that in return.  I understand that I can’t complain about what I am not getting without first asking what am I giving.  And I won’t say this as if I have known this my entire life.  I’m not at all judging the people I mentioned above, I understand where they are, as it took some time to get this understanding.  But what I am saying is that while I understand, I will not tolerate it.  When they are ready to give to me what they expect from me, we can really move forward and possibly together.  And I’m really thinking perhaps they should spend a little more time looking at themselves than they are looking at me.  It would sure help my allergies if they did. 

So what say you?  How do you feel about being called a Kettle by an obvious Pot?  Are you guilty of it yourself?

No Flowers For Me

I’ve been so busy with travel and spending time with my little one that I have not been keeping an accurate account of my thoughts and activities. But the beautiful thing about writing is that there is no expiration date, so to speak, so I can always stop and write about things.  Well last month, I experienced something that I thought was an incredible display of love.  My bestie and I went to a party.  I know that doesn't sound like that would be such a moving experience, but it wasn't just any kind of party.  It was a celebration of life party for the owner of the salon we both go to.  His name is Phillip McCain, and while he doesn’t personally do either of our hair, he’s always been extremely courteous and kind whenever we’ve been there.  I have never heard a bad word about him.  Each of his employees seems to hold him in the highest esteem.  But Phillip now has Stage 4 Cancer.  I am not particularly sure as to what kind, but Stage 4 of any kind has got to be pretty somber.  It was actually held at the salon, and as I understand, it was at his request.  I was told he said he wanted to gather all the people he loved and who in turn loved him to celebrate.  It was a beautiful event.  The salon was packed! There were even crowds of folks outside. There was food, libations, music, and dancing.   As Phillip’s cancer is currently in stage 4, he was of course rather weak, he was unable to move around, and so he sat on a couch on the upper deck of the salon.  Towards the end of the night, there was a beautiful slideshow presentation, showcasing his life and there was not a dry eye in the building.  I really thought it was a beautiful display of love for this man.

My best friend, however, disagreed.  She felt the night was extremely depressing and that “they” were wrong for having him sit on a couch all night.  I told her it was by his request but that didn’t seem to make a difference.  Another friend of ours was in agreement with her. They both felt that it was in poor taste and depressing.  Personally, I think they were just uncomfortable with the display.  But it’s all a matter of perspective.  I probably would have been in agreement with her 4 years ago.  I was terribly uncomfortable regarding sickness and death.  Now I recognize that for me, going through the devastating loss of my dad and seeing how all of us who claimed to love him reacted in the aftermath, left me feeling differently.  I personally have never liked funerals.  If you want to talk about depressing, I find them completely depressing.  And I don’t find them to be depressing because of the obvious sadness and crying.  It’s just that I’ve never liked the way they work.  I’ve never liked sitting a corpse in front of people on display, singing depressing and somber songs, and hearing a “word” about death to be an appropriate way to celebrate someone’s life.  My bestie is already aware that should I leave this plane prior to her, I do not, under any uncertain terms, want a funeral.  I do not want my body on display.  I do not want sad songs to be sung.  I want a party.  She is to throw an elaborate party with all the fixings.  I want all my favorite music being played and all my favorite food to be served.  A slideshow can be showed and there can be allotted time for people to get up and speak, but the caveat is that they can only tell a happy story.  They have to say what they love most about me, or talk about their favorite moment with me.  I don’t mind tears being shed (if they are authentic), but I don’t want the occasion to be a somber one.  I want dancing and laughter and merriment.  She knows she is to follow this to the letter; otherwise I will haunt her for the rest of her life.  And she also knows I don’t want any flowers!  No flowers at my party.  I’d rather have all my flowers while I’m here on this side.

