Why Can't We Be Friends?

So I was up late the other night when I happened to catch a previously aired episode of The Wendy Williams Show.  During her initial gossip talk, she began talking about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  She said she thought he was the perfect guy until she recently found out that he is still not only friends, but also business partners with his ex wife.  She was also alarmed by the fact that he did not pay her alimony, as he only pays child support.  She felt this was a red flag and asked the audience how many would be comfortable dating their man knowing his ex wife still in the picture in this kind of capacity.  Many in the audience shook their heads no.   In fact, her words were “I knew he couldn’t be as perfect as he seems.”  I think I must be different because I found that very odd.  I found that to be a plus to him.  I'll admit that there are quite a few things that would give me cause to pause with a man, but a great relationship with his ex wife and mother of his child is not one of them.

I have some high school buddies who recently celebrated their 10^th anniversary and they have a great relationship with the wife’s ex husband.  It took some work, but they are finally there.  The ex attends quite a few family functions.  If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear he was family.  Well to be honest, he actually is.  Another friend expressed that he would have a serious problem with this situation.  He stated that he would not want anyone his wife was once intimate with to be that close to either of them—even if children were involved.  He would prefer the honk the car horn to let us know you’re outside when you pick up the kids method.  Now maybe I’m just different, but I find that so odd.  I really don’t get the problem with

Certainly everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, and I’m not bashing it.  I’m just confused as to why people feel this way.  While it’s not a necessarily accurate view, I tend to look at a person’s relationship with their ex as a good indication of how they’ll probably be with me should things come to an end.  So I feel that if he’s on good terms with her and still has a lot of love and respect for her; he’ll probably have the same for me if things end.  In my opinion, it is the mark of two individuals who are choosing to be mature and respectful of the fact that they weren’t meant to be together.  And that is ok.  I’d much rather prefer to deal with someone who has an excellent relationship and friendship with their ex (I’m really referring to unions involving children), than one who is at war with his ex.  Now of course, this presumption is operating under the premise that there is an either/or circumstance, meaning that either the relationship is great or it’s terrible.  I understand that everything is not black or white and there are actually more than a few shades of shades of gray in life.  I myself have a rather meh relationship with my ex husband.  We’re not at all friends.  We’re also not mortal enemies.  However, in saying that, I can admit that we barely speak and we certainly haven’t mastered this co-parenting thing.  I would actually like things to progress toward a friendship, but I don’t think it will ever be.  And I’ve made my peace with that.  So I do get that not everyone will have the idealized Dwayne Johnson/ex  Dany Garcia relationship.  But I don’t get why the former would be more desirable for my future mate than the latter.   I think people give ex’s way too much power.  Unless the ex is extremely disrespectful and oblivious to proper boundaries or your mate still wants his or her ex, I see no reason to be that concerned with the ex.  I think it would be beneficial for all parties to be friendly.  And again, I’m really speaking more from the point of view of one who shares a child with an ex.  I think when children are involved (and I don’t mean grown children), I think it is much more healthy for everyone to be friendly.  I do get that sometimes that just isn’t possible, but I would still think that would be more ideal for a newcomer than to walk into the middle of the “baby momma/daddy drama”.  But like I said, I might just be different.   So what say you?  What are your thoughts on the sich-e-a-shun?

Just a Simple Confession

 Me and my dad during a family vacation to Florida 1989

I have been feeling some kind of way for the past two weeks.  It’s been weird.  I’ve been anxious, unable to sleep, and off balance.  I have vacillated between feelings of happiness and inexplicable sadness.  And if I’m not sad, I’ve been feeling like I should be.  Initially, I simply attributed my mood swings to loneliness.  My baby has been gone visiting her father so I just assumed Oh I miss her and my usual schedule is thrown off.  But she’s back home now and I still have insomnia.  I still have this weird anxious feeling.  It wasn’t until I was perusing Facebook last night that it hit me.  A friend of mine tagged me in a picture and the picture was of my father and Isaac Hayes.  The caption stated that they passed 5 years ago and they were taken way too soon. 

Today is the fifth anniversary of my father’s death.  And it’s not like I haven’t known that.  I couldn’t forget August 9 if I wanted to (and trust me there are times that I definitely want to).  I’ve even mentioned it quite a few times within the month of July.  I guess knowing and experiencing truly are two different things because now that the moment is here, I am hit with a deep sadness.  Upon his passing, a friend of mine told me, I couldn’t tell you that it gets easier, but I can tell you that it gets more manageable.  In my oh so humble opinion, she is absolutely correct.  The pain I feel isn’t any less today than it was the moment the doctor informed us (my mother and me) that he was gone.   However, the pain is no longer such a shock to my system.  It’s familiar now.  The ache and longing in my soul is no longer foreign.  It’s with me every day, as it has been for the past 5 years.  And please understand that I’m not depressed.  I’m not in a dark place.  I am healed.  I just know that the void of my father’s absence will never be filled and it’s ok.  I’m in a space where I can laugh more than I cry.  I can remember good times.  I’ve even reconciled the fact that I am so much like him (something I detested when he was alive).  I catch myself sounding just like him and I smile.  I know that as long as I live, a part of him does and that makes me so proud.  I can talk to my daughter about her grandfather with affection and pride without feeling sad that her memories are so scarce.  I can relish that he at least had the opportunity to enjoy her for a whole year and a half.   

But, I’ll admit, that I am not always able to be so up beat.  On certain days of the year, the ache feels more agonizing, the void feels deeper, my heart feels heavier, and my soul just a little more weary.  Today is one of those days.  Today is the day where I admit that one of my biggest fears is living life longer without him than I did with him (in the physical sense).  Today is the day where perspective truly takes meaning because I know that 30 years is a significant amount of time, yet I don’t feel like it was enough time with my Daddy.  Today is the day where I cry more than I usually do—not that I intend to.  It always just sort of happens.  But above all else, today is the day that I remember a little more.  I remember his smile. I remember his laughter.  I remember all the lessons.  I remember all the times he got on my nerves and wish he was here to do it again.  I remember hearing his voice and thinking, “Man does he know how to be quiet?”  I remember his face the day I told him I was pregnant, and how he cried upon hearing the news. And most importantly, I remember how much I love him.  Thankfully, I don’t have any regrets.  I know that we do the best that we can in the moments.  We both did the best we could by one another, and in my humble opinion, we did pretty damn good.  Today as they say, is just one of those day.  So because I feel this way, I usually like to do something significant.  It makes me feel good to do something really significant.  But I don’t do it because he died.  I like to do it because he lived.  And I know that because he lived, I do as well.  I guess all I’m saying is that I love and miss my Daddy. And in the words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

Nothing Is All Good or All Bad . . . Includin Fear

Happy Friday!  It's been quite a while since I've done my V-log so I figured it was way past time that I posted one.  I recorded this little number some time ago, but after watching it, I can see that it fits.  I have been working to embrace everything that is in my life and that includes all of my feelings, attitudes, and viewpoints.  After all, the only way I can truly change is to accept what is and amend what I feel needs amending.  So the prevalent feeling has been fear.  As I shared in Wednesday's post, I have been working to let go of the fear that has so paralyzed me for much of my adult life.  However, when I examine what fear truly is, I had to recognize that all fear isn't bad.  In some instances, fear can just be a signal that you're on the right path.  The road of life is paved with all kinds of unknowns and in the face of the unknown, it's common for fear to arise.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing.  After all, it's not necessary to remove fear in order to act.  All that is necessary is that one possess courage.  And courage is simply acting,  even in the face of your fear.