Anger Management

Hello, my name is Je’Niece and I have a problem with anger.  I think my anger problem may even require anger management.  But not anger management in its traditional sense. My anger issue isn’t the traditional I get so angry I lash out problem.  My problem is that I have to learn how to express my anger.  My usual tendency is to suppress my anger.  Actually, I think it might be more accurate to say that I actually deny my anger.  As far back as I can remember, I have been unable to truly express my anger.  I sometimes even feel guilty for becoming angry.  I immediately begin to rationalize all the reason why I should not be angry and then I try to behave as if I am not.  Of course this doesn’t work to alleviate the anger.  It simply makes it last longer.  After all, what you resist persists. 

I’m not sure where this aversion to anger came from.  I remember having some very visceral reactions to my father’s anger as a child.  My dad was a major hot head who would blow up first and deny later.  He would get so angry that he would lash out and after he calmed down, he would have very little memory of what he said while angry.  I remember thinking that was no way I wanted to behave nor did I wish to make anyone feel the way my dad made me and so many others feel.  I also remember that my mother did not express her anger very well either.  She bottled her anger and acted out passive aggressively.  Maybe I am modeling what I saw her do.  Maybe on some unconscious level I decided that I do not want to be like my dad.  Maybe in some past life I was a terrible dictator who ruled with anger and so in this lifetime, I’m working out how to deal with it.  Whatever it is, I need to deal with it.  Who knows cause I don’t.  Maybe I’m just like my father, too bold.  Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.  Maybe I’m just too demanding.  But all I know is this is what it sounds like when the doves cry. 

Anyway, I used to classify anger as one of those “bad” emotions.  It’s negative.  It makes one behave foolishly and harmfully.  It eats away at ones soul and breaks down the brick wall of peace.  What I know today is that while all of that can happen, anger can be a cathartic emotion.  If used in a serving manner, anger can be fuel to move to one’s greatest heights.  What I know today is that there are no “good” or “bad” emotions.  There are simply emotions and like anything else, too much or too little of any of them can be toxic. What I know today is that I can’t think away emotions.  While logic has its place, so does feeling.  My refusal to express my anger hinders me.  It has impeded my ability to resolve conflicts.  I think it also fueled my limited self-confidence.  I think my inability (or maybe even refusal) to express my anger has only resulted in my anger growing.  And I think I began to direct that anger toward myself. 

As I continue to grow and mature in life, I’m really gaining an understanding and an appreciation for the dichotomy of life.  While I know I am much more at home with the thinking rational side of life, I recognize the need and importance for the feeling.  I don’t have to be afraid to feel.  I don’t have to be afraid to get angry.  Hell, there are some things worth getting angry over!  Then why do I have such a gosh darn hard time expressing my anger?  I think one of the reasons is because up until a short while ago, I never felt worthy enough to be able to express myself to others.  My unspoken rule was always Everyone else is more important than I.  As such, what right did I have to become angry with anyone?  I also think I didn't recognize that being angry and acting reckless do not have to be exclusive to one another.  I do not have to lash out at anyone to express my anger--though that seems to be the norm.  Another reason I think I have had such a difficult time expressing anger is that I have confused holding on to anger with expressing it.  I consider myself to be a spiritual individual.  I think spiritual laws are always at play.  But one of the misconceptions of the spiritual (and even religious) ideology is that anger isn’t a good thing.  Think about it.  How many times have you heard something like: Anger is a poison, or Whoever you’re angry with has control over your life, and my favorite Anger is one letter away from Danger, and all of that jazz *cue the dancers*  What is never said is that anger is healthy.  The Bible even talks about Jesus' righteous anger.  I think the healthy thing to do is to acknowledge your anger, deal with it and let it pass.  So I know that means I’ll have to do a much better job with my anger management.  I can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist.  And I can’t judge myself for getting angry.  So far I’ve tried journaling, deep breathing techniques, and I even tried that screaming into the pillow trick.  Cant tell for sure if any of them have worked.  I guess I’ll find out the next time I get angry.  Hell, maybe I just might join an anger management support group.