How Much Writing Should a Writer Really Write?

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So I had a post all ready to for today and then something happened last night that inspired me to change my mind and write this piece.  Last night, as my ex dropped off our daughter, he initiated a conversation about the welfare of our daughter that was well over due.  He said he would like for us to work together for her benefit—something we both have failed miserably at doing.  I gotta say I was beyond proud that he brought the issue to me and I was quite proud of us as co-parents.  It was a first for us—but one that I’m hopeful will not be singular in nature.   But that’s not the point to this post.  During our conversation, he said that he would like for us to work collaboratively and that working collaboratively does not involve blasting someone on a blog.  Now this was implying that this is something I do here on my space.  I had to interject to let him know that at no point have I ever “blasted” him.  This here blog is my space.  Terri McMillan once said that she writes because it’s therapy for her and I have definitely found that to be true for me. The words I share on this space are all about my life experience and me.  It’s all about lessons I’ve learned or am learning.  It’s never about blasting another human being to make them look bad--least of all him.  As a matter of fact, I did a check just to make sure I wasn't being dismissive.  This post right here is my 49th post on this blog.  Of the 49 posts, 4 (including this one here) actually mention my ex husband, one post talks about him without actually saying it is.  There isn't anything about ex, husband, ex husband, his name, occupation, or any identifying property.  Of the 3 that mention him, only 2 are actually about a specific experience I had with him.  And of those 2, the focus is not on him, but on me and what I learned or took away from the experience.  The other 2 merely mention him in saying how he is my ex husband.  So, the fact that he feels he gets "blasted" on here is kind of beyond me.   But he's entitled to his feelings.  I'm almost sure that if he reads this he will feel this is a blast as well.  But it's really not.  The conversation (and my own reaction) got me to thinking.  I honestly didn't like the fact that he implied that I blast him on here.  I didn't like that I felt as if I had to defend my work.  However, I recognize that is my issue.  One thing I'm very comfortable with now is the fact that I am a writer.  As such, I am inspired by everything around me.  Sometimes my daughter inspires me to write.  Am I blasting my 6 year old for sharing experiences and lessons I've had with her?  Sometimes I'm inspired by watching my family and friends.  Are they also being blasted?  Sometimes I'm even inspired by television and film, and social media.  Again, are those mediums being blasted through my share?  Hell, if that's the case, I blast myself each time I post because this whole blog is about little ole me.  It's a funny thing as a writer because you will eventually deal with criticism and possible fall out from those close to you because they don't appreciate you including them in your work.  And I recognize that this is an issue that writers have faced probably since the beginning of autobiographical writing.  How do you share your story without offending those around you? Is it even possible to not offend those close to you when you write personal narrative?

The answer, in my humble opinion, is that you cannot.  As a writer, you are bound to piss someone off, hurt their feelings, and leave them scorned, or flat out resentful of how they feel you have portrayed them in your narrative.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  You write anyway.  There is no reason a writer should limit his or herself—and certainly not because someone may not like what they said.  I will say this.  I do understand how he feels.  I’m even sympathetic.  I have often asked myself, how would I feel if anyone in my life wrote about a shared experience with me?  And I’ve had to do a really hard gut check.  Honestly, I do not know how I would feel.  I may be elated at what I read.  Or I may be hurt and feel betrayed.  I may have to face that the dear sweet me that I have in my head may not be the same me that someone else feels they have encountered.  As sobering as that thought is, I'm aware that the reality is that I can feel whatever way I feel about it.  It’s my right to feel.  However, I do not have a write to stifle or stop that person from writing about their experience.  Now that is entirely their right.  I know what my intentions have been to those in my life. However, I have no idea whatsoever how my actions have affected them.  And if they choose to write about it, I must accept and respect their experience for just that—THEIR experience--however unfavorable I may deem that to be.

About a year and a half ago, I was talking to a professional writer whom I know.  I was asking about how I should go about writing my book.  She told me to just write and not worry about anything or anyone else.  In my attempt at writing my book about my life with my dad, I have stumbled and just been plain ole’ blocked.  One of the first blockages I experienced involved my inability to write about my life experiences in their entirety for fear of what the other players involved would think or feel.  Starting this blog and getting comfortable with my voice has helped to alleviate my fear.  That is why I’m so proud of myself.  If this were probably just a year ago, that one little blip in the conversation (and it really was just a blip) with my ex would have sent me into a writing hijinx.  I would have begun doubting myself.  I would have probably decided that his feelings are more important than mine and concluded that I should no longer use my voice. I probably would have started to censor myself and anyone who writes can tell you what a mistake that is.  But today is a brand new day and I've got a brand new bag.  And again, I’m sympathetic to his feelings.  I really am.  However, I extend that same sympathy to myself.  I recognize that I have every right to share my story.  I also know that my intentions are not to harm him (or anyone else for that matter), or to make him look bad.   My intent is to share what I have learned in the hopes that it can help or inspire another.  That is all. 

I will say that I always find it funny that most people tend to have a problem with a writer sharing their experience if they feel it portrays them in a “negative” manner.  Rarely have I heard anyone who believes they look good in a story say, “I don’t appreciate you making me look so good in your story. Why don't you keep me out of your stuff!”  But that's just my observation.  And to be honest, that's their issue.  As a writer, one is only responsible for maintaining their artistic integrity when they tell their story.  The reaction of others is not their responsibility.  In my opinion, it's the same thing as dealing with someone's opinion of you.  It's really none of your business because their perspective has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own self.  My ex said he read my blog.  Now I'm not sure if that means he's read every post, or the 5 that involve him, or one of the 5.  But I don't mind at all.  That’s more than fine with me. I'm not ashamed of anything I've written because I know it was written with love and truth.  If he reads this, I hope he has a better understanding of where I’m coming from.  I hope he now gets that this space is not about him at all.  I also hope he understands that the hard truth is that I'm not going to stop writing.  Should I feel the urge to share an experience that he either was or is a part of (seeing as how we are still in one another's life), I will share it--as I am at this moment.  I will write as my heart moves me and I cannot, nor will I, stifle myself for someone else.  I've done that for far too long already.  I will write not to blast anyone, but to share the ABC's of me.  That is all.  And I hope he gets that.  I hope he can now understand that this space, and the words they contain are not about making him look bad or “blasting” him as he calls it. I hope he can move beyond his own perspective to see mine.  And while that is my hope, I am thankfully in a space where I can hope for that without becoming attached to the need for that to actually happen.

So what say you?  Any other writers out there who have dealt with the fallout of someone in your life due to your words?  How have you navigated through the murky waters of maintaining your artistic integrity while being sensitive to the players in your life?  Anyone out there have a writer friend/family member who you felt portrayed you not so favorably?  How did you deal?  Let’s talk about it cause I’d love to hear about it.