I think too often, we spend our time with those we love creating drama, focusing on what we don’t like, and living as if we will never have to say goodbye.  If you ask me (which you really didn’t, but it’s my blog so I’ll answer imaginary questions if I want to), there aren’t enough hugs, enough smiles, enough laughter, enough peaceful disagreements, and acceptance between loved ones.  Too many are not in peace when left to face the aftermath of their loved ones departure.  And I’m not referring to grief.  Grief is natural and inevitable.  I’m talking about all the residual feelings that are left: the guilt, the shame, the regrets and all over what wasn’t said or done or what could have been said and done better.  While we all must forgive ourselves and recognize that we do the best that we can, I think there are instances where we can agree we sometimes opt to not do better, even when we know we should.  Sometimes we do it out of fear, sometimes it’s pride, but whatever our reasons, in my humble opinion, they’re not good enough.  That’s why I thought Phillip’s party was a beautiful display.  Why should everyone wait until he’s gone to celebrate him, show up for him, and pay respects to him?  He’s here today.  Isn’t it better to tell him while he’s here?  Shouldn’t we all do that?  And again, I get it’s a matter of perspective.  But when I leave this earth, I don’t want anyone to bring flowers.  If you love me and you feel like you want to showcase that love, give me my flowers while I’m here. 

 *Incidentally, if anyone is interested, a love offering can be made for Phillip McCain* 

through PayPal at loveofferingforphillip@yahoo.com or

checks can be made payable to Phillip McCain c/o Toss the Hair Salon and Spa

60 East 13^th Street

Chicago, IL  60605

Attention:  Robert Lewis

Happy Friday!

 

Well, well, well . . . here it is Friday the 13th and I guess I'm falling prey to the bad luck thing it's supposed to bring.  Seems there are some technical difficulties with my video uploading capabilities.  Therefore, I have been unable to seduce inspire you with my Happy Friday video posts. Boo hoo . . . but don't cry for me Argentina, or wherever you are.  It's still a beautiful day in Zamunda and Mr. Rogers' neighborhood.  But now that leaves me in that place of awkwardness.  See what had happened was . . . I don't have anything to say!

See I'm the type of person who doesn't necessarily talk a lot.  It looks like I do because when I do talk, I can go.  But if I don't have anything to say, I don't say it.  So today is one of those days.  I'm feeling really good today. I'm in Virginia for a Sarcoidosis walk.  I just got back to my hotel room after appearing on the local news station to alert the community about the event and give some information about Sarcoidosis.  So now I have a free afternoon to myself.  I miss my kid, I miss my own bed (this bed here SUCKS!), but the room is clean, it's in a beautiful area (Virginia Beach), I'm young, I'm slick, I'm cool, and all the ladies love my activator (Shout out to In Living Color's Frenchie).  Anyway, I'm going to get out into this lovely world and have myself a good time.  I hope you do the same. Hopefully, the glitch will be fixed and I can upload something next week.  If not, I'll drop some pearlies on Monday.  Go out and love somebody today!

The Good Thing About Having a Good Heart

So you remember the scene in Boomerang where Halle Berry as the character Angela, uttered these words to Eddie Murphy’s Marcus Graham character:  You know I may not be all glamorous.  And I don’t have weave all down my back.  But you know one good thing about me? I’ve got heart.  And the thing about having heart is that it gets broken when you deal with people like you?  Then she said something else that had everybody in the theater woo-hooing, clapping and stomping their feet (Something to the effect of Now stay the f*ck out of my life!).   I was only 13 years old when I went to see that movie with my parents, but even then, I could relate a little to what she was saying.  Here it is, 20 years later, and I can relate a lot.  I can relate because I am Angela.  I’ve got a good heart.  I’ve got a really good heart.  And I don’t say that to pat myself on the back or make myself look good.  It’s just who I am.  I genuinely want the best for people, work hard to help them whenever I can (sometimes to my own detriment).  I never get jealous of another’s success, and actually am more than happy to cheer them on to even more victory. I once felt like Halle Berry’s Angela, that the terrible thing about having heart is that it gets broken a lot by the Marcus Graham’s of the world.  Now that I’m older and a wee bit more mature, I recognize that it’s not necessarily their fault. 

