*So I went to Oprah's Lifeclass on Monday and got some deliciously wonderful nuggets of wisdom from it! I'm going to write a post about each nugget. However, I won't go into great details about the show so as not to spoil it for anyone who wants to watch the episode when it airs*
I had a fantastic time attending the live taping of Oprah’s
Lifeclass with both Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant at Harpo Studios! It was such an amazing experience. Both of these women are so full of love
and wisdom, and they both have an amazing gift of being present with people
when they speak. It was just a joy
to be a present and watch them do what they do so well. The topic of the show was Family
Secrets. There were so many
courageous guests who opened themselves to share with the world their secrets
and the effects on their lives.
Both Oprah and Iyanla listened intently, and gracefully shared their
wisdom. And there was so much
wisdom. I forgot to take pictures
because I was so busy typing everything they were saying!
At one point during the show, after speaking with one of the
guests, Iyanla said something that made so much sense to me. She said: We are people. Before we are anything else,
we are people. But nobody teaches us how to be just people. We’re
simply taught how to act in public.
We’re taught how to be lawyers, doctors, polite, basically everything
but people. And you know
what? I think she’s right. When I think about my own upbringing, I
was talked at quite a bit about proper behavior--how and what to do, the
appropriate times to do such things, and especially about what not to do--but
rarely was I talked with about my feelings, who I was, and who I wanted to
be. My dad tried his best to get
me to see life as such, but his approach greatly diminished his efforts. But Iyanla’s statement made sense to me
because before we are anything else, we are people. We are human beings, no human doings. Yet we get so wrapped up in the doing
that it interferes with our entire being.
I firmly believe that we are born with all the knowledge that we need to
navigate through life. As we age
(notice I didn’t say grow), we are conditioned so that we forget all that we
know and then; only if we recognize our faulty conditioning; do we then begin
the process of reconditioning ourselves.
The conditioning we receive usually seems to come from a place of how
who and where we currently are not good enough. And I think this is where that disconnect occurs for the
human race. We are constantly in
search of things to make us better and good enough so that we can be acceptable,
failing to realize that we must first accept ourselves.
I see this mindset playing out with my ex husband. He came over the other day to discuss
his concerns with our daughter.
Now one of the issues that I take with him is that very rarely, if ever,
does he want to speak with me about what he sees are good things in our
child. It’s usually about how she
is lacking in some area. I have
watched my daughter and gotten to know her as she is and decided it is best
that she attend a Montessori school.
The first school she was sent to didn’t suit her at all, so she was
transferred to another one. This
particular school and the teacher have helped her tremendously. The teacher really understands her and
that is extremely important for my daughter. She is highly emotional. Everything she does stem from her emotional state. However, I don’t think her father
understands that. He would prefer
that she attend Kindergarten at a public school and I don’t think she’s quite
ready. Her teacher has shared the
same sentiment. My belief is that
at this time, our daughter is not emotionally mature enough to attend public
school where she will have to contend in a class with at least 25 other
children, and the teacher would not be able to contend with her. His stance is that he doesn’t feel that
the current school will prepare her for, and I do quote, “the rigors of first
grade”. When I asked him what he
was expecting of her as she is going to Kindergarten, he stated, (and again I
quote) “She should be killing the game.”
Now I’m not really sure what that means, and since I didn’t get any explanation
from him as to what that means, I’m left to infer. In my opinion, he has some rather high and unrealistic expectations
of our 5 year-old. When I stated
that she has learned arithmetic, geography, the solar system, reading and
writing at the school, as well as achieved help with her social interactions,
his response is that those are the things that we have helped her learn so she
should know them. 
Now this is where the disconnect exists between he and
I. He has always been one who
values intellect, status, and appearances, whereas I have always been one who
doesn’t really care about those things.
He values having degrees, and titles. I think that having degrees are great accomplishments (Hell,
I have 2), but they don’t’ tell me anything about you as a person, and I’m much
more interested in who you are. And I’m not saying either one of us are
right or wrong. It’s just who we
are. I work very hard to respect
his opinion (and I do work hard at
it because I know my personal feelings), I know that ultimately, I have to look
past both he and I and focus on our daughter. I definitely don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling as if
she has to constantly do and achieve to finally be “Somebody”. As our discussion grew increasingly
heated, Iyanla’s words echoed in my ears.
I thought this is exactly what she was talking about! While I fully trust and believe that
his intentions are coming from a place of love, I also believe that he is
operating from his own personal space of lack of good enough-ness. In my ex’s mind, our daughter will only
be great if she is better than everyone (even at the tender age of 5) because
that is the same way he views himself.
His rationale is that she should be ahead of everyone because she will
be 6 in October. In his quest to
want the best for her, he’s failing to see her as she is today and meet her
where she is. This in turn, makes it impossible for
him to encourage her to be who she is.
In his defense, his parents probably taught him the very same way, so it’s
what he knows. I think most of us
were taught this way. Whether it
was to achieve or not to achieve, we were taught to be what others deemed for
us instead of the very beings we are. I was just having this conversation with someone a few
weeks ago. There is a tremendous
amount of pressure put upon children today that I don’t believe previous
generations had to endure. I was
allowed to be a child. Play was deemed important for me. Actually, I was the only kid I know who
got in trouble for opting to stay in the house and read instead of going
outside to play. My dad frequently
admonished me to remember to play and have fun. He told me being smart was great, but being able to laugh at
myself was even better. He said if
I focused on the fact that I was smart above all else, I would become
disappointed because eventually, I’d meet someone smarter than. If I hinged my entire self worth on my
smarts, I’d naturally deem I was no longer good enough. Man, he was really a wise
man! I wish his methodology had been better. But I digress.
Anyway, I think it’s so important for us to take a step back
and ask ourselves, what are we here for?
I think we spend a lot of time on the doing, achieving of life only to
get to the end and realize it wasn’t really that important. When my dad died, I didn’t care that he
achieved becoming the King of Comedy.
I didn't care about all the money he earned. I cared that I had no more laughter with him, no more hugs, no more time
to watch him play with my daughter.
I’m pretty sure no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d
scored higher on that standardized test, or gotten a higher GPA, worked more
over time on their job, made more money, bought more designer clothing, or any
of the other so called things we do to make us believe we are good enough. We are people. That’s it and that’s all. And honestly, we don’t need to be
anything more. But then again, who
am I, save for a mere person?
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