What Can I Say to You?

What I see today when I look at this girl is completely different than what I saw back  then.  How delicious it would have been if those eyes could have seen what I see.

I’m approaching my 34^th birthday this week.  I really don’t feel any way about it except grateful.  Perhaps a little bittersweet as I definitely wish my father were still here to witness me reach another year, as I think he’d be very pleased with present day Je’Niece.  But honestly, I’m not one of those women who’s intimidated by growing older.  I consider it a privilege.  And to be honest, I’m quite proud of who I am today. I feel the best I have ever felt in my life.  I am physically fit. I am definitely spiritually enlightened, and most of all, I think I have finally come to love myself.  I’ve always kept a journal and I’ve been going over my journals and I feel good about how far I’ve come.  I especially feel this good when I look at my ex husband, as just looking at him makes me think “Damn girl you were in a bad way huh?” and makes me want to create a time machine just to go back in time to give myself a much needed hug.  But I digress.  Anyway, I must admit, I do feel somewhat saddened by my younger self.  I know that we are all at every moment doing the best that we can so I’m not judging my younger self—not by a long shot.  But I have wondered what I would say to my younger self if I could go back in time and have a conversation with her.  I’ve actually thought about this and here are some of the things I think I’d say (in no particular order)

1.     I love you.  ‘Nuff said

2.     Stop being a perfectionist.  It’s just a sign of your fear.

3.     Since we’re talking about fear, let me just tell you that you’ll waste more of your life in fear than you will spend really living it if you don’t get out of your head.  And really, Roosevelt was right when he said there’s nothing to fear but fear itself.

4.     `Stop worrying about what other people have to say about you.  All the people who are saying you’re spoiled, etc. are really only saying they wish they had what you do

5.     Trust yourself.  You’re wiser than you recognize

6.     When you have your daughter, you will want to line up your momma, grandmamma aunts and all the women who walked before you and slap the sh*t outta all of them for never telling you the real deal about what motherhood brings

7.     In spite of what your dad instilled in you, it is entirely ok to change your mind.

8.     You will not be a failure for marrying a man you knew you wouldn’t have a good marriage with.  You were simply operating in fear, and once you know better, you will do better.

9.     You are beautiful.  If you don’t believe me, go look in a mirror and don’t walk away until you see your own beauty.

10.  The day is coming when you will question everything you have ever come to believe in.

11.  I know you won’t like this, but you should listen to your dad more often.  He really is right about a lot of things.

12. Stop worrying so much.  Everything works out exactly as it needs for your own well being.

13. You know your heart is in love with the arts so don’t waste your time going to school as a Biology Pre-Med major.  You’ll hate every moment of it.

14. Boundaries are a beautiful thing! Do not be afraid to implement them in your relationships

15. You are so much greater than you recognize.  Start recognizing it.

16. Please stop looking for other people to tell you you’re worthy.  Love yourself.  Once you do, everything else will fall into place.

17. Please stop looking for other people to tell you you’re worthy.  Love yourself.  Once you do, everything else will fall into place.

18. Failure is a man made construct.  So fearing failure just doesn’t make sense.  The only true failure is never trying.

I'm sure if I sat long enough this list could grow and grow, but I think this is sufficient for now.  But since I've showed you mine, why don't you show me yours?  What would you say to your former self if the two of you were ever allowed to meet?