People can only extend their line of thinking to others.  This means that I am probably going to assume that you’re thinking as I would, which extends into expecting you to behave as I probably would.  This is why we get so many “If I were you”, “I wish I would do what you did” type of conversations with people.  This is why there are so many “shoulds” in the unwritten moral codebook of our society.  This is why the mass assumption is that there is one cookie cutter program to life.  Very few can objectively change perspectives and see things from another’s point of view.  And having a good heart doesn’t necessarily help you to be that exceptional one.  The thing about having a good heart is that you tend to believe that people also have a good heart like you—even if you have to dig a little deeper for theirs.  I tend to see people for the potential of who they could be as opposed to who they actually are.  Once I finally take heed and believe the person to be who they are, I have allowed myself to invest so much and I am rendered broken hearted.  I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak over the years if I’d just taken heed and recognized that certain people weren’t just making mistakes, but were showing me they were no good for me.    I have found that those same people who take advantage of me are really quick to dismiss me when I take a stand and draw a boundary line.  In some ways, I guess I can see where they are coming from.  I’ve let them take advantage for so long, why stop now?  It’s what I used to tell my mom about my dad.  My mom would complain about my dad wanting her to cook when he came home from work.  Her logic was that he was out of line and he shouldn’t expect her to cook so much because she’s older.  I explained to her that from his point of view, she was the one with the problem because she was the one changing things.  From the beginning of their relationship, she cooked.  He would give menus for lunch or dinner while he was eating breakfast and she’d in turn prepare them.  So now that she felt different because she was older, SHE, and not he, was the one changing the game.  So goes the game when it comes to my good heart and the users.  If I have not mentioned a problem with the users prior to my awakening; or I mention problem but don’t follow it with any boundaries or consequences; I can only expect shock and objection once I do awake and put an end to the abuse (albeit voluntary).  But however they feel about it is not my problem.  That’s another lesson I had to learn too by the way. 

What I now know is that people will only do what you allow.  That means in the grand scheme of my life, it’s not anyone’s fault but my own if I allow people to take advantage of my kindness.  If I see someone taking advantage and I don’t put an end to it the first time, can I really be surprised once they repeat their offense?  And if I then allow them to go on to become serial offenders, how can I see myself as anything but the culprit?  I’m the type of person who doesn’t always speak up and when I do, I tend to be very calm.  I’ve just always believed that there is a diplomatic way to express my displeasure with a person.  Besides, I’ve never believed hollering, cussing and fighting actually amounted to much because in my experience, those are the main folks who turn around and allow the actual behavior they were acting a fool over.  It just makes them feel better to know they can cut you real quick with their words when they feel like it.  So it seems to me that all of my offenders have felt like I don’t mean business like I say I do because I’m too calm about it.  (That coupled with my poor boundaries).  I’ve thought about it before and wondered would it be better for me if I did act a Plum Fool, but I just can’t.  You see, I’m super stubborn and I just won’t be able to rest knowing I allowed someone to make me change myself for them.  Besides, I like my approach, I just think I need to set clear boundaries once I say what I have to say. 

I’ve also learned that more times than not, my offenders will need me much sooner and more than I will need them.  It’s probably because I’ve found this recurring theme with them all.  They all seem to suffer from some kind of insecurity or self-loathing issues.  Those issues cause them to have severe issues with accepting genuine love from another.  They seem to prefer superficial, sometimes dysfunctional relationships because it’s like that’s all they believe they deserve.  So they meet l’il ole me, see my genuine-ness, and then begin to sabotage it because they can’t actually believe anyone would treat them as well as I.  It’s tragic if you ask me.  (You really didn’t, but hell it’s my blog so I can answer your non-existent question if I want to).  Realizing this has helped me to have compassion instead of anger at most of them.  I say most because honestly, there have been a few whom I really expected more from and was quite shell shocked to say the least when I found out the truth of who they were to me.  But learning this has helped me to recognize that the way they are treating me says everything about them and nothing about me.  I once took things so personally that I would have a hard time getting past betrayal.  I would always assume responsibility for my betrayers as if they were too precious to have been allowed culpability.  I was always asking “Why me?”  Not understanding that I could put an end to the relationship and abuse anytime I wanted.  Furthermore, not realizing that their behavior had nothing to do with me.  Maybe they were jealous of me.  Maybe they felt I did something to them so this was payback.  Maybe they just didn’t like me.  Whatever the case, I represented something for them that made them feel it was ok to treat me the way they did.  However, I disagreed, and since I was the one with the objection, I was the one who was going to have to do something about it. and for my own sanity, not theirs.

I once read that a person with a good heart usually experiences a lot of heartbreak because that person is a more evolved soul.  Betrayal, loss, pain, and heartbreak are all agents for growth.  Well I must be one evolved soul.  And you know what, that’s actually ok with me now. 

