I can't afford to take for granted that I am this precious little woman's primary teacher.
So I’m watching TV Friday night, and I come across this show
on the OWN network called “My Mom is Obsessed”**. Each episode profiles two different families where the
mothers are obsessed with a particular activity (partying, dating younger men,
bodybuilding, plastic surgery, shopping, etc.) to the point where they are
neglecting their children. I
watched two episodes and vowed I can never watch another one. I will seriously work myself into
cardiac arrest if I continue to watch this foolery. One mother had two young daughters at home but was so
obsessed with going out that she made the oldest (who was only 14) take care of
everything. They have to see a
therapist, so when the therapist asked the mother how she expected her daughter
to take care of the home, her younger sister, AND go to school, the mother
replied, “They’re both home schooled.” As if that made her daughter’s load
easier. This must have been news
to the therapist who responded by asking “Oh really, by whom?” to which the mom
responded, “Oh they’re both self taught.”
O__O Oh really?! How and
where dey do dat at?! I’m usually
really good at being able o extend sympathy to others, but in the case of these
women, I just have an extremely hard time doing just that. I’m still trying to figure out where in
DE HAYLE the OWN network found all these fools!
Look, all judgment aside, I understand how difficult the job
of motherhood is. I am a proud
Mommy (to a beautiful little girl).
If you know me, you know she is the love of my life. If you just meet me, it won't be hard for you to figure that out. I read a quote a few years back from
Lady O herself, Oprah Winfrey, regarding motherhood. She states “I believe the choice to become a mother is the
choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.” Now that I’m a mother, I can say with
complete certainty that I agree with that statement. I always tell people that becoming a mother has been one of
the most humbling experiences of my life.
First of all, the magic and beauty that one experiences when carrying a
child is just indescribable. And
don’t get me wrong, it’s not all a bed of roses (trust me, having morning
sickness throughout my entire first trimester was certainly no cakewalk), but I
remained in awe of what was going on with me in bringing my baby into the
world. Secondly, my daughter
forced me into early retirement.
Thanks to her, I retired the cape and S on my chest that I so proudly
wore--and without even realizing I had been wearing it for so long. I recognized very early on that I was a
vessel, which brought forth another human being into the world. A human being with her own personality
set of likes and dislikes, and her very own destiny to fulfill. I’m really glad that I recognized that
early on because I haven’t had the control issues that I experienced (and still
do) with the adults in my life. And
because I understand that my job is to be a spiritual teacher to her,
I really do take my role as a mother very seriously. I understand that a lot of who my
daughter becomes can possibly be traced back to me. Whether she wants to be or not, she may become a lot like
me. It is my intent to be as
transparent and honest as possible with my daughter. The old adage of “Do as I say not what I do” that so many
who walked before me subscribed to will not work for me and my house. I don’t want to give my daughter the
false impression that I’m infallible simply because I happened to arrive on
this plane before she did. I’m
human and I make mistakes and I’m more than ok with that. And more than that, I want her to be ok
with that as well. So can you
understand why I take issue with trying to teach her simply by telling and then
going out to do the complete opposite without explanation? No offense to those who have walked that path and believe in
it, but I think that’s completely hypocritical and I want to live a life of
integrity—for myself and for my child.
Besides, it never works.
Ever. All it does is make
your children resent you. Once
children become of age, they begin to judge the adults in their life
anyway. So I may as well walk with
integrity before my child to lessen the judgment.
Here’s a prime example of why this method fails to
work. It happened within my own
family. A certain adult in my
family who was once extremely well regarded went through a really difficult
time. Let’s call her Marsha*. Everyone was extremely sympathetic to
her during that time because we could only imagine what she must have been
going through. However, in her
grief, she began to go a little to the left. She started carrying on with a very close friend of the
family who also happened to be married (We were all close to his entire
family. We’d gathered at their
home and vice versa, watched their children grow up, the whole shebang). I’ll spare all the details, but
needless to say that she got more than a bit carried away and her fling or
whatever it was became quite noticeable.
