The Good Thing About Having a Good Heart

So you remember the scene in Boomerang where Halle Berry as the character Angela, uttered these words to Eddie Murphy’s Marcus Graham character:  You know I may not be all glamorous.  And I don’t have weave all down my back.  But you know one good thing about me? I’ve got heart.  And the thing about having heart is that it gets broken when you deal with people like you?  Then she said something else that had everybody in the theater woo-hooing, clapping and stomping their feet (Something to the effect of Now stay the f*ck out of my life!).   I was only 13 years old when I went to see that movie with my parents, but even then, I could relate a little to what she was saying.  Here it is, 20 years later, and I can relate a lot.  I can relate because I am Angela.  I’ve got a good heart.  I’ve got a really good heart.  And I don’t say that to pat myself on the back or make myself look good.  It’s just who I am.  I genuinely want the best for people, work hard to help them whenever I can (sometimes to my own detriment).  I never get jealous of another’s success, and actually am more than happy to cheer them on to even more victory. I once felt like Halle Berry’s Angela, that the terrible thing about having heart is that it gets broken a lot by the Marcus Graham’s of the world.  Now that I’m older and a wee bit more mature, I recognize that it’s not necessarily their fault. 

People can only extend their line of thinking to others.  This means that I am probably going to assume that you’re thinking as I would, which extends into expecting you to behave as I probably would.  This is why we get so many “If I were you”, “I wish I would do what you did” type of conversations with people.  This is why there are so many “shoulds” in the unwritten moral codebook of our society.  This is why the mass assumption is that there is one cookie cutter program to life.  Very few can objectively change perspectives and see things from another’s point of view.  And having a good heart doesn’t necessarily help you to be that exceptional one.  The thing about having a good heart is that you tend to believe that people also have a good heart like you—even if you have to dig a little deeper for theirs.  I tend to see people for the potential of who they could be as opposed to who they actually are.  Once I finally take heed and believe the person to be who they are, I have allowed myself to invest so much and I am rendered broken hearted.  I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak over the years if I’d just taken heed and recognized that certain people weren’t just making mistakes, but were showing me they were no good for me.    I have found that those same people who take advantage of me are really quick to dismiss me when I take a stand and draw a boundary line.  In some ways, I guess I can see where they are coming from.  I’ve let them take advantage for so long, why stop now?  It’s what I used to tell my mom about my dad.  My mom would complain about my dad wanting her to cook when he came home from work.  Her logic was that he was out of line and he shouldn’t expect her to cook so much because she’s older.  I explained to her that from his point of view, she was the one with the problem because she was the one changing things.  From the beginning of their relationship, she cooked.  He would give menus for lunch or dinner while he was eating breakfast and she’d in turn prepare them.  So now that she felt different because she was older, SHE, and not he, was the one changing the game.  So goes the game when it comes to my good heart and the users.  If I have not mentioned a problem with the users prior to my awakening; or I mention problem but don’t follow it with any boundaries or consequences; I can only expect shock and objection once I do awake and put an end to the abuse (albeit voluntary).  But however they feel about it is not my problem.  That’s another lesson I had to learn too by the way. 

What I now know is that people will only do what you allow.  That means in the grand scheme of my life, it’s not anyone’s fault but my own if I allow people to take advantage of my kindness.  If I see someone taking advantage and I don’t put an end to it the first time, can I really be surprised once they repeat their offense?  And if I then allow them to go on to become serial offenders, how can I see myself as anything but the culprit?  I’m the type of person who doesn’t always speak up and when I do, I tend to be very calm.  I’ve just always believed that there is a diplomatic way to express my displeasure with a person.  Besides, I’ve never believed hollering, cussing and fighting actually amounted to much because in my experience, those are the main folks who turn around and allow the actual behavior they were acting a fool over.  It just makes them feel better to know they can cut you real quick with their words when they feel like it.  So it seems to me that all of my offenders have felt like I don’t mean business like I say I do because I’m too calm about it.  (That coupled with my poor boundaries).  I’ve thought about it before and wondered would it be better for me if I did act a Plum Fool, but I just can’t.  You see, I’m super stubborn and I just won’t be able to rest knowing I allowed someone to make me change myself for them.  Besides, I like my approach, I just think I need to set clear boundaries once I say what I have to say. 

I’ve also learned that more times than not, my offenders will need me much sooner and more than I will need them.  It’s probably because I’ve found this recurring theme with them all.  They all seem to suffer from some kind of insecurity or self-loathing issues.  Those issues cause them to have severe issues with accepting genuine love from another.  They seem to prefer superficial, sometimes dysfunctional relationships because it’s like that’s all they believe they deserve.  So they meet l’il ole me, see my genuine-ness, and then begin to sabotage it because they can’t actually believe anyone would treat them as well as I.  It’s tragic if you ask me.  (You really didn’t, but hell it’s my blog so I can answer your non-existent question if I want to).  Realizing this has helped me to have compassion instead of anger at most of them.  I say most because honestly, there have been a few whom I really expected more from and was quite shell shocked to say the least when I found out the truth of who they were to me.  But learning this has helped me to recognize that the way they are treating me says everything about them and nothing about me.  I once took things so personally that I would have a hard time getting past betrayal.  I would always assume responsibility for my betrayers as if they were too precious to have been allowed culpability.  I was always asking “Why me?”  Not understanding that I could put an end to the relationship and abuse anytime I wanted.  Furthermore, not realizing that their behavior had nothing to do with me.  Maybe they were jealous of me.  Maybe they felt I did something to them so this was payback.  Maybe they just didn’t like me.  Whatever the case, I represented something for them that made them feel it was ok to treat me the way they did.  However, I disagreed, and since I was the one with the objection, I was the one who was going to have to do something about it. and for my own sanity, not theirs.

I once read that a person with a good heart usually experiences a lot of heartbreak because that person is a more evolved soul.  Betrayal, loss, pain, and heartbreak are all agents for growth.  Well I must be one evolved soul.  And you know what, that’s actually ok with me now.