 

It's Going to Be Beautiful

I have been having a most awesome time here in LA.  I have seen some great friends, chilled in great weather, and I’ve even been sleeping a good 7 to 8 hours every night!  I have just had a ball.  It really has been a welcome retreat for my soul.  And even though I’ve been having a magically delicious time, I can still only be me, so of course my mind has still been going a mile a minute.  Before I left, I was really in an icky place.  I was feeling impatient, down trodden, and somewhat defeated.  And there really hasn’t been an impetus for those feelings.  I think I’m just feeling stuck and I’m ready for a change.  I went to see a reader at one of my favorite metaphysical shops and he told me that my life was about to turn into a whirlwind.  He said there was so much change on my horizon, but I’m just not ready yet.  He told me to get ready because it’s close, just not quite as close as I’d like it to be.  And I’m really intuitive so I really knew that already.  I do feel like I’m on the cusp of something major, but it’s just not the right time yet.  When my life started turning all topsy-turvy a few years back, I just kept saying, “I’m being prepared for something greater.”  I felt it.  I knew it.  I trusted it.  But lately I was just feeling like “OK, I did all that suffering for what?!  Where is my big breakthrough?  I want it now!”  I think I was getting so caught up in my oh so human, illogical mind that I was missing things. And missing things was causing me to doubt and fear.  And fear is nothing but the devil.  I can’t say that I believe in a big ugly monster with horns and a pitchfork out to devour my soul, but I do believe that Fear is pure evil because it keeps us so locked into dysfunction and away from the abundance God wants for us. 

So since I’ve been thinking, I have been able to recall a lot of seemingly mundane moments, which I now realize were kind of profound.   One such moment occurred a couple of weeks ago.  I was taking my baby to school. A street near our home that we take to get to her school is under construction.  It’s quite a mess to pass, as the entire intersection is now nothing but gravel.  As we were passing by, Jas asked me “Mommy, what happened to the street?”  I began to explain to her that the street was being re paved.  So she asked me why the street looked as it did now and I told her “Well Kiddo, the old parts have to be torn down in order to allow the workers to build the new street.”  As I was saying this, I literally had a Hallelujah, A-Ha moment!  Isn’t that so much like life and how it operates?  Things are constantly changing and being made new, but in order for the new to come to fruition, the old has to be completely torn down.  Even Lowes has a commercial containing the song “Make it Beautiful (Tear it Down)” by the Phantoms.  It’s really a great song.  The lyrics include: 

“Gotta hit the wall to make it right

Break it down, break it down to see the light

(Chorus) You gotta tear it down, you gotta tear it down

Sometimes you gotta tear it down to make it beautiful”

I think that is the beautiful thing about life.  God, The Universe, The Great One, Our Creator, Life or whatever you’re comfortable calling this Divine Energy is always, always, always working things out in our favor!  Great things are in store for us.  Yet we are so afraid, so stuck in our human-ness that we miss it.  Things that we perceive as bad (relationships breaking up, losing jobs, losing homes, not getting what we want) are actually favors.  And when it’s time for the really great things to come our way, all the old has to be broken up and tossed out.  But we can’t accept what’s headed our way because we’re so busy looking at what we think we’ve lost.  How crazy are we?  Oh it’s just me?!  Well, fine be that way.  I’ll just speak for myself.  I have been so riddled in victim mode.  I’ve been so worried about what I lost, how I can’t wait for the day when I no longer feel the loss, that I was missing the point of it all.  Something beautiful is in store for my life.  The momentary losses were just that:  momentary!  Yet I was so blindsided by my pain, so stuck in judgment of what the pain meant, who the people who hurt me were, and myself for being hurt that I was missing it.  I was allowing the tearing down moments to define who I am and what my life was meant to be.  Slow down little red corvette!  I was driving too fast in the wrong direction.  Thank goodness for growth, for wisdom, and time.  Time is really on our sides.  We think because our time here on Earth is finite, that it isn’t.  But it really is.  Everything that happens, every choice we make, is part of the Divine plan for our lives.  So now instead of dreading going through another tearing down moment, I’ll be excited.  However, I am putting out the disclaimer that I don’t look for another tearing down moment for quite some time. 

By the way, this is just one of the reasons I love being a Mommy.  I learn so much from my kid.  I think understanding that you can learn so much from your kid is part of being a great parent.  But anyway, that’s another post so back to my point.  Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  I really think he’s right.    I don’t know about you, but I’m done looking at the closing doors.