It even became noticeable to a young lady in our family—her godchild to
be exact. At the time, the young
lady, who we’ll call Meagan*, was about 16 years old. She’d witnessed some flirtatious energy going on between the
two of them and later came to me and asked quite casually at that, ‘Hey what’s
going on with Auntie Marsha and Richard?” I should also mention that quite a
few other people on several separate occasions also asked me what was going on
because as I said, things were becoming evident. Now I didn’t tell Meagan anything at all. However, I did call up Marsha and tell
her she needed to watch herself because things were getting obvious to folks. I didn’t mention names, but I tried to
lovingly warn her. My thinking was
that if people—even a 16 year-old--were starting to notice, Richard’s wife was
probably noticing things as well.
So, Marsha went on a rampage and through a little bit of deductive
reasoning, concluded that Meagan must have been a person who said something. She then proceeded to call her godchild
and curse her out. She said
several things, amongst those were “I’m a grown @$$ woman and you have not
business talking about me and what I do.”
Now, some of you probably agree with that, but here’s where I felt
Marsha lost her credibility. First
of all, Marsha threw out quite a few names with me, yet her goddaughter was the
only person she bothered to call and confront. Secondly, had she not been carrying on with dude on the
phone in front of Meagan, it wouldn’t have been noticeable to her. And finally, I recalled Marsha telling
me about a similar experience she had when she was that age. At 16, she found out her mom was
cheating on her dad. According to
her story, she didn’t speak to her mom for over a month. When I relayed that to Marsha, her
response was “But this is different.
I’m not her mother!” Now
some of you are probably still in agreement, but here is where I felt Marsha lost
credibility. Marsha has a thing
for her nieces, nephews or any other child she’s close to telling her that
she’s not their mother. I’ve
witnessed her firsthand threaten to end lives for that because as she has
declared, “I’m the next best thing to your mother!” So in my humble opinion, it
was completely hypocritical on her part.
And to add further salt to her wound, just a year before, Marsha roasted
a young Meagan for liking and contemplating dating a boy who she knew had a
girlfriend. Marsha went on and on about how disrespectful that would be and the
dangers of being a sidepiece. So
you can only imagine how a young Meagan felt not only by learning that Marsha
was engaging in something even more extreme just a short while later, AND that
it was with a close family friend whom we all knew.
Now don’t get me wrong. I completely understand that Marsha was acting out of
guilt. But the issue that I saw
happening was that she’d lost the trust of her godchild. To this day, the relationship is not
the same. Meagan doesn’t respect
her nor does she trust her. Marsha
never admitted her fault before anyone and she never actually apologized for at
least cursing out Meagan. I think
too often, adults tend to allow their pride to interfere with their relationships
with the children in their lives.
I’m all for respecting your elders, but children are not some brainless
drones we bring into the world without any knowledge whatsoever. Yet, it seems that sometimes adults
tend to think that children don’t have a right to possess any knowing of their
own. And that’s just not how I
want to treat my daughter. I want
her to trust herself and I recognize that I play a huge part in that. If I undermine her simply because she
happens to catch on the not so secret secret that I’m a mere mortal, what good
can really come of it?
The most beautiful thing I have recognized through my
journey in motherhood is that my daughter is a beautiful conduit for my life’s
lessons. I have learned so much
about life and myself just by raising this precious, beautiful little
woman. She’s only y 5 years old,
and my lessons have been many. In
my oh so humble opinion, the best mothers (parents, guardians, god
mothers/fathers, aunts, uncles, etc.) are the ones who understand that there is
just as much that their child can teach them as they can teach the child
(sometimes more). I think teaching
from the “I am the adult so I’m better/smarter/greater than you” mindset is
just a mask of insecurity. You’re
using the child to make you feel better about yourself and that only creates
feelings of insecurity in the child, thereby perpetuating that lineage of
dysfunctional thinking and behavior.
So what say you? Do you
still believe in the do as I say, not as I do framework? Or do you believe in something
else? Why or why not?
*By the way, in case you hadn't realized, names have been changed to protect the innocent, but more so the guilty*
**My Mom is Obsessed airs on OWN Friday nights 9/8c**
**My Mom is Obsessed airs on OWN Friday nights 9/8c**
